My take? She isn't some shrinking violet. I would say to her: We work well together when processing trauma. The rest doesn't work despite both our efforts. I would like to take a break until I'm in a place to do more trauma processing. I do want us to work together at that point. Can I suggest we touch base in * amount of months to reevaluate? Just do it directly and take charge of the details should help you get to the outcome you want. If you need to add to more affirming of her you can say more of the truth: how hard it has been to find someone to process trauma in the way she does.
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How to take a break with a therapist without it being a final end?
- Post starter Justmehere
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ILoveLife
VIP Member
Agreed that in that case the best is really to take a break to reevaluate.
blackemerald1
VIP Member
^^Everything @Abstract just said is so true.
If you need a break and it's nothing but that - give yourself a mental health holiday and simply tell her.
You will still need her when you are ready to return. You could even set the date of return... like 6 weeks or 8 weeks - whatever you think at this time. That isn't set in stone either - you could shorten it if necessary or maybe make it longer. I mean if you were someone who had to absent themselves for work purposes for those periods it would not be a big deal - you would both work around this.
If you need a break and it's nothing but that - give yourself a mental health holiday and simply tell her.
You will still need her when you are ready to return. You could even set the date of return... like 6 weeks or 8 weeks - whatever you think at this time. That isn't set in stone either - you could shorten it if necessary or maybe make it longer. I mean if you were someone who had to absent themselves for work purposes for those periods it would not be a big deal - you would both work around this.
scout86
VIP Member
Personally, it seems like USUALLY I'm not the best judge of what's "really" going on. One of the things I appreciate about my T is that he's pretty good at getting me to notice that, and come up with more accurate ways of seeing things.
I guess my thought would be to tell her what you told us. Then, the two of you, figure out, specifically, what you need to do to get to where you're ready to restart and how will you know when you're there. Have the "restarting therapy" part solidly worked out, so both of you are comfortable with it.
blackemerald1
VIP Member
Yep you are correct @scout - I said that wrong. I meant to describe those instances where I am totally barking up the wrong tree and need a hand to sort it out. I'm sorry @Justmehere I didn't mean to imply you didn't know what was really going on. :sorry:
Just adding though that I think you going without anything at this point doesnt seem wise to me at all. I know you have had some trouble but that doesn't mean its impossible. I know it can feel impossible and hear you on the undoing. There has to be something you can tolerate at present though. Maybe you can tear this down and think of what and wouldnt be potentially possible.
It seems to me the ruptures have been a combo of: her being invalidating, some transference stuff, you and her not being on the same page when you need help, you misunderstanding some of what she intends and latching onto certain aspects of it leaving others out. Not sure if you agree with that or not.
I had similar experience where actually I felt re-traumatizing. The problem is when you are actively “against” your therapist’s “intrusion” to impact you or serve a “function” missing from our childhood, you can see clearly one is not only not recovering but actively “strengthening” the stuff that brought us here.
What makes a therapist special for us is they are functioning parts of us until we gained those parts and no longer to have them cover for us. It is really no different about how a mother treats with her baby, give her little support but allow her to fall too. If a therapist does not want the client to gain that function consciously or subconsciously, then there is a problem in the therapy and if the client is highly intelligent or highly functional or highly very close to gaining that function, the client will speak up in protest or will leave if denied.
I feel your therapist has a significant “functions” for you and I also feel you are extremely on the cusp of gaining those and the problem is she is not letting it go yet and you are not sure why. I am going to say there is some serious counter-transference going here, hence why you are sure she is good at trauma but she is not giving you same credit (she is offering more support where maybe a confrontation would work better at this point).
So this tells me she is not aware of something or she is attached to keep this function for you and you are not aware of the function itself.
In this, I feel you are splitting hair. There is no trauma. Trauma is not a chair. Trauma is like air. It is all over our actions, thoughts, feelings and cognition. What are you struggling is you are not sure what function is the therapist doing for you that you have not master. YOU ARE GOOD AT PROCESSING TRAUMA. You see you are giving that function of processing to her and this is what is making her so concern for you. She feels she is processing it for you and you are waiting for her to give it to you. I know just words but words mean something. You NEED TO OWN YOUR PAIN AND TRAUMA. She is a facilitator like while you focus on area you did not learn as a child or were abused about, like dependence; she is giving you a place to depend, while you deal with the pain of abandonment. When you master abandonment, then she will see if you are ready to accept your neediness as child and your independence as an adult, then she will hold another function like your need for safety….etc. as you get more functions in your court, her offerings of functions decrease, hence why there is a right time to terminate and why it takes for a long time to do trauma work. When you feel the pain of lack of safety as a child (that you forgot), and you grieve, you will no longer need the therapist to do this for you.
This therapist is good but she is making the mistake of assuming you need support when you need confrontation. It is possible there are other things or diagnosis or your past she knows that may influence her about how to treat you…so I am only making assumptions about your post but not your past. She is processing or in fact holding your trauma, you are not willing or able to take that function as of today. You would rather find many rationalizations and avoid and run.
This is a nutshell your biggest issue. YOU DO NOT WANT TO FACE YOUR TRAUMA AND RATHER RUN. It is a core issue and no matter how much you run, it is here waiting for you. You use the “expensive” because there is a part of you that is not willing or trusting the therapist and the only sophisticated way to make its case was to say – too expensive, you can do this yourself but in fact, you will still need a person to hold some other function until you can do all the processing of all the core issues – hence why we need therapists! They are like third leg wheel while we learn how to ride a bike.
She is poking the button and it is too painful. I am very sorry. I have had these feelings before or these experiences. You will just go back to your old ways – very familiar. That little part of you that is in pain will feel good and you will think that is all of you and rinse repeat and rinse repeat.
She is very aware you gave her the function of holding your trauma and you are adamantly refusing to dive in. and this is a good reason. There is a reason why we are here. It is too painful and too much to bear but you are also functional to some extent and this I find sometimes throws off even a good therapist. Every single human is programmed not to get sick or have a pain. Even the person who is committing suicide wants to stop pain. So you have the right to avoid pain but I am not sure if it is the therapist or the dynamic or something but this is about rupture. It is not about you wanting to cope, it is you wanting to stop the pain for now.
This therapist (right or wrong) is holding your trauma and the rupture is you are letting her and she is not processing it for you. No one can unfortunately but people can hold our pain but they cannt heal us.
Just so my response gives you context just in case I am spilling my own issues here: I am going through same thing with my t but rather than (rationalizing coming here) acting out or denying help/dependence. I gave him 9 months and brought up dissociation for multiple times and he did not want to help me. Maybe he was trying to hold my dissociation while I processed how to cope with anxiety and depression, abandonment, dependency or basic foundational safety – which I gained since I have been with him. So I got stronger and felt this is his limit and I found a trauma based therapist to work on dissociation now. Where my mother failed me 100%, it will take more than one therapist to help me heal. Even a good marriage does not heal, it gives the holding space to feel safe so I can work on the hard stuff. But not one person heals us. Many do. So maybe you need another therapist for your next journey and that is OK.
But as you wrote here many times, she is holding your trauma and you are not processing. You like she is holding – this is the only reason you like her from what you wrote and my far away feelings. This holding is good and gave you some reprieve but no longer is it working for you unless you want to face it. And there could be a good reason why you are reluctant. I am exactly the same in somewhat, I want to face dissociation with a person, but I am also like, no! I do not want to lose it!
This is what it means to be human – to avoid pain.
I am wishing you well and honestly, I will highly recommend (if you do not already), you journal your dreams. You may get some insight of what is the hold up. I truly wish you to find peace and love within.
sorry I did not use the quotation feature because i write on word and past it afterwards.
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this is confrontation but if I was justmehere, I would force her hand to be a bit more direct so we can pass this plateau! It is so unfortunate that sometimes a client is more forthcoming than a therapist but as I said in my long winded post, maybe there is many other reasons we do not know even justmehere does not know. but definitely they passed support phase here IMHO. and how "stupid" it is for this therapist to lose a client because she is not adapting to the client's needs.
Oh my goodness, I have nothing like all of these big responses, but I suppose I will say it anyway, useless or not:
Dear @Justmehere , it's been a real deep struggle for you recently, and like Anthony said as with other times, you have pulled through. IMO you process and question like a trooper. If you need a break, you can take it. And I know the conundrum in not addressing can cause more stress; a heavy stone around our hearts and minds.
Years of this.. what can I say? No one does for you what you do for yourself; I know you know that- maybe to a fault. I don't feel you are looking for anyone to act as 'surrogate' anything, I think it's sounds harder to let people in than push them out, or trust their perception. I think (and maybe I'm wrong)- you are looking for how do I find a way through, how do I heal this? And the real way I know is on my own. The work is of course on your own; sometimes accepting influence is the harder part of the work.
I think healing is not as much about finesse, as it is about believing something else is possible. And finding out how that will look for 'you'. One day, and moment, and struggle, at a time.
Remember what T's, psychology, even medicine does not know (yet). Remember there are unknown things likely not even discovered or considered affecting you physiologically and neurochemically. Remember that if you can not hold secrets you will get better. Remember people care about you and they want to help, and sometimes need your input really specifically, sometimes, as to 'how'. Remember that you are not running from trauma, you are running towards something better. You will make the right decision, and it needn't be black or white, and it needn't cause pressure. It's ok to feel badly. Nothing bad lasts forever (my dad used to say). Deep breath. You can do this. And you've got lots of people behind you (including, likely your T).
Hugs to you, xox. :hug:
Dear @Justmehere , it's been a real deep struggle for you recently, and like Anthony said as with other times, you have pulled through. IMO you process and question like a trooper. If you need a break, you can take it. And I know the conundrum in not addressing can cause more stress; a heavy stone around our hearts and minds.
Years of this.. what can I say? No one does for you what you do for yourself; I know you know that- maybe to a fault. I don't feel you are looking for anyone to act as 'surrogate' anything, I think it's sounds harder to let people in than push them out, or trust their perception. I think (and maybe I'm wrong)- you are looking for how do I find a way through, how do I heal this? And the real way I know is on my own. The work is of course on your own; sometimes accepting influence is the harder part of the work.
I think healing is not as much about finesse, as it is about believing something else is possible. And finding out how that will look for 'you'. One day, and moment, and struggle, at a time.
Remember what T's, psychology, even medicine does not know (yet). Remember there are unknown things likely not even discovered or considered affecting you physiologically and neurochemically. Remember that if you can not hold secrets you will get better. Remember people care about you and they want to help, and sometimes need your input really specifically, sometimes, as to 'how'. Remember that you are not running from trauma, you are running towards something better. You will make the right decision, and it needn't be black or white, and it needn't cause pressure. It's ok to feel badly. Nothing bad lasts forever (my dad used to say). Deep breath. You can do this. And you've got lots of people behind you (including, likely your T).
Hugs to you, xox. :hug:
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I would get on her books for an appointment and put it out like in 6 weeks. Just say I want to schedule my next appointment now for such and such week.
I'd have to do that anyway because my t advertises a lot so they are often full that far in advance. that way you don't need to use the words "im taking a break" it's just "here's when I want my next appointment" schedule two or three at the same time- like one in 6 weeks, 1 in 7 weeks and 1 in 8 weeks. so that you have 3 in row on her schedule so no one else picks them up or run into the whole thing where the t over books and "gee sorry I can't see you now, I'm full"
I'd have to do that anyway because my t advertises a lot so they are often full that far in advance. that way you don't need to use the words "im taking a break" it's just "here's when I want my next appointment" schedule two or three at the same time- like one in 6 weeks, 1 in 7 weeks and 1 in 8 weeks. so that you have 3 in row on her schedule so no one else picks them up or run into the whole thing where the t over books and "gee sorry I can't see you now, I'm full"
- Post starter
- #23
Justmehere
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In therapy, I find myself extremely tired of fixing everything. In this thread, it has struck me how much of the good feedback is reasonably and properly geared towards fixing or improving therapy or treatment, and I’m not sure I want to improve it.
At the last session, I was so frustrated because all I wanted to do was talk about a few hard things in my life - like going to a funeral this Friday. Instead, it felt like a lot of fixing that I just don’t want to do. I didn’t want to challenge all my thoughts, change my emotions, etc. I told her I wanted to talk about the funeral and she kept telling me to think about positive things. I kept telling her I want to be like others and not have to fix everything about me and how I think and feel all the time.
At therapy this week, she kept trying to get me to say positive things about my performance at work. Not a bad thing. But, the one thing that was helping me be ok about work and stop the sucidial thoughts was accepting that I’m not good at it and that’s ok! I really don’t need to be good at it or fix it. It’s a short term job. I wanted to talk about going to a funeral this week and she told me to again think of positive things. Like I get that, and I put on a happy face for work all day. Or I listen to others’ grief. I am depressed. Thinking about a funeral is going to bring me down. But I needed a moment to talk about it. And just be. And not have to change everything.
Reaching out to my doc, my therapist, and going to the hospital and trying to do all the things to feel better, and getting anything but help — I think this has fueled negative transference to get worse.
There isn’t a better therapist around to handle my negative transference - but right now, it’s too strong for either of us.
No treatment isn’t ideal, but then again, beating my head against the same wall to get triggering rejection after rejection isn’t something I can keep doing.
She wants to come up with a plan for stability next week, and discuss more about going out of state for care (again, not a possible option) or getting group therapy. I called a group therapist today, and I had to end the call quickly. The group therapist started talking about charts and etc, and there is nothing in me that wants to do any of that.
There is a behavioral concept of an “extinction burst.” It’s like when someone gets on an elevator, and none of the buttons are working. People will push the buttons more and more until they finally give up entirely.
I almost obsessively try to fix myself. My therapist has been aware, and trying to have me list what doesn’t need to be fixed lately. Last week things got so bad, and no one would help, I gave up. I pushed all the buttons in the evaluator and it didn’t move or work one damn bit and inside, I’ve given up trying to make the elevator move.
Right after the last therapy session, I wrote an email rambling on and on about how much I just don’t want to have to be good at this job, and I don’t want to have to fix all these things in my life all the time. I’m burned out. The one thing that feels good: just being.
I even told her this in session but she told me I was too unstable. Something had to change. At the same time, what was burning me out to the point of really bad darkness: trying to change everything about me all the time. It got better when I stopped. Outside of therapy, I’ve taken all the pressure off for anything to change, and things are stabilizing in my life. It’s only been a few days...
And this is why I want to pause. I can’t do therapy when the most viable and doable solution is to just be, and the therapist (reasonably) wants to change things.
I don’t want to quit. But I don’t know another way to have all the fixing inside of me and in therapy to stop driving me up the wall. I tried so hard in session to explain it to her.
At the last session, I was so frustrated because all I wanted to do was talk about a few hard things in my life - like going to a funeral this Friday. Instead, it felt like a lot of fixing that I just don’t want to do. I didn’t want to challenge all my thoughts, change my emotions, etc. I told her I wanted to talk about the funeral and she kept telling me to think about positive things. I kept telling her I want to be like others and not have to fix everything about me and how I think and feel all the time.
At therapy this week, she kept trying to get me to say positive things about my performance at work. Not a bad thing. But, the one thing that was helping me be ok about work and stop the sucidial thoughts was accepting that I’m not good at it and that’s ok! I really don’t need to be good at it or fix it. It’s a short term job. I wanted to talk about going to a funeral this week and she told me to again think of positive things. Like I get that, and I put on a happy face for work all day. Or I listen to others’ grief. I am depressed. Thinking about a funeral is going to bring me down. But I needed a moment to talk about it. And just be. And not have to change everything.
Reaching out to my doc, my therapist, and going to the hospital and trying to do all the things to feel better, and getting anything but help — I think this has fueled negative transference to get worse.
There isn’t a better therapist around to handle my negative transference - but right now, it’s too strong for either of us.
No treatment isn’t ideal, but then again, beating my head against the same wall to get triggering rejection after rejection isn’t something I can keep doing.
She wants to come up with a plan for stability next week, and discuss more about going out of state for care (again, not a possible option) or getting group therapy. I called a group therapist today, and I had to end the call quickly. The group therapist started talking about charts and etc, and there is nothing in me that wants to do any of that.
There is a behavioral concept of an “extinction burst.” It’s like when someone gets on an elevator, and none of the buttons are working. People will push the buttons more and more until they finally give up entirely.
I almost obsessively try to fix myself. My therapist has been aware, and trying to have me list what doesn’t need to be fixed lately. Last week things got so bad, and no one would help, I gave up. I pushed all the buttons in the evaluator and it didn’t move or work one damn bit and inside, I’ve given up trying to make the elevator move.
Right after the last therapy session, I wrote an email rambling on and on about how much I just don’t want to have to be good at this job, and I don’t want to have to fix all these things in my life all the time. I’m burned out. The one thing that feels good: just being.
I even told her this in session but she told me I was too unstable. Something had to change. At the same time, what was burning me out to the point of really bad darkness: trying to change everything about me all the time. It got better when I stopped. Outside of therapy, I’ve taken all the pressure off for anything to change, and things are stabilizing in my life. It’s only been a few days...
And this is why I want to pause. I can’t do therapy when the most viable and doable solution is to just be, and the therapist (reasonably) wants to change things.
I don’t want to quit. But I don’t know another way to have all the fixing inside of me and in therapy to stop driving me up the wall. I tried so hard in session to explain it to her.
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blackemerald1
VIP Member
^^If I am honest - I want therapy to help me fix me. I wanted the old me back but I have come to the sad conclusion that not only is this impossible and therefore futile for me to try to do but also it's not a even remotely good thing to want on so many levels.
Somewhere in this I discovered that the new me can just sit in this puddle and just be me and that is more than enough for me and too bad if the world doesn't come to the same conclusion.
Being just me is the most honest me there is and it's a lot easier than being on the never ending constantly demanding self-improvement treadmill or having someone want to fix me constantly. So my therapist knows this and this is actually one of my goals. To accept me, my limitations and everything else that comes along with being me.
So you @Justmehere can sit with just being you too! Your T ought to see burn out when it is staring her in the face. She ought to see that you are wanting to deal with other life matters first especially when you tell her some of what is happening.
^^ I think you ought to call or email her and just let her know you are taking a break from therapy to deal with 'life'.... and as has been suggested make an appointment for X weeks time. Tell her you want to come back and be able to focus on the work you need to do but you simply need a rest. Rest is just as important...
If you are not able to get anything worthwhile from therapy right now the sensible option is to pause while you move through this phase. Why keep labouring and break down?
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