Childhood How to stop seeking validation from others?

[Stills]

Throughout my entire life, I've been needy to a degree of shame...Especially from those who bullied me as a child. I remember I was badly bullied during my 6th grade year, and obviously I was hurt, but then I can recall "falling in love" with these same boys that would harass me. I have no explanation for this other than I feel ashamed looking back. How can you decide that you love someone who is so mean to you like that? I try not to blame myself, but I just find it sad that I wanted to be liked that bad. It makes no sense to me, and the fact that I'm attracted to so-called assholes, but who I want is a man I feel like I'll never have, not worth having, wouldn't love me back etc etc. I remember writing about this boy in my journal, how mean he was to me, and that I hated him. I then remember writing on blank paper I <3 (his name) in big red marker...Even browsing through old messages, I've sent to people who bullied me or whatever, at a younger age, it's like I still wanted their validation, and now I just want revenge. Seeking validation from others to be consistently ignored, but also that it has ruined relationships and burned professional bridges...How do I stop this? I find it really shameful that I rely on others and that means absolutely ANYONE for some kind of satisfaction. It's just so needy, I don't want to be like that. I'm ashamed. I've gotten better over the years, but I still make these very same mistakes only to be ignored and called annoying and end up blaming myself and beating myself up over it. Do you also do this? I feel very misunderstood by others at all times.

 

[ICURFUBAR]

Throughout my entire life, I've been needy to a degree of shame...Especially from those who bullied me a...

OMG!!!!!!
I came to this site because I was on Facebook locating the people who bullied me in 7th and 8th grade. I would love to justify my reasons as being revenge...but, in all honesty, it is acceptance. This happened over 30 years ago and I still have some disgusting need to be liked and accepted by everyone. I hide it real good. I have a strong will and very high self esteem...so i have tricked everyone into believing. I have no cure or suggestions....sorry. At least we both know now we are not the only one.

 

[Rani G2]

There is something called pride based and shame based counter identification, I think this explains it well...these are adaptive survival styles.

Your emotional part that is hurt and full of shame (Because it was needed for survival, to make sense of your environment)feeling like a burden to his/her environment tries to correct it while getting that recognition from those who hurt you. Its not the present adult you which creates this cycle of wanting recognition and validation, its the “hurt“ part. So, the part that has experienced this needs to realize that NOW in the present you are capable of giving that validation from your own Self!

Now the thing is the shame based (hurt) part is not integrated in your system, once it is done you will be able to communicate better with that part of yours...

 

[bento]

Ugh. I did this for years first with my abusive adoptive mom and then with abusive husband
and his family. The weird thing is that on one level I didn't like them or respect them, but then
on another level, I would want to please them and get one of their rare dollops of approval.

In many ways, my groveling for their approval (and there is no other word than groveling when
you attempt to gain approval from those who have deliberately abused you) was the worst
part. Worse than the abuse. I've had a harder time forgiving myself for the abject people
pleasing behavior than forgiving (not forgetting) them for their abuse.

Actually, I have to take it one step further, some of the people that I sought to curry favor
with, who abused me, were in fact revolting people. When I was in my right mind, so to
speak, I was repulsed by them. And yet, I continued to try and find favor with them, and
if they deigned to be pleased with me, I was on cloud nine. Cue hair pulling frustration
with myself.