Husband Doesn't Get The Sensitivity To Certain Things

[Overcoming]

There are movies/books/shows of certain content that I just can't handle. Usually they are sexual in nature with a theme of force, abuse, or trafficking or even a torture scene whether sexual or not. Because of my history of sexual abuse, I just can't handle it. It reminds me of when I wasn't in control. When I mention that it bothers me and I need to look away, turn it off, or whatever, he replies that scenes like that are supposed to be bothersome, because they are not okay. How is he not picking up on what I'm saying? He's fully aware and knows that it's the focus of my therapy at this point.

 

[Silver.]

I call my s/o thickhead, because you pretty much have to spell out everything (and sometimes in more than one way) to get him to understand something. What if you word it to him differently. Instead of saying it bothers you, explain how it relates to your trauma and why it bothers you enough that you have to turn away. As in "I cannot handle watching/hearing x,y,z because it reminds me of a,b,c and I cannot handle having to think about it (or such)"

Aside, but related, this explanation of PTSD and stress is so insanely helpful in explaining PTSD to anyone we deal with (even ourselves really), it's worth reading:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

He doesn't understand that there's "normal people uncomfortable" (which is actually falsely being labeled as "triggering" but I digress), and PTSD true triggering.

I guess I and many others must be truly deranged because rape/abuse scenes don't bother us.

 

[Suzetig]

When you say he doesn't get it, what do you mean? Is he forcing you to watch, mocking you because you don't sit through those kinds of scenes or some such? What response do you want from him that you're not getting? Knowing that will help you work out how to communicate your needs better.

I think folk without PTSD don't get how uncomfortable some stuff can be - thankfully, but I also think folk with PTSD don't get the level of discomfort they feel isn't always PTSD related. Some things are just deeply uncomfortable and can change over time. For example, there's a genre of books I used to love reading that I just don't enjoy anymore because some of it sits too close to old trauma that I'm dealing with just now. It's not triggering, I just can't read in the way I once did.

It doesn't sound like the things you describe triggering you - as in bringing on flashbacks, dissociation, panic etc and you seem able to take yourself away from it if need be. What's missing?

 

[Thizette]

Instead of saying it bothers you, explain how it relates to your trauma and why it bothers you enough that you have to turn away.

Absolutely explain every detail of the connection. There's disturbing content and then there are things that specifically trigger us and lead to PTSD-related behaviors. Clearly stating the difference has the potential to help a lot.

there's "normal people uncomfortable" (which is actually falsely being labeled as "triggering" but I digress), and PTSD true triggering.

I, too, am annoyed by the overuse of the word "trigger". I think it muddies the waters when we're trying to get people to understand and relate to our experiences. I try to remember that lots of disorders and feelings can be triggered, though, and let it go. Problem is, now I don't like using the word to describe being triggered, because I feel it doesn't convey the severity of what's happening due to overuse.

I think folk without PTSD don't get how uncomfortable some stuff can be - thankfully, but I also think folk with PTSD don't get the level of discomfort they feel isn't always PTSD related.

Many of us are capable of understanding and recognizing the difference. I think we just don't like to be uncomfortable any more than we already are. I've watched movies that made me uncomfortable to the point of feeling physically sick, and movies that triggered my PTSD and I had to turn off. I agree that it can be difficult at times to distinguish the difference, but we can.

When I mention that it bothers me and I need to look away, turn it off, or whatever, he replies that scenes like that are supposed to be bothersome, because they are not okay.

Finally, remember you aren't dependent on him to remove those triggers. After explaining that you don't want to watch or listen to something that triggers you, if he doesn't turn it off, leave the room. Be clear about what you're doing and why. Tell him that you don't want to watch it, but if he'd like to finish the movie/whatever, that you're going to go do something else. Then go do something else and don't be mad about it. And if he gets mad about it, that's his problem.

 

[Bowierocks]

I am a survivor of CSA and violence and really the trauma just 'hit ' a year ago . I am 48 and it happened from 2-13 . . Being triggered to me is like being in an altered demension or to someone who does have ptsd like a bad drug trip . That seems to convey the level of fear that wells up inside of me . . My wife is normal and so can't really appreciate the magnitude of how things effect me . She is very pragmatic and so when I vent she quickly gives me a solution which almost invalidates the whole feeling as I feel she is not listening . Or she says a phrase that my psychiatrist uses - ' stay in the here and now ' .It drives me nuts as it almost denies my reality which is my memory and perception of things . . She also says 'get over it ','talk to someone else ' or ' I have heard this '. I love my wife but it crushed me to hear those things as it made me feel all alone . But I had to practice acceptance as she can't know what it's like as she hasn't been through it . Just as I really don't know the pain of childbirth or what it's like to be pregnant although I was there for the birth of all three kids . I had lots of sympathy pain but of course that doesn't count . So our relationship has gotten better when I accepted what seems to be insensitive is actually just an emotional ignorance .However it doesn't make her an insensitive person ... That being said ,I can see how your boyfriends words are horribly triggering . It like saying stop complaining or invalidating the magnitude of what you have been through . . I know my wife does avoid any movie that has sexual abuse in it for my sake ,so I realize our situations are different . However ,having my own private hell does make me feel all alone and to some degree I wish she would be more gracious and willing to at least read about the effects of ptsd . Sorry if you feel alone . I am here for you .

 

[J'qel]

My husband recently did something that I had specifically asked him not to. We had to have a long talk about it, where I told him that while I had been somewhat flippant about why I disliked certain things, the truth was, they were triggering for me, and that's not something I'm comfortable saying aloud among some of the people we know. So I spelled out why it was a problem and what it did to me when I experienced it and how I felt about it.

It was worse because he didn't warn me ahead of time, and I found out after the fact. It's hard because now I'm struggling with issues because of the events surrounding it and I'm feeling pretty betrayed, even though I know he may not have realized it, I still *did* specifically state that I wanted nothing to do with such things (yes I'm being deliberately vague, I'm still having issues).

I'm thinking that I'm going to need to spell it all out-I can't do it now, because going through and listing my triggers while my defenses are down could drown me in the feelings that surround them. I just feel like what I've told him should have been enough and he should have recognized and respected it.

Sometimes they can be pretty thick. Sometimes they have boundary issues. Sometimes they have problems of their own that block their ability to recognize or evaluate properly.

I've used some of the suggestions I've gotten from therapists in the past with him, telling him to step back and think first, to take the time and reflect before he acts or does something. I'm hoping it will help.

We're working through it..slowly, but hopefully things will get better soon.

 

[Overcoming]

My husband recently did something that I had specifically asked him not to. We had to have a long talk ab...

I appreciate everyone's feedback. It has been a journey, but I'm learning to communicate more openly and candidly with my husband. He is a loving and compassionate man, and seeks to be supportive. I'm sharing my triggers with him and continuing to work in therapy and take medication. Shame has a difficult barrier for me. I'm thankful for his patience in this process.

 

[Thizette]

I appreciate everyone's feedback. It has been a journey, but I'm learning to communicate more openly and...

What a wonderful update to this thread!