Sufferer How To You Get Rid Of Residual Anger?

[workingwithc-ptsd]

Hi,

I have never met anyone else who has C-ptsd, or at least not that I was aware of. I have tried to talk to some of my friends, but they seem shocked or speechless when I have spoken about my past. I guess I am here to connect to people and get some advice. Sometimes I am angry, and this anger is out of proportion to the event or situation. A minor irritation at work, and I tend to overeact. The worst thing is that I am very aware of this when it happens. Bascially I have residual anger. But how do you get rid of that?

Confused.

 

[Ruth09]

Like carry a grudge about the event?

Like, why couldn't your co-workers plan ahead for a negative event and prevent it?

And then,... you end up doing their job for them, because you believe they are too stupid to do it?

And you carry the anger for days, if not weeks after the event?

And you believe that everyone around you is a dumb ass?

I don't have a clue. (But, the zoloft is working for me, so it takes the edge off.)
But, I found that exercise toward the end of the day helps. However, I use exercise as my zen moment.
I try to block out everything and just concentrate on my workout music as I exercise.
It allows me to relax.

I tell myself that "I don't give a f*ck", but I still do. Its people like us that are the best workers,... until we burn out.

Ruth

 

[workingwithc-ptsd]

Ruth, you read my mind. I am definately a perfectionist. I like to do my best and it is frustrating.

It's weird because I have a big heart. To be honest, I really regret getting agitated with people. I don't really know where I stand with them. Do they think I am a bitch? Or am I forgiven. I realise that I express more anger than necessary. I just want to be calm and civilised and have a mature discussion. But my emotions get the better of me. I don't want to burn out. What should one do, punch a pillow at night while thinking about the past. I want to move on!

 

[Sazza]

I was going to say exercise can be a godsend for working anger out of your system, it has helped me at times. Punching a pillow ain't a bad idea try it see if it works. Anger isn't nice to have to deal with but i can relate to it and we all have to find a way that works for us.

 

[Ruth09]

I've been trying to wrap my head around the perfectionist idea, too.

Because my mother ranted so much about being a failure and not doing anything correctly enough while I was a kid, I grew up with those thoughts in my head.

So, I performed with the perfectionist ideal in my head. Any slip-up, any minor mistake was met with the voice of my mother in my head telling me that I could have done better and that I was worthless and a failure. And I would be angry with myself. Nothing I did as a kid could win her unconditional love. Therefore, I was a failure.

ANY criticism by people in my adult life was exaggerated by that b*tches voice in my head.

And if I saw people screw up,... there was that b*tches voice,... becoming my own.

She also taught me as a kid that anything I had to say was meaningless,... there was no point to speaking out. Or, if I did speak out, I would have to conceive of every possible retort and result to speaking out against her. All while trying to be a kid.

In the military, being able to conceive of every possible retort and result to speaking out is loved and honed. You contemplate every disaster scenario and contingency to every military activity. And if you guard your words in front of your command. You can become a superhero.

However, your personal life suffers for it.

Eventually, when you grow into any adult not trusting anyone, you can hit a wall.

With me it was the military PTSD.

It really affected me. I found out I wasn't perfect soldier. I tried to be,... in everyway, shape, and form.
But, in my mind, the PTSD meant that I failed. And this failure was exaggerated by that b*tches voice in my head.

I lacked the ability to open up to anyone about my experience and was an expert at stuffing things down.
The Army loves people with this ability. Its called "Suck it up, and drive on."
As a result, the PTSD "box" eventually got full. And I was angry at myself for not being able to fulfil the role of the perfect soldier.

Until I retired, I couldn't deal with the "box". Opening that "box" Military PTSD would have ended my career.

Since I've retired,...
I've been coming to recognize how much of an influence my mothers "stuff" had on me, how much of an influence my mother's crap has had on my attempts in dealing with my military PTSD, and how big that f*cking box was.

The military PTSD broke my brain,... the drugs I'm now on seem to be helping.
And my T is helping me open my eyes to all the crap that makes me, me.

But, yeah,... being a perfectionist is very over-rated.

I still have problems allowing myself to do ANYTHING half-ass.

I still have problems allowing myself to make a mistake,... any mistake.
But, when I do, I actually ask myself,... "Who is angry at the mistake? Me? Or, my mother's voice?"

Now, from time to time, I have even allowed people fall flat on their faces and not be angry about it.
I'm not angry that I didn't point out their mistakes. And I'm not angry that they are an idiot.

With my T's help, I'm learning that I no longer HAVE to be a perfectionist.
I'm learning I no longer need to be angry with myself about the crap in my life.
I'm learning that I am not a weak "ex-soldier" if I cry. And when I cry, I don't need to be angry with myself for it.

Ruth

(I don't know if this helps,... but, this anger topic is helping me.)

 

[workingwithc-ptsd]

Well, I am really glad you shared this with me. My father was in the military. He was abused as a child and I guess that environment didn't help him. He doesn't seem to be able to look at himself. Growing up he was constantly in a rage. I thought maybe I was a bad kid. I did everything to please him. I thought then our family would be "fixed". In fact, when I think about him, even now, at 38, I have yet to encounter rage in another human being that matches my father.

Life was pretty scarey growing up. Anything could set him off. And he could either scream and threaten or actually hit. Sometimes when I get angry, I can match his rage. Which I dispise. I don't want this characteristic to be in me. Just like you don't want to act like your mother.

My therapist said that we create a protector. This part of us develops as a result of a threat. And mine is a very angry protector, because it had to fight my father's anger. My "T" says that I need to listen to the protector and tell it that everything is alright, because I can overreact at times. Of course, this is easier said then done.

For me, people that remind me of my parents set me off the most. People who play the vicitim, like my mother, and who don't take responsibility for their actions, but also people who are abusive.

I guess like a lot of people on this forum, I am sad around the holidays. I do not speak to my mother and father. I tried to forgive them, but when I was 35 my father attacked me. Since then, I have not been in contact. I have been in therapy dealing with the memories that were triggered by this event. Ugh! It has been 3 really intense years of therapy. I know the real me is here. Somewhere inside this storm of anger. Since this attack when I was 35, everything went back to normal for all my other siblings. They celebate Christmas, and Mother's and Father's Day, as if nothing ever happened. They were also abused, but everyone just pretends that it wasn't so bad. I think this is somehow at the very core of my anger. That my parents have never been held accountable for the abuse.

 

[workingwithc-ptsd]

Thanks Sazza! Yes, I am trying to figure out how to channel this energy. :)

 

[maddog]

Workingwithc-ptsd and Ruth, both of your posts above struck a very deep chord in me, thanks for expressing yourselves so eloquently and honestly.

Workingwithc-ptsd, your family situation mirrors mine almost exactly. It's a lonely, broken place, and I'm sorry you're there too. The injustice of my parents' behaviour, the denial of my siblings, the isolating disconnect I feel to have to live with both of those things every day... they hurt, and yes, perhaps especially at this time of year. My father also attacked me in adulthood, which I suppose should stand out for me as modern day validation of my experiences and reinforcement of why it is right to sever all contact, but those feelings of validation haven't really reached me yet, though others have been tossing them at me for a while now.

I also struggle with the terminal terror that my father's blinding rage and viciousness are in me. I know I have a short fuse, and am prone to irrational outbursts of retaliatory anger that are completely out of proportion with the event. Often thesedays that anger is fear-fuelled - I tend to lash out in fear at people and events in the world around me that threaten and trigger me. But whatever the reason, it's frightening, and shameful, and the guilt and regret I feel each and every time have become like a permanent state of being. I'm working hard on it, but...

Ruth, your discussion of perfectionism rung true for me too. i was always the same, fuelled by the memory of the condemnation of both of my parents whose view was that nothing I ever did or was could ever be good enough, or anything other than disgusting and shameful...

I liked your line about asking yourself if it is your or your mother's voice speaking to you of your failure, that resonated with me.

Sadly, and perhaps ironically, I have forceably had to give up a lot of my perfectionism lately, both professionally and in terms of general coping. The PTSD beast has bitten me hard and for now at least, the former high achieving self sufficient self is long gone. i'ts hurt almost intolerably to have to accept that I cannot do and be what I used to do and be, and there's a long rocky road ahead of me still.

My T tells me the same things yours does, and doggedly eats away at my cognitive distortions and fused mental blockages to the best of his ability, but sometimes I despair as to whether or not i can ever change.

Sorry for the outpouring of negativity, this thread just hit home close for me that's all.

Maddog

 

[workingwithc-ptsd]

Thanks Maddog,

Actually I didn't find your comments negative at all, just honest. I am new to this forum and it means alot that there are people out there who understand me. I had hoped that I could find this understanding with my siblings. For me it is just amazing to know that there are people who can relate to my history, and who cans sympathise. Thanks again for your comments!

 

[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum :)

Yes, I admit. I am a perfectionist. When I can't do something I get frustrated and angry with myself.
I know that I should not be this way but because of my traumas I demand more from myself. It's frustrating, I know that. But I can't be otherwise. So, I understand you.

 

[NurseandMom]

I too have CPTSD and am a perfectionist. I think it's developed from that intense feeling "I'm not good enough, I have to do better" or the feeling if only you do things right it will stop. What kind of counseling are you doing? I tried cognitive therapy and switched to EMDR.

 

[workingwithc-ptsd]

Hi NurseandMom,

I have had the EMDR treatment. I think it is a good therapy. And also I think that this has been a really good discussion. It has made me realize that my frustration with people over their lack of perfectionism is also linked to an unresolved issue. Probably this should be another thread. But basically no one in my family has acknowledged the abuse. Even my siblings who went through it pretend that it wasn't so bad. And this lack of acknowledgement has made me incrediably angry. I realized now that I joined this forum to try to get some acknowledgement for my feelings of anger. That I have the right to be angry. All this just spills over into my daily life, frustration at work. My perfectionism is a validation that I am a good worthy human being, who didn't deserve to be abused. I am as good as everybody else, or maybe I am trying to show this too much. I am better, I care more, I work harder, etc. I think I have something to prove to the world. I want to be validated, and of course, no one gets that. My co-workers don't know about my past. But the most frustrating problem I am faced with now is how do I move beyond my anger? How to I move beyond the lack of acknowledgement from my siblings? How do I accept reality?