What I didn't do is ignore my children on any subject. Sex, drug's, nothing was off limit.
Nor did I throw it down their gut's when they were not ready. I knew one day 'taboo' areas would come up. Because they were growing up & I had to be responsible for their education not some other adult, I did not know.
I know this sound's crazy, but by having the countless discussions about every conceivable topic that I raised or they questioned, the door was always open for further discussion. Which led to more questions. Children are rarely terrorised by perpetrators if they are supported by being informed. It is ignorance, not information that allows perpetrators to do so much harm.
I often heard "it takes a village to raise a child". Well, I'd really like it, if they had found that village, because I couldn't find it in the numerous books I scoured on how to raise children. So, I threw them in the bin & decided I couldn't trust my children to whatever village I was in. No, education from me about 'life matters' was my responsibility.
I learned that my children would question everything & every one. Including me, because I knew at time's I would be wrong. Not deliberately ever. But accepting that as a parent, that you are wrong about something & you allow your child to ask questions about it. Lead's to some interesting outcomes. It, I suppose supports their inner self to grow...to question & be "aware" that they cannot be protected at every moment for the rest of their lives by me. What child wants that? That is not parenting.
I am not talking about undisciplined parenting. By default I was raised to never question. It was the 'old school' way. It didn't work for me & that's probably one of the reasons why I am here on this forum.
At time's I got exhausted. I had to post pone a question. I admitted I didn't know the answer's to everything. Nor would they. But I lit the fire in their gut to go & find the answer & bring it back to me! Which led to more questions & quest's for answers.
They learned that some questions had no definitive answer, which taught them to look at why there was no answer.
Yes, they learned that questions had to be put at the right moment. And they had to accept this. Now, I admit I could have raised two indecisive brats. Three decades down the road, I don't believe they are. Yes they probably knew a lot more than their friends. But, then there is that magic of hindsight.
When it came to their decision making; they learned that to NOT question other people based on facts was akin to being led blindly. To be led blindly meant it was not safe. If it was not safe, they had been taught to say NO & mean it!
If you are thinking this is a sure fire way to protecting ones children from a cunning recidivist abuser. The answer is no. I just wanted my children to develop & trust their instincts.
Enquiring into my children's days whilst they were beyond my sight, was a daily routine I established from their very first days in child care. ,
Any subject was open. Some answers were simple to satisfy their curiosity & believe me.... some like the subject of this Post, required a firm & frank stance. I did not lower my voice & address the perpetrators as either gender, nor acting alone. My children were not horrified that there people out in the world who would try to harm them; people we might already know; people on the internet who could try to 'take' them; pretend to be a friend; persuade them to keep secrets; touch them & on it went. I didn't use 'baby names for genital parts. I don't believe I ever did. Human biology had long been canvassed.
This was the opportunity I had to take to 'armour' my children with the only protection I could give. The truth. Information.
It amazed me what I learned about what was going on in their lives. It stunned me what 'school yard junk' was being passed as fact. The expressions on my son's face's were beyond word's when I told them the truth. More often than not we'd end up laughing till we cried. But, sometimes it felt like I was merclessly lifting a veil of innocence from their eyes. But, I could never lie to them. That would have been neglect. They had to understand that I could not identify every circumstance; every potential abuser they might encounter in their lives. But, I could reinforce my unwavering belief in them that to protect themselves & their future they had the right to question anyone & everyone before they believed anything. A healthy dose of critical analysis before a decision was far better than a tragic leap of faith.
Believe me, children do have radar's for finding the lie. They do not want to go out into the world unequipped. They are born innocent into a imperfect world. What better reason does a responsible parent have?
Simple stuff, like what is a fact & what is a theory. Big stuff like War, Environment, the kid in the class who has no lunch...has to wear glasses. Where do Tampons go? Then why... & so, I spent "time" with my children, always the routine, sometimes "impromptu" but never ignored or told "that's not right for you to ask"...or show embarrassment... or "go ask your teacher" (shirking responsibility as a parent).
Listening & not making assumptions as to why they are asking a question was eye opening too. I learned a lot about what was worrying them by the nature of their questions.
So, when do I suggest you start listening, discussing & answering their questions. Educating? IMHO from the day they are born.
As to telling another parent to have a exclusive discussion on the area of abuse with their beautiful young daughter even through your mother; I suggest find out much more information about the way she is being 'educated' on such matters, before you start that journey.
