Hurting Intimate Parts Of The Body

[Lady of Longbourn]

For a long time I have had the desire to hurt my breasts, probably for years now. So when I think about self harm, it's not my arms I think about, it's my breasts. I can picture myself ripping them and just hurting them.

Also I don't actually like my breasts to be touched. This is not always true, sometimes I really enjoy it, but I realized recently that I will actually protect them from my husband touching them and get really scared. Before my husband I used to get a lot of male attention, it was almost endless, maybe it comes from that.

I tried to figure out where this self harm desire is coming from, or how far back it goes and I am not coming up with anything solid. I am not sure why my breasts would be a target for self harm and not other parts of my body.

Anyone relate?

 

[anonymous]

I can relate. I'm not 100% sure why or where it comes from specifically. I have a long history of self harm and it's not always my breasts, or other intimate areas, I want to hurt, but it often is.

I think part of it comes from the conflict and confusion I have over sexual feelings due to long term sexual abuse. I think in some ways it might be punishment for having those feelings.

Perhaps as well, my breasts are what defines me, physically, as a woman and I might feel betrayed by that in some way. I don't know how to explain that better, sorry.

 

[Leah123]

Hmmm, well, I can relate to feeling very protective of and sensitive about my breasts. I never seriously self-harmed, but I did scratch and pick at my skin, and most of that was in that area. I know I have some anxiety there, and also think that the breasts are so uniquely powerful (breastfeeding as well as seduction come to mind) that they are a uniquely feminine way to control discomfort, which is what self harm is all about, sigh. One thing I strugged with, and have had some success at though, is redirecting those impulses to manage my anxiety by hurting/picking is to soothe and caress instead. A different payoff, but compelling. Not sexual either, it's something I try to do w/all my harmful impulses, but it does seem to help.

 

[asldjfasldjf]

When I was hitting puberty, my mom basically told me that my hormones rendered me functionally insane. I used to want to kill myself by cutting out my ovaries. I think that any kind of self-harm/fantasy related to our secondary sex characteristics involves sexual abuse/conflict, difficulty with one's identity as a woman/man, or difficulty with the parent of the same sex. Just my theory.

 

[Chava]

My boobs are useless. But ditto the whole connection to our being women. I did starve away all of my feminine characteristics so I was like a forever little girl. BUT I had really great legs in high school that attracted some attention. The one of few nights I wore short shorts to a party, I was assaulted and tried to kill myself a few days later. I cut up my legs to remind myself to never wear shorts again (not saying this happened at all because of my short shorts and my legs...but this is how it felt, you know, that I revealed too much and sort of asked for it). I struggle with wanting to feel attractive but also not attract any attention from most men. It's many years later, but I'm trying to appreciate how strong my legs are and how much they do for me.

But I also cut my arms...so cutting, in general, was a way to deal with deeper pain and I was doing it even before this incident. I just remember feeling really ashamed of myself and going to town with my knife.

Your fears are understandable here, but I hope you can take care of yourself and never have to hurt yourself. Sometimes drawing or scribbling in red helps in place of those urges or fleeting images of cutting. Doesn't always help, but that's more a way of turning rage outward in a safe way vs turning it all in as self rage and shame.

 

[littlelostchild]

I too have wanted to harm my breasts. I have imagined cutting them to shreds. I expect it is the self loathing and blame I feel about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. I know it is totally illogical, but it is there. There was also a time during which my father would 'check me out' by grabbing my breasts to fondle them, supposedly to see how I was developing. My breasts are my least favourite feature and the one I try to hide with baggy shirts.

It has been a few months since I have wanted to mutilate my breasts, but when we begin discussing the specifics of my trauma again, it will likely rear its ugly head.

That's my reason.

 

[ms spock]

This is a brave thread.

I think that with all the child sexual abuse, a part of us becomes where we direct all our frustration, pain, anxiety, anger, fear, longing, loneliness and hopelessness on to it. It becomes a symbol of the needy human part of us that wants connection and which we hate because it seems to get us into so much trouble. It is easier to sit with the self hate rather than the emotional loss and void and lack.

That is my theory anyway.

 

[joeylittle]

I often have the very strong urge to cut into my genitalia. I know it has to do with specific things that I survived and regret surviving; I actually acted on this urge in my late teens and early twenties. Now, I just think it.

I despise my body, but especially the parts of my body that were used to the point of dysfunction. That's what it is. I don't have any good words of comfort, but I really understand where this thread is coming from.

 

[Go Hungry]

I sometimes want to hurt myself down there. I have no idea why. It really doesn't make sense to me, because from what I know there was never any trauma involving him. But I think about cutting him off or putting out cigarettes on him. I think maybe it's because I feel like I don't deserve happiness. Like if I punish myself in that way that it'll... I don't know. I don't know. Thankfully it has never happened. I have the sense to realize that I would spend the entire rest of my life regretting it. :cry: But it comes up every few days.

A lot more common is the desire to hurt my face. That comes up constantly. I haven't ever done that either. I really just don't understand why we want to hurt ourselves more than we already have been.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Maybe this is a stupid thought. I just thought of it. Maybe it's about not being comfortable with our sexuality. I don't mean if we are gay or bisexual or straight, I mean just comfortable in our bodies.

I guess I just didn't see it from that angle and of course that can tie into trauma and then of course...maybe it doesn't, maybe it's not so clear. My breasts for example, I can't really tie into trauma, I don't think anyone hurt them or anything.

I'll think about that one.

This is a brave thread.

:roflmao: I do that a lot. Thanks Ms Spock. :)

 

[Go Hungry]

Maybe this is a stupid thought. I just thought of it. Maybe it's about not being comfortable with our sexuality. I don't mean if we are gay or bisexual or straight, I mean just comfortable in our bodies.

This is better, no? ;)

I've wondered about this too. Maybe we get so screwed up when it comes to gender roles that we want to hurt the most obvious parts of our gender. I know that.. okay this is difficult to admit. I remember when I was in early college I wanted to remove him because I felt like that was what was separating me from women. Like I would understand them more, and could be a better friend to them. Without wanting to use them, or the ability to. I think a great deal of that was the bipolar, and once again, I'm so thankful I didn't. Plus I think that maybe there is some part of me that feels so bad about being, effeminate I guess? I'm not really. But everybody made me feel that way as a kid. The thing is that I liked things that girls liked. I liked pretty things. Beautiful things. I still do. My tumblr is filled with mermaids and faeries for goodness sake. But I just love beauty.

Maybe I feel like being a guy is just incongruous with this. It's funny.. at one point a gay friend asked "if you could be any Streetfighter character in real life who would it be?" Without thinking I just blurted "Chun Li." He thought for a second and said that he was surprised by that. And I was like "OMG!!!" that I had said that. Actually I think it's because there's a part of me that just wants to be a lesbian... To just have what they have, and be what they are.

I can't believe that just came swimming up out of the past.. Sheesh, what's wrong with me?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Go Hungry So at what point were you more comfortable being a guy? What changed for you?

I remember a time where all the clothes I would wear would be baggy and my hair would be in knots; I was terrified of being female.

I don't have that fear now but it took a lot of work.