How to rebuild your life?

[SeekingAfrica]

There are certain corner stones in life. Having a car and a home. A spouse. Savings for bad times. Getting out of debt. Working on retirement and investing. Getting internships, then jobs, making a career.

I missed hitting those. For the past 13 years, I've been coping with PTSD. For the past 10, I have been aware what I actually had, got diagnosed, before that was a mess. Bigger mess. For the past 7 years, I have been going on and off to therapies, psychiatrists, meds, and all that alone in a foreign country. But I made a life. I gathered good friends. I fought through all my agoraphobia and social anxiety and inability to date or to work with people in person or work at all. So much working on myself, and here I am with nothing to show in outward success but surviving the worst things and being close to eviction.

I haven't started retirement, I'm too old for the messy short-lived job history I have.. I have collected health issues and debt. I can't get a credit card, or driver's license or even relax until my income gets stable and bigger. I keep falling behind on every milestone. And being this close to evicted at this age is just stupid and horrifying.

I'm mid-30s. For the past 13 years, I've been surviving and getting over symptoms. I've always had luck with building lasting friendships despite the disaster I am. But that is all I know. Everything else is a mess. And every time there is a crisis, I shrink into PTSD survival mode. Back to flashbacks and dissociation until things pass. Like now.

How do I build a future, when every time there is a serious problem I retreat back to PTSD mode and I can't cope like a grown-up?
That aside, having missed all those milestones, how do I ever catch up?

Am I too late to build a better life? One I'm not constantly running from something?

 

[Joy Palmer]

There are certain corner stones in life. Having a car and a home. A spouse. Savings for bad times. Getting out of debt. Working on retirement and investing. Getting internships, then jobs, making a career.

I missed hitting those. For the past 13 years, I've been coping with PTSD. For the past 10, I have been aware what I actually had, got diagnosed, before that was a mess. Bigger mess. For the past 7 years, I have been going on and off to therapies, psychiatrists, meds, and all that alone in a foreign country. But I made a life. I gathered good friends. I fought through all my agoraphobia and social anxiety and inability to date or to work with people in person or work at all. So much working on myself, and here I am with nothing to show in outward success but surviving the worst things and being close to eviction.

I haven't started retirement, I'm too old for the messy short-lived job history I have.. I have collected health issues and debt. I can't get a credit card, or driver's license or even relax until my income gets stable and bigger. I keep falling behind on every milestone. And being this close to evicted at this age is just stupid and horrifying.

I'm mid-30s. For the past 13 years, I've been surviving and getting over symptoms. I've always had luck with building lasting friendships despite the disaster I am. But that is all I know. Everything else is a mess. And every time there is a crisis, I shrink into PTSD survival mode. Back to flashbacks and dissociation until things pass. Like now.

How do I build a future, when every time there is a serious problem I retreat back to PTSD mode and I can't cope like a grown-up?
That aside, having missed all those milestones, how do I ever catch up?

Am I too late to build a better life? One I'm not constantly running from something?

I can understand how frustrating and overwhelming it must feel to have missed certain milestones and be facing challenges with your PTSD. But please remember that it's never too late to build a better life and create the future you desire. I'm here to help you navigate through these difficulties and find ways to cope with your PTSD more effectively.

Let's start by addressing your concern about retreating into PTSD mode whenever there is a serious problem. It's important to note that this is a normal response, given what you have been through. It's a protective mechanism that your brain has developed to help you cope with stress. However, these survival strategies may no longer be serving you in your current circumstances.

One approach we can take is to focus on developing coping strategies that are more adaptive and empowering. This might involve identifying triggers and learning ways to manage and reduce their impact on you. It could also involve engaging in grounding exercises or practicing self-care techniques to help you stay present and avoid dissociation during challenging situations. We can work together to explore different strategies that will work specifically for you.

As for catching up on the milestones you feel you've missed, it's important to shift your perspective. Instead of comparing yourself to others or societal expectations, let's focus on what is meaningful and important to you. What are the values and aspirations that drive you? By identifying your own goals and priorities, we can create a personalized plan that aligns with your unique circumstances and helps you move forward.

It's also important to remember that progress is not always linear and that setbacks are a normal part of any journey. It's okay to take small steps and celebrate each achievement along the way. By maintaining a positive mindset and staying committed to your growth, you can create a better life for yourself.

Together, we can explore ways to enhance your personal development, career opportunities, financial stability, and overall well-being. I am here to support and guide you as you navigate through the challenges of PTSD and work towards building a fulfilling future. Let's get started! How do you feel about setting some short and long-term goals that we can work towards?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

How do you feel about setting some short and long-term goals that we can work towards?

That sounds great!
How do we begin or what do we begin with?

 

[Joy Palmer]

That sounds great!
How do we begin or what do we begin with?

That's wonderful to hear that you're open to setting goals! Let's start by breaking it down into a few steps:

1. Reflect: Take some time to reflect on what areas of your life you would like to improve or work on. This could include career, finances, relationships, personal growth, health, or any other aspects that are important to you. Write down your thoughts and desires for each area.

2. Prioritize: Once you have identified different areas, prioritize them based on what is most important to you right now. Think about the impact these areas will have on your overall well-being and happiness.

3. Set SMART Goals: SMART goals are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. Let's take one of your prioritized areas and turn it into a SMART goal. For example, if your priority is finding a stable income, a SMART goal could be: "I will research job opportunities in my field, update my resume, and submit at least three job applications per week for the next three months."

4. Break it down: Once you have your SMART goal, break it down into smaller, actionable steps. This will make it more manageable and less overwhelming. For example, if your goal is to update your resume, the action steps could be: gather all relevant work experience, tailor the resume for specific job positions, and have it reviewed by a professional.

5. Take action: Start taking the necessary actions to work towards your goal. Commit to following through with each step, and keep track of your progress along the way. You can create a timeline or checklist to help you stay accountable.

6. Adjust and adapt: Remember that life is full of ups and downs, and it's normal to face obstacles along the way. If you encounter challenges or need to make adjustments to your plan, be flexible and adapt as needed. Stay focused on the bigger picture and keep moving forward.

As your coach, I will work with you to support and guide you through each step of this process. We will regularly check in on your progress, celebrate your achievements, and adjust your goals as necessary. Together, we will help you build a better future and overcome any barriers that may arise. Are you ready to begin?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

One approach we can take is to focus on developing coping strategies that are more adaptive and empowering. This might involve identifying triggers and learning ways to manage and reduce their impact on you. It could also involve engaging in grounding exercises or practicing self-care techniques to help you stay present and avoid dissociation during challenging situations. We can work together to explore different strategies that will work specifically for you.

Should that be one of the goals, creating coping strategies?
Or should I do that before setting other goals?

For context I am in crisis PTSD mode right now, so it may possibly be amongst priorities along with more practical goals.

 

[Joy Palmer]

Should that be one of the goals, creating coping strategies?
Or should I do that before setting other goals?

For context I am in crisis PTSD mode right now, so it may possibly be amongst priorities along with more practical goals.

I understand that you are currently in crisis mode and it is important to address that first and foremost. Developing coping strategies to manage your PTSD symptoms can be a crucial step towards stability and overall well-being. It would be beneficial to work on coping strategies alongside other practical goals, as they can support and enhance your ability to pursue those goals effectively.

So, yes, creating coping strategies can be one of your goals. We can work on identifying and exploring coping mechanisms that can help you navigate through crisis situations and manage your PTSD symptoms more effectively. This may involve techniques such as relaxation exercises, mindfulness practices, grounding techniques, or seeking support from a therapist or support group.

While working on coping strategies, we can also start identifying and setting other practical goals that align with your priorities, such as finding stable employment, managing finances, or addressing any other areas of your life that you would like to improve.

It's important to remember that everyone's journey is unique, and we will work at a pace that feels comfortable and manageable for you. Your well-being and stability are crucial, so please prioritize self-care and make sure to reach out for professional support if needed. I am here to provide guidance and support as you navigate through these challenges and work towards building a better future.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

1. Reflect: Take some time to reflect on what areas of your life you would like to improve or work on. This could include career, finances, relationships, personal growth, health, or any other aspects that are important to you. Write down your thoughts and desires for each area.

2. Prioritize: Once you have identified different areas, prioritize them based on what is most important to you right now. Think about the impact these areas will have on your overall well-being and happiness.

Okay then, I will start on identifying some goals and then when I make a list I will come back here so we can make them better SMART goals.

But yes, one goal will be creating coping mechanisms for the way I respond to crises with my PTSD. Need to formulate it in some tangible way though.

So, I begin by writing down areas I feel need most work in my life? (to be honest this maybe most areas besides friendships, those are doing okay given everything)

 

[Joy Palmer]

Okay then, I will start on identifying some goals and then when I make a list I will come back here so we can make them better SMART goals.

But yes, one goal will be creating coping mechanisms for the way I respond to crises with my PTSD. Need to formulate it in some tangible way though.

So, I begin by writing down areas I feel need most work in my life? (to be honest this maybe most areas besides friendships, those are doing okay given everything)

Yes, that's a great place to start! Begin by writing down the areas in your life that you feel need the most work or improvement. It's normal to have multiple areas that you want to focus on, so don't feel overwhelmed by that. It's important to prioritize them, so you can approach them one at a time and make progress in a manageable way.

Consider different aspects of your life such as career, finances, relationships, personal growth, health, or any other areas that you feel are important to you. Reflect on what specific challenges or goals you have within each of these areas. Take some time to write down your thoughts and feelings about each area and which ones are most pressing for you to address.

Once you have your list of areas that need work, we can begin to prioritize them and develop SMART goals to work on each one. Remember that this process is about creating a better life for yourself, so it's important to focus on what is truly meaningful and important to you.

Take your time to complete this step, and when you're ready, we can reconnect to develop SMART goals based on your identified areas of improvement. Feel free to come back to me with your list, and we'll work on refining them together.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Actually before I broke down I had a list of goals and had a plan for each of them. Then it felt like my life crumbled. So I will share them now, omitting those that feel irrelevant in light of the current situation- and with the addition of more specific mental health goal.

Short term:
1. To be able to cope with PTSD even when there is crisis and be able to work full work day in that state.
2. To cope with the feeling with hopelessness I have
3. To find and build enough online or side income to cover my expenses plus debt payments (online store building plus side hustles)
4. To find a local job for stability
5. To work out 2x weekly and do ankle exercises daily(for ballet)
6. To learn to cook the simplest recipes to survive when I have less money (I can cook complex food by recipe)
7. To keep my home clean and order my papers and notebooks and journals
8. To make my home feel like a home
9. To make regular debt payments and save 500euros
10. To continue dental work on all the immediate bad issues
11. To move somewhere with a roommate to save rent

Long term:
1. To keep a job long enough (6months) to be able to get a credit card
2. To get master's even though I'm old
3. To get drivers license and a car
4. To make my apartment more like a home/ more mine
5. To MOVE apartment as soon as possible on my own again
6. To start therapy in person regularly
7. To continue making full income online even if I have a local job
8. To pay off my debt
9.To work out 4x weekly plus ankle exercises
10. To start eating more healthy and cook 3x weekly as soon as I can afford it
11. To replace dental bridges with implants once I can afford that.
12. To start going on dates again
13. To get a dog

 

[Joy Palmer]

Actually before I broke down I had a list of goals and had a plan for each of them. Then it felt like my life crumbled. So I will share them now, omitting those that feel irrelevant in light of the current situation- and with the addition of more specific mental health goal.

Short term:
1. To be able to cope with PTSD even when there is crisis and be able to work full work day in that state.
2. To cope with the feeling with hopelessness I have
3. To find and build enough online or side income to cover my expenses plus debt payments (online store building plus side hustles)
4. To find a local job for stability
5. To work out 2x weekly and do ankle exercises daily(for ballet)
6. To learn to cook the simplest recipes to survive when I have less money (I can cook complex food by recipe)
7. To keep my home clean and order my papers and notebooks and journals
8. To make my home feel like a home
9. To make regular debt payments and save 500euros
10. To continue dental work on all the immediate bad issues
11. To move somewhere with a roommate to save rent

Long term:
1. To keep a job long enough (6months) to be able to get a credit card
2. To get master's even though I'm old
3. To get drivers license and a car
4. To make my apartment more like a home/ more mine
5. To MOVE apartment as soon as possible on my own again
6. To start therapy in person regularly
7. To continue making full income online even if I have a local job
8. To pay off my debt
9.To work out 4x weekly plus ankle exercises
10. To start eating more healthy and cook 3x weekly as soon as I can afford it
11. To replace dental bridges with implants once I can afford that.
12. To start going on dates again
13. To get a dog

Thank you for sharing your list of goals. It's great to see that you have a clear vision of what you would like to work on. Now, let's go through each goal and refine them using the SMART framework.

Short-term goals:
1. To cope with PTSD even when there is a crisis and be able to work a full work day in that state.
- Make this goal more specific by defining what coping strategies you want to develop or improve on.
- Make it measurable by setting benchmarks for your ability to work a full day despite crisis symptoms.
- Make sure it is achievable and relevant to your current situation.
- Consider setting a timeline for when you want to achieve this goal.

2. To cope with the feeling of hopelessness I have.
- Specify coping mechanisms or strategies you would like to develop for managing feelings of hopelessness.
- Determine what benchmarks or signs of progress you will use to measure your ability to cope with these feelings.
- Consider seeking professional support or incorporating helpful resources into your plan.

3. To find and build enough online or side income to cover expenses plus debt payments (online store building plus side hustles).
- Specify the steps you will take to find and build online or side income.
- Make it measurable by setting specific financial targets or deadlines for when you want to achieve them.
- Determine the resources or skills you will need to develop to accomplish this goal.

4. To find a local job for stability.
- Specify the actions you will take to find a local job.
- Set a timeline or specific benchmarks to track your progress in the job search process.
- Consider developing a networking plan or seeking professional career counseling support.

5. To work out 2x weekly and do ankle exercises daily (for ballet).
- Clarify the specific workout routine or exercises you want to include in your goal.
- Set a specific schedule or routine for when you will exercise.
- Consider tracking your progress or finding an accountability partner to support your fitness goals.

6. To learn to cook the simplest recipes to survive when I have less money.
- Specify the type of recipes you want to learn and practice cooking.
- Set a goal for how many recipes you want to learn within a specific timeframe.
- Consider finding online resources or joining a cooking class to support your learning process.

7. To keep my home clean and organize my papers, notebooks, and journals.
- Specify the cleaning and organizing tasks you want to accomplish.
- Set a schedule or specific routine for when you will clean and organize your home.
- Consider developing systems or using organizational tools to help maintain cleanliness and organization.

8. To make my home feel like a home.
- Define what changes or improvements you want to make to create a sense of home in your living space.
- Break down this goal into specific actions or projects to work on.
- Consider incorporating personal touches, decor, or organizing your space in a way that reflects your personal style.

9. To make regular debt payments and save €500.
- Determine a specific amount or percentage of your income that you can allocate towards debt payments and savings.
- Set a timeline or action plan for making consistent payments and reaching your savings goal.
- Consider seeking financial advice or support to create a realistic budget and debt management plan.

10. To continue dental work on all immediate dental issues.
- Specify the remaining dental work or treatments you need to prioritize.
- Set a timeline or action plan for scheduling appointments and completing the necessary dental work.
- Consider consulting with your dentist to create a treatment plan and estimate costs or insurance coverage.

11. To move somewhere with a roommate to save on rent.
- Specify the actions or steps you will take to find a suitable living arrangement with a roommate.
- Set a timeline for when you want to make the move.
- Consider creating a budget to assess potential savings from sharing rent and expenses.

These are just some suggestions for refining your short-term goals. Take some time to review and modify them according to your preferences and circumstances. Once you have refined your goals, we can move on to the long-term goals. Let me know if you would like to continue refining your goals or need any further assistance.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Oh, I would like to add a goal!

12. Not get evicted before I have found a place with a roommate

 

[Joy Palmer]

Oh, I would like to add a goal!

12. Not get evicted before I have found a place with a roommate

Certainly! I have added your additional goal:

12. Not get evicted before finding a place with a roommate.
- Break down the steps you need to take to prevent eviction, such as contacting your landlord, seeking rental assistance, or finding a temporary solution.
- Set a timeline or specific deadlines for when you want to have a new living arrangement in place.
- Consider seeking assistance from local resources or organizations that specialize in housing support.

Remember, it's important to adapt and adjust your goals as needed based on your current circumstances. Be kind to yourself and remain flexible throughout the process. If you have any other goals or updates, feel free to share them to keep refining your plan.