Thinking back now.. I mean it's hard to explain. I wonder if this part of me might be an Other. I wanted.. it's just so strange. I wanted the things of a girl. Even as a little kid I played with girls instead of boys. I wanted dolls and I wanted action figures. I remember a rather embarrassing time when as part of a school fund-raiser they let us order posters to take home. Everybody looked at me funny and I didn't understand why.I had ordered posters of unicorns and dolphins. And gods did I want these posters of masks that I knew for sure were specifically aimed at girls, but I knew that my Dad would never understand. Yet at the same time I was masturbating to Victoria's secret catalogs. I wanted the things of a girl, but wanted girls too.
Back in high school my teacher had a catalog of women's jewelry that I was crazy to get my hands on. Lapis lazuli and shimmering mother of pearl... The beauty of those things. This was the same teacher that thought I was gay. I remember as far back as 4th grade some girls telling me that I ran like a girl and that was strange. I didn't know what they meant. Yet I remember being very young, I mean like 5 or 6 years old, and being apeshit attracted to a drawing of Eve in one of those kids bibles. So attracted that I was scared to let anybody see me staring at it.
But I guess the first time I was comfortable being a guy was.. Forever. I was a guy. I had always found girls lovely, yet I found the things of girls lovely too.
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