Relationship How To Support A Loved One While Protecting Myself

[Blu]

Hello All!

I've been reading everything on this website for three months and am still completely lost so decided to post.

My SO is active military, currently deployed in Europe. We are late 30's, long distance relationship for 1 year prior to deployment. In December he told me he would have killed himself one night if he had a weapon. One of his close family member's contacted me after and let me know he had PTSD and explained some things he never told me. I knew something was going on, it has been a difficult relationship, but I wasn't sure what exactly. Since then, this website and everyone's posts has been incredibly helpful (Thank you!), but I'm still not sure what to do.

He admits he takes everything out on me, then feels terrible about. Some of it I try to understand, but some of it is so far beyond okay in a relationship. I was concerned about his drinking before he left for Europe, and since he got there that is all they do in their spare time. That has made everything so much worse. For some reason, a lot of issues that he never dealt with before are suddenly coming to the surface (which his family member thought was a good thing). He's so different than before he left.

I love him. He has a good heart and I know that, even if he doesn't. It just got to a point where it was too much, it was making me miserable and depressed and lonely. He does things that are disrespectful to me and our relationship, and I feel like my only option is to walk away. At the same time, I feel like he is completely falling apart and I am pretty sure I am the closest person to him. I've tried to walk away, but he doesn't want that and won't accept it. He also won't change anything or get help.

What do I do? I love him, and I am so worried about him, and I don't ever want him to feel like he is alone and has no one to turn to. At the same time, the way he treats me isn't okay and I need to take care of myself too.

I appreciate any advice you guys have. Thank you in advance!!

 

[kilted]

"I've tried to walk away, but he doesn't want that and won't accept it. He also won't change anything or get help."

Until the person with the issue recognises they have an issue and seeks help there is little anyone else can do. The military is a very strong conditioning process and drinking is the recognised way of avoiding the reality of the situation. It's deeply ingrained in the culture. Unfortunately until he leaves the military there's little you will be able to do apart from watch.... the taboos around acknowledging mental health issues are massive and reinforced daily. If you think of the military as a cult, things become easier to understand. When in the cult, to show weakness, and then leave/be forced to leave is to lose everything.

" the way he treats me isn't okay and I need to take care of myself too"...... the way you word this seems as if you put him first .... you need to look after yourself first... and there is a strong altruistic reasons to do this..... if you can't look after yourself, you can't look after him.... by looking after yourself, you look after him... you model to him what he needs to do for himself.

Sometimes we have to fall apart in order to be able to put the pieces back together the right way.... therapy kinda does this in a more controlled way!

 

[dulcia]

Some of the best advice I was given early on was "the only behavior you can change is yours". You can't make him stop drinking, you can't make him be respectful in the relationship (unfortunately). If he was exactly the same way he is now (mood, behavior, disrespect, and all) in 5 years, would you still want to be in the relationship?

 

[BlueOrange]

I've tried to walk away, but he doesn't want that and won't accept it.

You don't need his permission.

 

[lostintime]

I have been in a similar situation and my boyfriend would behave in a similar way as well. However you have to take a step back and think. Is this the way you want to live? Do you want to always be disrespected, and not treated right? Or do you want to be in a relationship that is loving and caring? It is his choice on not getting help and not changing, and unfortunately there is nothing that you can do. If you start to become really unhappy, my best advice is to walk away but not stop caring all together. Inform him that you still care but things are toxic, and its best to go your separate ways. Relationships are meant to be fun and happy, not toxic. If he truly cared and loved you, he would change and get help because it would help you as well. I understand that you love him, but sometimes you have to say gooodbye, even if its the last thing you want to do. Hopefully my advice helps in some way!