Humiliating Work Meltdown -- Advice For How To Recover?

[Lessthanzero]

In recent weeks/months I've been in crisis, and after many years living/working in conflict and post-conflict countries, where I developed PTSD, I am moving to my home country. However, my colleagues have been on the receiving end/seen several big meltdowns in these recent weeks, as my trauma relates to assault at the hands of authorities in a country (in a completely different region of the world from where I currently live) where there is significant state-sponsored persecution and violence of which I have been a target. Since some of them are from this region or have extensive work and family histories there, I've often become triggered or paranoid by things they have said, fearing (irrationally) that they are collaborating with these same authorities. My own ex-husband, who is in politics in one of the countries in the region, ultimately left me under significant political pressure put on him by the police, so I have a very difficult time trusting people.

A few days ago, my entire team wrote me a letter basically saying I needed to step away from the business (I'm the owner/founder), or hand them the legal rights because they felt they'd been subject to a "systemic pattern of abuse" by me, in the form of accusations and subsequent apologies. I had a total meltdown, sent multiple emails panicking, as I had no idea they all had united against me in this way and was completely taken aback that even those with whom I was very close had co-signed it. I freaked out and had a complete meltdown, emailing prominent people in our shared field incoherent nonsense, saying that they were collaborating with the state, etc. Now I am utterly ashamed. I lost my entire team, and probably torched my career, where I'd attained a fairly high amount of success.

I'm going home for a while to (finally) get treatment, but I was wonder if anyone has any advice about how to rehabilitate your career/image and apologize to people after such a meltdown? Everyone in my field knows about at least some of my traumas, as it was widely reported in the media. Still, can you ever come back? I care deeply about some of these people and now I have severed ties with them completely and am left feeling like a crazy loser with absolutely no future.

My instincts tell me to let it all cool down for a bit, stop sending emails apologizing or trying to "explain" and wait a few months after treatment has started and approach them with an apology or letter of appreciation. Any thoughts would be helpful.

 

[Casey_03]

I think your instincts are right -- give it time. The more you reach out and try to explain now, the crazier it will seem. If your colleagues are aware of your traumas, they will likely understand, but things are probably too fresh for them now to process more explanation. Let it cool down and sort out your thoughts; compose letters that you won't send yet just to get it all out. You can send them later if you decide to. People may gossip at first, or question aloud why you behaved the way you did, but they'll get over it. These things always seem more catastrophic to us than they do to the bystanders. The problem is that you're stuck in your own head and probably can't escape the anxiety over all this; but whereas you're reliving it over and over out of guilt, they aren't. I highly doubt they would vilify you or even think badly of you, especially if they have been working in conflict zones with you. Just give it time, go easy on yourself in the meantime and realize that ultimately, this is good, because it prompted you to get treatment and stopped you from continuing down an unhealthy path. Your colleagues will get over it. Focus on yourself now and they will come around.

 

[Friday]

Your instincts are dead on, IMO.

 

[The Albatross]

Agree with Friday til you can get a level head and make some sound decisions with levity. Reactivity made it worse... so reign it in for a bit?

 

[Chava]

any advice about how to rehabilitate your career/image and apologize to people after such a meltdown?

I relate to meltdowns (though mine are totally private), but can really relate to this from my perspective as an alcoholic. You've already shown a pattern of accusations or conflict then apologizing. As an alcoholic, I did this sort of thing all the time. The habits didn't change and I kept apologizing. The apologies become meaningless very quickly...almost insulting.

My instincts tell me to let it all cool down for a bit, stop sending emails apologizing or trying to "explain" and wait a few months after treatment has started and approach them with an apology or letter of appreciation.

This sounds wise. You would be better living by a different example, or showing that you have changed. This will take time, even the small changes. But look for patterns you might be able to change or work around. For example, the email stuff itself might be a tool to really let go of, to the extent it is possible. Or pen-and-paper write stuff out first, put it in an envelope for a day, etc. Connect some mindfulness to the communication and hopefully extra treatment will help you find other ways to deal with the emotions and triggers that have you repeating patterns that are becoming destructive. You could still apologize down the road, or let them know that they are appreciated (always helpful), but your best bet might be working on your issues and "showing" them that you are trying and changing. Also, continue to find ways to create space between you and your reactions to others, whether changing how you communicate or what routes you use for coping when triggered, etc.

Glad you are able to get some more help. Sorry it sounds very difficult right now.