Hurting

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I've come to a realisation, it's been a slow awakening and one that has upset me without my knowing over and over. It was made more obvious by being away and staying with someone else, or should I say when I got back. My Mum is avoiding me, but we live with each other.

Last year I told my Mum the full (or near enough) extent of my abuse, it came when PTSD reared it's ugly head and erupted bringing so many memories with it. It had been bad before, but not like that, I was struggling with flashbacks and virtually every other PTSD symptom, in an attempt to hide it by shutting my self away it was noticed. I had pretty much no choice than to tell her what was going on and she was ok, she was clearly upset and distressed, but she was good about the whole thing.

After the initial bout of caring and making sure I was doing everything medically that I should be (mostly getting on waiting lists for therapy and starting to eat again), as I regained some footing and managed to appear a little more settled she grew more distant. The few times I tried talking to her, she blanked me and/or didn't really listen. I stopped being able to talk to her and spent more and more time not with her, when I tried to spend time with her it seemed shallow. Beyond being there as a basic caregiver (for which I am thankful), the close bond I had always had with her ebbed further and further away. I thought it was me.

Ten months down the line, I've gone to stay with the only friends I have and it's a welcome break, not only that but I was functioning far better than I have been in years when I was there. They were kind and supportive and something else that I couldn't put my finger on. I went back less than a month later for a longer stay and that something was still there. A feeling of acceptance, of kindness and caring. When I came back the thing that I had felt growing became painfully obvious.

My mum is no longer capable of looking me in the eye, we can't talk properly, she behaves awkwardly around me and whilst she is supportive at basic level of "I am your mother and therefore I must do these minimums", she no longer cares deeper - I suspect that it is not true, but I think the knowledge of my abuse hurts her and she (and she has said this) feels that she failed me. I repeatedly have reassured her that this is not the case and that the only people to blame were my abusers not myself or her. As a result she can't remain attached to me on any level and I understand, I'm barely attached to me either, but I feel rejected.

We have drifted apart and to be honest I barely feel welcome here, despite this being my home too. I know that isn't the case, but it hurts me that my presence hurts her. Just by being me, just for being who I am, just for having been through what I have been through, I hurt her to the extent where her looking at me causes her pain. I don't want to hurt her but I have no where else to go and I know that living on my own right now would be bad for me as I fear I would become reclusive and fester in my PTSD.

Has anyone else found that their presence hurts others or made them feel uneasy, because they know what you've been through? Is it a possibility this all just PTSD speaking, I swear I'm not imagining it, I see it and it has been seen by others too, just suddenly I feel it.

Has anyone else found that their presence after the knowledge of what they've been through has upset others or made them uneasy?

 

[aka]

Has anyone else found that their presence hurts others or made them feel uneasy, because they know what you've been through? Is it a possibility this all just PTSD speaking, I swear I'm not imagining it, I see it and it has been seen by others too, just suddenly I feel it.

I understand how you feel Kas_Can_Fly. My parents see me struggle everyday and I know it makes them feel guilty for not protecting me. When the symptoms get really bad I find that they become emotional distant sometimes. I guess they are blaming themselves for my struggle with PTSD but by doing this they hurt me more because I am really need emotional support from them.

It maybe that because my parents are the only emotional support that I ask too much of them. Or that the hurt I feel is heightened due to feelings from the past. All I can say Kas_can_Fly is that I don't have any answers for you but I can say I understand the hurt you feel.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah. This happened to me recently. I have a history of abuse with my own mum (who can, strangely enough, look me in the eye with no problem). But recently my PTSD showed up while I was in the car with her brother (so my uncle). My uncle has "known" me since I was a small baby, held me back then, made me laugh when I was growing up, and is "there for me" generally, up until this incident.

We were at his house and I was tired because I hadn't slept well. We had to drive somewhere in the car, and he did something that triggered me so I went into panic mode. I made an enormous effort to appear normal but I had cold sweat in my hands and it was obvious that I was not at all comfortable with him being around. He felt personally insulted by my behavior. Later I mailed him the explanation for this. I mailed him about how his sister used to treat me far worse than he probably imagines. He is completely avoiding the topic now, doesn't want to communicate about it.

I think it makes him feel uneasy because he loves his sister and doesn't want to acknowledge that she did this to me, and he loves me too and doesn't want to accept what his sister did to me. It's too bad your mother feels that way, I can imagine you feel rejected. But after all you are her child and for her to face that she was not able to protect you (even if there was no way she could have) must be hard on her. You know, my dad also estranged from me when he found out what my mother had been doing to me (he sais he had no idea). But we're okay now (even though we don't live togheter). Maybe you could tell your mother what you just wrote down here...

 

[Leah123]

Kas, I am SO sorry your mother isn't there for you in the way you need. My mom wasn't either, and it pains me to this day, much more now that I am a mother and see just how much my daughter needs me, and when I know in my soul I would do anything and everything for her. I'm not sure what else to say, but that I'm thinking of you, sending you my very best wishes, and hoping for healing and strength for you. There is a lot of love in the world, and I hope it pours into your life SOON.

 

[safenow]

Kas, my heart goes out to you. I so understand. I hope if you just give her time, she will come back to being comfortable around you again.

I have a dear friend, who tends to shy away from me, since she learned of what I had to experience. She doesn't know what to say, and I'm sure that is why she doesn't come over often. I try to make lite conversation, but it hasn't helped so far. I don't talk about my former life much because it does that to people. They can't understand most of it, so some stopped talking to me altogether. Others, well, lets just say, they thought I had made it up just to get attention. Which made me angry. Who would make up such horrible stuff? I don't want attention because of past abuse. I'd like it for the good stuff I'm doing now. You know what I mean?

Anyway, I hope you know you are not alone. Because here, we all get it.

safenow.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thank you every one who replied to this and sorry I didn't reply sooner, I just didn't feel up to it. My main problem is not that my Mum is not supportive when I'm struggling, that is when a basic instinct kicks in and she then helps me the exact amount I need to no longer be struggling as much. It's actually when I'm slightly more normal (for me), that she pushes me away but its not that obvious, it's just a genuine discomfort of having me around, as if I'm a constant reminder of what happened to me - which I should imagine I am. But it does hurt.

Thanks again for letting me know I'm not the only one, not that I thought that I was. In the mean time I will be forgiving to her as I know that the real reason is because she's struggling with all of this and she's hurt and damaged too and after talking to her broadly in unspecific terms today, she thinks that getting me help is more important that getting her help and for that I'm grateful, but she needs it too. I just don't think she realises how much she distances herself from me. Today I invited myself out with her and she was surprised that I didn't just want to lock myself away. So maybe I am at fault too. Anyway, thanks.xx

 

[Luke]

When I was 20 I told someone bits & pieces of what happened to me. I have only told one person (except for vague allusions at times that I've let slip over the years) an extensive explanation of what happened to me ever since. I did not disclose in full vivid detail, but I think she can sort of fill most of the blanks. It's such a difficult thing to divulge &/or do.

It seems so simple at the time, especially to the person asking. They think, "This is someone I'm close to. I want to know everything about him. Why wouldn't I want to know his past? Why would he be so reticent, & so elusive about discussing it with me? Why wouldn't he want to tell me?" It went fine, at the time. I did not mind answering her questions, however nebulous I became.

However, it's not so simple. It opens up the floodgates of recollections & such... & because this person is an attractive female it's even more awkward somehow. I honestly felt/feel somewhat emasculated.

It changes everything... & nothing. She says comforting things about it, & has been very kind & considerate both before & since... but it does change something. Then again, I realize a lot of the apprehensions I have, are simply in my mind. Sigh... I realize that when I think of these things that happened to me... I feel (trite but true) "damaged", "un-loveable", "scarred", &/or somehow soiled or sullied. Revealing elements of my past served to explain some of my evasive behaviors, & for that elucidation I think she was a bit grateful, in my mind, I feel as tho she should now see me as all of those negative & repugnant descriptors... & not as she saw me before. I feel as tho I deserve to be seen as repugnant.

However, in spite of all that, she is still very excited & happy to see me when we can meet. It is infrequent these days, as we live very far apart. When I don't or can't block it out entirely, I feel like a basket case (at times), regarding this situation. This is because part of me vehemently wants to avoid her. Yet, the other facet of my intellect knows how important it is for me to get past it, & simply be entirely comfortable with this person again. There is an odd dynamic where we have always made each other nervous then, in a short amount of time, extremely relaxed. Nearly serene & sanguine, to be honest. Then there is the hope vs. fear that she will decide to eliminate me from her life, before I can (preemptively).

It's actually when I'm slightly more normal (for me), that she pushes me away but its not that obvious, it's just a genuine discomfort of having me around, as if I'm a constant reminder of what happened to me - which I should imagine I am. But it does hurt.

You're not the only one. It can be difficult for me to discern when I'm "pushing" &/or when someone simply isn't "pulling"... or any of that stuff. I DO feel some people will tend to distance themselves from you after such revelations. Some people will find it too unnerving, too usurping of their idea or image of you after you explain the origins & effects of your PTSD. It does drastically change their perception of both you, & possibly of themselves (in relation to you). How could it not?!

I still vacillate on whether I did the right thing in divulging some of my secrets to this person. I ask myself why I did it. If it was the right thing to do. Or, how can I ever make up for it. I feel responsible for it. It's as if it's a latent monster the two of us now share, in some inexplicable joint custody arrangement of sorts. We certainly don't have to talk about it when we meet, but I feel like it's always sitting between us.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, exactly Luke. And in leaving one re-takes sole-custody of the monster.

 

[Tinyflame]

It came to me, maybe this can be 'standing in the way of our own light'. We have to heal, your mom Kas needs to also. And we come with (all) having suffered different thngs in such different ways. And carry a mixed bag (many or most of us) of such shame, and such. Much too as we want to heal I have yet to see anyone here speak without also a great fear or respect or concern of how it could impact on others.

But maybe it is a process of healing. Messy, horribly difficult, uncomfortable, fearful. But maybe we hold a say by our behaviour and risk on whether it can lead to healing, vs running. If nothing else it is brutally honest. Maybe good can come out of the truth, and trying to not reject ourselves or others even if it's more difficult than giving up. That we have say in a sense of what kind of 'story' we write, (and) leave behind.

If that makes any sense?