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My day has been L.......O.......N.........G, now I just wish it wasn't so late and time to retire. Still holding onto my pers. dream of one day, me never needing any medicine for my PTSD, ever. Not that I'm suggesting that this is the way to go, the wrong way, the right way or whatever...........In fact, I'm not suggesting anything, just sharing that this is My Personal Dream and I hope it comes true in this lifetime.
Hope, you hang on to that :) If it makes you happy and you are trying for it. My mind and opinion on drugs have changed 20 times LOL. Just keep an open mind on your journey and support you either way.
Lisa that is awesome!
Me... Hubby got me a new tooth brush. I have no idea what all has happened to it now. My lil one was in the bathroom for a while and I asked hubby what is she doing??? He said peeing... OK, 15 minutes? I holler in asking and she says the classic "noottthhinnggg" So I peek. She is brushing the damn cat with my tooth brush now! GAG YACK. OK, this is the shit I am seeing. What has gone on I don't catch??? Ahhh kids. Can't wait till they move out!
Nicolette and veiled...thanks! I did brag to family members about this and they were all surprised and very supportive about this. I hadn't realized I had gotten that bad about new people and touching until that moment.
Hope, I hope your dream comes true for you, too. :Hug_emoticon:
Veiled...for goodness sake hide that new toothbrush up high where you little one can't see it or find it!!!!!!
Today feeling sick and stressed. Had a bad nightmare last night so awoke really early, feeling really tense,with that horrible 'sick' feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Tried to write in my diary here .... and then just felt like a complete failure. Flashback, lost time ... anxiety
Than had a distressed friend on the phone (who thinks I am to blame for her husbands suicide - long story and I try not to burden any guilt) - not really strong enough to help her ?more guilt?
So, not really coping, definately struggling
Now in desperate need of clearing my head of junk and stress and anxiety and... everything. I have to work tomorrow.
Sorry for sounding off
Awesome. I have not even a single dirty sock and absolutely zero in the wash or dryer! Made a nice roast today.
I am nervous but a little excited hubby and I are to go on a date tomorrow. I have been doing well getting out once a week and recovering from it. We are stepping it up to a lunch date and movie. I am supposed to go eat sea food and see Meet the Spartans. I love slap stick so it should be fun! And no kids! We had some time alone last Summer 7 months ago and already again! Wow, alone time 2 times in one year? Unheard of!
Today, and up until my PRN medicine and ciggerette-killing medicine, which I bought tonight, after 4 consecutive days feeling great smoke-free kicked in, I had felt and imagine I was just awful. Pissed my husb. off. He pissed me off, I pissed him off, so forth. Earlier tonight went through a series of flashbacks and survived, though I thought I'd die. Scared the be'geeze'es out of my husband. And, earlier today my son and daughter came inside to find me sobbing, stressed to the max, and for some stupid reason having lost control of my arm. It was jerking and I was somewhat slapping myself in the face. My daughter wanted to know why, and I was unable to give her any answer. Disgusted, Disgusted and more disgusted with myself, and yet what choose do I have but to learn more and do better. Really, afraid lately as it seems for some ungodly reason, my children are seeing more of my condition than ever before.
It's all freakin' nuts. I went from a regular drinker, yrs. and yrs. ago and improved to a bender drinker all before I was married with kids. Then I stopped drinking altogether. This is a great success, I suppose, if that's the goal and it was mine. But wtf, my PTSD went from yrs. of 24hr. daily symptomatic, untreated PTSD yrs. back, to improvement and sporadic. Then things changed to a release from most if not all symptoms, and then back to sporadic. Now, I'm scared almost stiff it's heading backwards to a 24hr. daily insomniac, (among other symptoms) direction and I simply cannot live through this ever again.
Do apologize here for the truth. This crap sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on a worst enemy, if I had one. blah......blah......blah
Forget day... Weekend. I did it all! I saw Meet the Spartans, a slapstick style spoof of 300. Did not make it all the way. Previews for other movies were harsh. So not funny. I cramped up hard and felt my intestines were being cut out. After leaving and walking it eased, but I made most of it. We ate seafood. Nice, but well, bad service.
Then hubby invited inlaws for supper. The invite was same day and hubby offered to back out but hell I could not. So today I got steak on and all the sides. First time ever MIL came here for supper. All went well besides hubby knocking on bath door and asking if OK. I yell leave me alone I am just trying to pee! And in front of them he came in kitchen and said holler if I get confused. He meant well but could have killed him. Then I hit the track too.
Well, last night I started a new yoga class. Not instead of my old one, but in addition to. The studio is about a block and a half from my house. Everyone was really nice and I had a good time and a good stretch!
What amazed me was that I decided to try this new place, went there and had no anxiety associated with it. WOW! What a change of pace for me. It only hit me this morning that this had happened. So the delayed reaction is still in place (bummer!), but I was really proud of myself that I was able to go into an unknown place with unknown people and do what I came there to do. Yea!
Extremely busy week. Our fairly new front-loader washer broke and is now useless. With children and as much laundry as I do the time it will take to replace it, will mean loads and loads of piled-up dirty laundry ahead.
Had dye shot into me yesterday and have since been peeing neon yellow. Was quite lucky however yesterday as fluro-angiogram specialist directed me to prep with steroid and benedryl before test; I did not get hit with extreme naseau, dry-heaving and the melting like butter to the floor (NO muscle tone) allergic reaction I had last time.
Tommorrow I must drive to the city for another eye doctors appt. myself. I'm going to do it. But quite honestly, I feel very leary and tense about having to do so.
Friday, we will dismiss the kids from school, and all drive there again. I probably should prepare myself to practice just being and not speaking that day, bc this appt. I am quite afraid of. Trying to practice letting go of control and simply going on blind-faith. However, I have this feeling, let's say fear, that I ought to get to a confession before going, bc the appt. includes a needle into my eyeball, which I've yet to have before, and quite naturally the doctors must list the possible many complications of such procedure, and yet it is not even treatment, rather it is research......which may prove pers. beneficial if it works w/o compl. and includes one of the 2, (out of a 3 possibility) of receiving medicine, which they want FDA approved.
Whatever............the good news today is though is that I am very happy about having succeeded in downloading a subscription to a library of large print and audio software books that I can access and read, or listen to, without too great of pain, frustration, stress and eye-strain. I started my first book, "Women Who Light the Dark" today and it is Most Interesting to me.