How To Tell My Mother I Have Ptsd?

[ladybug88]

Hello everyone,

I just found out that I am presenting with the symptoms of layered PTSD and I don't know how to tell my mother because she is still married to the man that caused it. I grew up emotionally and sometimes physically abused. I was in states of terror quite often and my mother in the past has denied that the things have happened to me or said that I was simply a difficult child. We have a fairly good relationship otherwise and for the last month I have not seen or spoken with my father because of the worsening symptoms. She gets really hurt when my dad's abuse is brought up or if I react sharply if he triggers past memories that cause my attacks.

Basically I want to tell her so she knows it's real and that I really don't want to avoid anybody. She messages me often and says she loves me but she occasionally slips in that her father is dead and she wishes I would talk with my dad while I still can. She makes me feel guilty a lot and, although she doesn't seem to know she is causing it, I often feel like I have to expose everything that I am feeling and that can be embarrassing.

I feel stuck and stressed/anxious. I color and cut her hair for her and she is coming over in a few days. I know she wants to talk about how to make things better between me and my dad but I keep having flashbacks that cause me to break down, sometimes for hours..sometimes for weeks. I am going to a therapist and within one session she figured it is most likely a complex form of PTSD and that the events I described with my dad would most definitely cause it. The hard part is that my dad wasn't a terrible father. He was kind, helpful, and a hard worker who always wanted to play with his kids. The bad that I remember shouldn't cover all of the good but she can't seem to understand that just because a person does a lot of good things doesn't mean that they erase the bad.

Ultimately I want to tell her so she understands that he was/is a threat and to look for similar signs in her two younger children but she feels he isn't as harsh with them as he was with me...again repeating that I was an enabler of his aggression in the ages of 9-16. I have witnessed him say many verbally abusive things to his children and recently again with myself. Insisting men can't talk to women and that I will never understand him as a person, I am a child and have no idea how the world works, he deserves to be talked to until he is satisfied and I do not have the right to ignore him because it is inhumane, etc. ( I am married, 23, have a job, and have my own home)

Any advice on how I should present this to her? I don't know what her reaction will be. She could be totally fine while at my house and then be angry later or she could want a deeper explanation right there...which is really hard for her to except because my dad completely denies everything. Thank God one of my sisters had witnessed a few of the physical abuse situations and could recount them, otherwise I would feel insane as if I made the whole thing up! Any advice would really help, and I'll be happy to update once I do tell her. Thank You!

 

[a3a2]

So, she denies and blames you for the abuse and manipulates you by smothering you with love and guilt. You have a great relationship as long as you pretend to live in her little perfect world. Are you my clone?

I think you should neglect to tell her for now, and get some therapy under your belt addressing her denial. She won't believe you and will come up with a million other reasons for the diagnosis. All of them will undermine you and your relationship with your siblings.

Are your siblings still in the home? Talk honestly with them. They need you. They need to know what is happening to them is not right.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I agree with @a3a2. I have been through this as well. With support from your T and support here, when you are feeling safe and well enough, you will be able to set boundaries silently and stick to them for your own sanity.

I know for me, it was like my mother was color blind and I kept trying to get her to appreciate the rainbow. For me, I had to cut off all contact for a time until I was strong enough. It is different for everyone though.

Toxic Parents is a really good book if you are interested.

 

[Hashi]

Regarding telling her you were abused you say:

[she says] I am a child and have no idea how the world works

she wants to talk about how to make things better between me and my dad

She makes me feel guilty a lot

She gets really hurt when my dad's abuse is brought up or if I react sharply

my mother in the past has denied that the things have happened to me or said that I was simply a difficult child.

she is still married to the man that caused it.

Regarding telling her you have PTSD, you said:

I don't know what her reaction will be.

I think you can expect her reaction to be exactly as above. With the addition that she will be denying your diagnosis too and/or somehow blaming you for it. I'm afraid I don't think telling her will change anything, except perhaps to increase her defensiveness and denial.

I'd suggest letting go of this idea for now and focussing on yourself and your recovery.

 

[Marf]

I would carefully and honestly examine why you want to tell her. A diagnosis does not make it real in the face of denial. It just makes you the "sick" one. Be careful that you do not getretraumatized by not getting the reaction you are expecting.

 

[lalacoastalsc]

Hi, I think I understand the position you're in regarding telling your mother about your diagnosis. I've had PTSD since I was a small child. My father's father sexually abused me for years and although I'm in my late forties I only told my father 6 years ago. I waited so long to to tell him because I felt certain he would deny the abuse rather than come face to face with the notion that his father would do such a thing. If his reaction was one of disbelief I knew for sure it would devastate me as you may have felt in the past when your mother replied with disbelief. At 40 I decided he needed to know and more than that I needed him to hear me. If your mother reacts with disbelief again you'll want to have prepared a reply with conviction that your diagnosis is correct and it makes you sad that she doesn't get onboard with the truth. Then stay calm. (If you have a therapist they often suggest you bring in the party who doesn't know and your therapist will verify the diagnosis and give you strength.) My heart goes out to you. Even though I don't know you I'm thinking of you.

 

[ladybug88]

Wow everybody! Thank you so much for all of your kind and wise words. Here's what I've come up with..

The real reason I want her to know is because she is a victim too. Often times she has had stress induced attacks because of the realization of the abuse. She finds ways to reason it so that she can feel comfortable again but with something as serious as one of her daughters suffering from something so heavy...I think she will have a hard time lying to herself as much as she has in the past. I have an issue with sacrificing myself for the health of my family, even if that means sharing something as personal as a mental disorder. I really want her to be able to know, even if she doesn't accept it at first, that I am not okay and he is the reason why. Is that really messed up? It hurts me a lot to feel that way because I love my parents, yes I even still love my dad, and I want to be able to have casual conversations in the future. In two years I want to have my first child and my in-laws are on the other side of the planet ( literally, they live in china) and so the only grandmother they will have will be mine. I wouldn't feel comfortable with letting them baby sit but I feel confident in my mother's capability. The issue is that my dad is still there so she has to suffer the loss of having her grandchild ever stay at her house.

Here is why it is so tricky. My dad, he is a great father to young children because children never question his sense of power. They want to play tea party, build forts, eat chocolate, play dress up, etc. and he loves all of that, however, once the child is over 8 or 9 he starts to become irrational because the child now has more of a "mind of their own". They defy his sense of right and wrong and are not as easily swayed into his opinion. The two children that are left at home do great in school and are generally very smart, yet they often make very crude sexual jokes because neither of my parents filter what they talk about in front of them. They will openly discuss sexual phrases like "golden shower" in great detail in front of their fifteen year old daughter. The boy who lives at home is twelve and he suffers from a few mental handicaps and is constantly shouted at by my dad. When confronted or approached about it we (being myself, my mother, and my sister) are told we have no idea what goes on in a boys head and he is his son to teach. My mother has told him many times to stop yelling at his son but he only stops for a short period of time to pacify her until it builds up again. I am there for my siblings and help them where I can but there is nothing more I can do right now. When I tell the oldest in the home that she is not alone and if she ever wants to talk to me she can, often my parents ask her what I said to make her feel like they are not the best parents; and she will tell them everything. That is always how it worked in my home. If you were "hiding" how you felt then you were "guilty" and they would sit the person down and not let them leave the room until they felt that they knew everything, sometimes it could last three hours or more until they were satisfied; almost like brain washing.

My therapist advised that if I feel comfortable telling my mother, I should. She said it will help her to understand that there is something wrong and that I am doing my best to work on it. Once I made it clear to my mother that I am not talking to my father because of serious personal issues, she started to let up a lot and take on a more understanding approach. I know she will most likely deny certain things, I am even prepared for the defensiveness...really all I want her to see is that there is still a danger there and that her kids could suffer something similar. The only problem is about two years ago they almost divorced and she gave him another chance, she is completely blinded and feels he has become a new man. She has changed so very much since then claiming this is who she has wanted to be all her life. She went from being the stay at home mom, who home schooled her kids, hardly ever wanted to go out, and was very conservative. Now she does things that my dad had been begging her to do most of their marriage. She wears short outfits with no underwear ( her two at home kids have witnessed this many times and have had to ask her to stop bending over), goes out to clubs almost every weekend, eats out all the time, curses, will specifically go to place where she can walk around almost if not completely naked. I mean it's a complete change around from who she used to be and she used to not step foot out the door in a skirt that went above mid thigh! I have no idea what is going on with that whole thing, maybe a midlife crisis? She's 40 by the way.

lalacoastalsc thank you for sharing your story with me. That must have been extremely difficult for you to speak about openly and I really appreciate your courage.

Thank you all again for all of your help with this. Please tell me what you think!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you're moving at lightening speed and should perhaps slow down. You just started seeing a new therapist and she diagnosed you in one session? Please, slow down. My guess is that if your trauma truly is as "complex" as you think, then now is not the time to be making huge decisions like this as I am doubting you have decent coping skills. (No offense meant, rather hardly anybody has good coping skills when first diagnosed). Take your time. Your mother isn't going to choose you over her husband---rather, this is very unlikely. Are you stable enough to deal with a major rift in the family?

 

[ladybug88]

Thank you for your concern! I am in no way offended :)

I had figured that something was wrong for a long time. I had actually seen a counselor before for similar issues years ago and the symptoms weren't quite as obvious. He had thought I just had an anxiety issue. This therapist says C-PTSD are the symptoms I am presenting with and I agree that the description fits the bill in my case. I went into her (my new therapist's) office with the general idea that ptsd is what I was suffering with. It's complex due to my emotions of still wanting a bond with the people causing me grief and for all the other areas of my life that I have been affected. An example is that I cannot handle a certain volume like a blender or blow drier without having that fight or flight feeling. In a way it is a relief to know a name for the things I am going through but I've known it was there for many years which is why I am so wanting to explain it to my mother.

I am sure others understand that although having PTSD is a huge mountain to climb, it is at least comforting to know that it has a name and others have experienced it too. I think I may come off as a little more insecure in writing than I do in person, but I feel that it is almost a defense I have against the accusations I've had to put up with. To show that it is obviously a real and true problem in my life that can't be chalked up to me just being a difficult person. I in no way want to hide behind it, I just don't know what I should feel though. Is this selfish or wrong? I feel like it is....

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I think you're moving at lightening speed and should perhaps slow down. You just started seeing a new therapist and she diagnosed you in one session? Please, slow down. My guess is that if your trauma truly is as "complex" as you think, then now is not the time to be making huge decisions like this as I am doubting you have decent coping skills. (No offense meant, rather hardly anybody has good coping skills when first diagnosed). Take your time. Your mother isn't going to choose you over her husband---rather, this is very unlikely. Are you stable enough to deal with a major rift in the family?

I strongly agree with this as well. I didn't start obtaining healthy coping skills until just this year and I've been on this journey for 3 years.

You are literally going through exactly what I went through. These things take time. Right now, I see that your motivation is to help your mother. You aren't strong enough to do so and telling her about your diagnosis, like others have said, is not going to get you the reaction that you want. It just will not and could end up re-wounding you. I did this very thing. I'm not saying it will happen the same way for you 100%, but dysfunctional family systems have been studied and researched til kingdom come. It's so classic!

It took me 3 years to reconcile with my parents without minimizing my own experience. And every time during and before that, my motivation was to change them, to help my mother, or get my needs met. I got re-wounded each and every time because I still had the emotional mind of a child. That is all so normal. It's amazing that I even have this kind of relationship now and that they are both in their own therapy now--that is very rare. My mother just got diagnosed with PTSD. She and I understand each other and are able to get along because we see our own Ts and are both learning proper boundaries, etc.

That kind of a thing just does not happen over night and it didn't happen by me sharing my experiences or diagnosis with her. I got to a point where I did end up doing a confrontation, but that also comes with time and emotional strength. I still never got the reaction I wanted from her or them, but today, I don't need them to meet the needs that I didn't get in childhood. Some of that has to do with me almost being 30 years old and also with all of the emotional work that I did.

You will go through your own process. Everyone has their own process and what works for some may not work for others. I am just speaking from personal experience.

You are sweet. I hear your heart. Protect it. No matter how much it hurts, protect it until you're emotionally healthy.

 

[Abstract]

I think others have raised import points here.

I would seriously look at your motivation and examine the likelihood of you getting out of revealing PTSD what you hope you will.

It sounds like you desperately want:
validation
protection for your siblings and even your mother
acknowledgement of you fathers abusive behaviour.
change in your family

What happens if you get none of these and rather get increased denial of your feelings and experiences and more guilt heaped on you? And you thereafter having PTSD used against you too. That is extremely likely as that is the behaviour that has been played out before and that is what your mother is capable of.

If you feel your siblings are not being safety parented (they are not) I truly hope you can report it to child protection services. You can do that anonymously and they will at least check on the family and your parents will know they are being watched. That is much more likely to result in some change than you telling them you have PTSD, sadly.

Coming to terms with the fact that our parents are not the parents we want them to be and likely never will be can feel devastating but it is very helpful and healing longer term.

 

[Hashi]

It sounds like your mother has problems that are far beyond the reach of you telling her you have PTSD. It seems you're hoping this will be a kind of wake up call, and will change her perspective. I'm very doubtful that it will.

At any rate, you can't predict her response. The only solid reason for telling her would be that it's something you want to do for yourself regardless of the outcome. However, it sounds like the outcome is very important to you, and I think you need to accept that you can't control it.

I'm surprised when you say your therapist said it will help your mother understand. Did she really say it so definitely ("it will"), with no room for any other outcome? What did she mean by "help" (to what extent?) and "understand"? (understanding isn't necessarily action or change). I can't help wondering if you might be tending to put an interpretation on what your therapist has said, to bring it in line with your thinking about the outcome you want. I wonder if it's worth exploring this a bit more with your therapist?

I think you're trying to rationalise something that isn't rational (denial). I say that as someone who has experienced a lot of denial themselves. I'm sadly familiar with the tricks it plays.

I agree with Abstract that the younger children aren't being safely parented. This isn't something you can fix by trying to change your mother's mindset. It's too complex and you don't have that sort of power.