Relationship Hurt V's Help

[Amanda_j]

Apologies in advance if I ramble. But honestly, that's ME. I talk, a lot. I talk things through with my man. At least I used to. For the last 4 years we have loved one another unconditionally. He loves me for me. I adore him, and I always will.

Its been a year since I started to notice the changes in "my" man. Before then, in the first 3 and a half years of our relationship, we didn't have any major issues. We just worked. Not a day went by when we wouldn't talk frequently. Not because we had to, but because we wanted to.

I had a regular childhood. Happy memories and a decent, loving home. Things weren't so rosy later in life, but nothing compared to what he dealt with. He had a terrible upbringing, but one we used to talk about often and sometimes, if the mood suited, he would even go so far as to joke about it.

Then something "happened". I don't know what. He won't talk about it. That's when things changed. Something was terribly wrong.

Fast forward a year, less than a week ago, he tells me he has ptsd. He has shut me out, not something that is unfamiliar to me, its happened lots over the last year. My head is spinning. But what I am dealing with is nothing compared to what he must be going through.

I have read as much information as I can on ptsd. I joined this site, which has saved me in so many ways. He won't speak to me at all at the moment. He is completely avoiding me. But I have given him his space, again, something I am used to. I have so many unknowns, questions I need answered and thoughts and feelings I need to share with him. But it will all have to wait. Right now it's about what he needs, and in the meantime, during the silence, I will try to find my answers and my peace elsewhere.

I know that I won't ever truly understand how this is for him. I assume that no matter how much I read, that I will never know what he deals with personally unless he decides to communicate that with me. But some of the things that are eating at me right now are as follows. Why is it that ptsd sufferers push away the one that mean the most to them? Why is it that in times of absolute....darkness? confusion? Pain? Worry? Stress?...all of it....why does he not "want " me or my support? I mean absolute no disrespect to any sufferers who read this. I am extremely confused and lost right now, and I'm just trying to gain a better perspective on it, and going by how it feels for me at this particular time. As a non sufferer, it's easy for me to say that in past, and present, when I'm not doing well, it is my man who I want to spend time with. Talk to. Why is it that he can spend time with family, work colleagues, friends, but he can't talk to me at all right now? I'm not pressuring him. I told him that I loved him. That I am here, and I thanked him for telling me.

Another thing I need to get out there is this, is it difficult for sufferers, at times, to hear the words " I love you"? My man used to say it several times a day. For the past 6 months that hasn't been the case. It hurt at the start, but I'm used to it now and I know he does love me, they were my insecurities and I dealt with them, and Im grateful that I still get to hear those words every now and again. But I would like to know if me telling him that he's loved, if that would make things harder for him?. Sometimes I think that it hurts him to hear it? Or confuses him? Or he just doesn't know how to react to those emotions? Does telling him how I feel about him hurt or help?

 

[ihateusernames]

Why is it that he can spend time with family, work colleagues, friends, but he can't talk to me at all right now?

Sometimes I think that it hurts him to hear it? Or confuses him?

I don't know anything about your boyfriend, obviously, I have no idea what his background is, so I can only speculate, but my guess- purely speculative guess- is that the things you just said here are your clues to his behavior.

He could very well be retreating because you guys are so close. I don't know what is or isn't normal. I don't remember being any way other way than this- I retreat into myself and hide. Not only will I not allow anybody to help, I will do my damndest to make sure nobody even knows something is wrong. I don't trust other people with my problems or for support. When I slip up and let on that something is wrong I close off from them. I can see that you don't understand that sort of response and I honestly don't know whether this is trauma-related or a difference in personalities or what.

I'm also not sure whether you can understand this explanation. It's hard for me to tell where I'm "abnormal" and where people won't be able to relate at all. But I'll give it a shot anyway. Consider it this way: If throughout your life the people you loved and trusted and the people who were supposed to love and take care of you had instead treated you like worthless garbage and had instead harmed and endangered you- you would assume that you'd realize that those people were wrong and bad. But that's not actually how it works. More often than not you believe that you are, in fact, worthless garbage and that the way you are treated is an appropriate response to your own love and trust.

Okay, so then you grow up or you get away from all of that and live a more or less normal life and intellectually you understand completely that those people were very, very wrong and that you are no less worthy than anybody else. But then sometimes when you're under a lot of pressure or you're sick or you encounter something extremely distressing and your defenses are knocked down and you don't have the energy to keep reminding yourself of these things that you know, you revert back to that line of thinking because it's what you're programmed to do. It's your autopilot. And then who wants to put themselves in a situation where loving somebody means being hurt by them?

There are a lot of different responses to this. Some people will run away and never come back, others become clingy and doting in hope that they can ward off the hurt they're expecting, etc, etc.

Don't take this to mean you've lost him or anything. I'm just trying to explain what may be going on in a way that you can maybe empathize with.

 

[BlueOrange]

There is a part of me that believes that I am evil. That I am a corrosive, toxic creature who destroys those who are foolish enough to be close to him, to love him.

When that part of me has a lot of power, it tries to protect the people that I love, by pushing them away.

I'm aware of the problems with this, and am working through it. My point is "Yes, it is possible to avoid the people who love you, because you care about them."

There are other possible reasons, but I'd also be surprised if I was unique in that regard.

 

[shimmerz]

That I am a corrosive, toxic creature who destroys those who are foolish enough to be close to him, to love him.

*heavy sigh* Yes. I don't believe I am evil, but I do believe I am a destroyer. I don't know why.

 

[Amanda_j]

I'm also not sure whether you can understand this explanation. It's hard for me to tell where I'm "abnormal" and where people won't be able to relate at all.

@ihateusernames. From what little he has told me, I think he experiences this also. thank you

 

[BlueOrange]

*heavy sigh* Yes. I don't believe I am evil, but I do believe I am a destroyer. I don't know why.

For me, attacking the 'why' of it hasn't been very effective. What has worked, recently, is reflecting on acts of kindness that have been part of my life (rating them out of 10 seems to help me form a perspective on them and also seems to make them more real). Having an alternative belief to 'crowd out' the negative view of myself seems to have worked better than trying to directly confront the negative view.

 

[Amanda_j]

Thank you all for your input. My man shuts down every time I mention anything remotely close to feelings or emotions, because he says he "doesn't understand them". It appears that he has gotten 'worse' over time, so my instinct is to try and step in and help in whatever way I can, but now I can't do that. I have to step back, and it's a daily struggle. When someone you love hurts, you just want to take their pain away. But yes, @BlueOrange attacking the 'why' isn't achieving anything right now. He keeps apologising, saying things like "sorry I'm no fun", "sorry I'm quiet". Is there a way to show him or help him understand how much I still love him and that he has nothing to be sorry for?

 

[ihateusernames]

He keeps apologising, saying things like "sorry I'm no fun", "sorry I'm quiet". Is there a way to show him or help him understand how much I still love him and that he has nothing to be sorry for?

Oh boy that sounds familiar. My advice is something you're probably not going to like: wait it out. He'll build trust in you and your love over time. That is the only thing that worked for me.

 

[Amanda_j]

wait it out. He'll build trust in you and your love over time

Thank you. When he disclosed his diagnosis with me, I knew very little about ptsd. So after reading up, it all started to make sense to me. At the time though, I didn't know much at all, so after he told me, we talked very briefly about it. He said not telling me before then had nothing to do with not trusting me, but I suspect there are probably a million other things going on his head right now. I feel as though it's difficult to do what's right for him if I don't know what he needs or doesn't need. But I will wait. I will continue to give him his space and hopefully he will share with me soon. My concern is this....how much space do I give? I don't want to push him, but I don't want to ignore what's happening either. Can too much space and avoidance have a negative impact?

 

[Lmm]

I just went through something very same "why can he talk to other people but not me? question. It hurt. He did "snap out of it"...I say that because it was literally like the two months of him ignoring me never existed. Things aren't great but we're together. I also get the less affectionate thing from h (you said he doesn't say he loves you as much). He gets annoyed or mad when I show my emotions. I'm very new to this too so don't have worldly advice but can say that this sounds very much like what happened to me and what many others seem to be going through. It's hard to say on what you should do during this time. I think let him know once you are always 100% there for him and love him if you want to then give him space for a while.

 

[ihateusernames]

Sorry @Amanda_j I didn't even try to answer your question. I don't know if I can answer it. I think that maybe you are feeling like you can talk things through with him and solve the problem? I'm not saying that you aren't taking it seriously or grasping the severity of what he's going through. I can read that into what I've just written and that's not what I mean. My point, though, is that you can't. You care deeply about him so I understand that you want to fix it. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The best thing is to just be loving and accepting and patient. So basically, give him all the space in the world, but don't go anywhere. At the same time you need to take care of your own self. Don't let his demons overrun your life, too.

 

[Amanda_j]

I think that maybe you are feeling like you can talk things through with him and solve the problem?

@ihateusernames This is exactly what I tried to do at the beginning. I know that I can't fix him, and I'm not even trying anymore. I'm frustrated because I don't know the severity of it. @Lmm yep, the "why does he talk to others but not me", that part I'm still trying to come to terms with.
Thank you for your comments, I appreciate it. :)