Husband/i Both Cptsd, He May Be Worse Than I Thought...

[UniqueSunflower]

I just got out of a relationship with a very passive aggressive partner who I've suspected is struggling with cptsd. I'm also diagnosed and we've discussed my being in a different stage of recovery although our symptoms along with his manipulative tendencies began clashing more often than not. After three occasions in a short period of time where I felt I was being "gas-lighted" I terminated the relationship. We only dated for a few months though it was a roller coaster to say the least. The most hurtful thing was to hear him project so many nasty comments toward me, going into denial and becoming defensive when angry or when he felt like he was losing control. I tried as hard as I could to not be reactive when his temper would flair though after awhile, I'd need to walk away in order to prevent from responding in a way that could make things worse. Since having ended this relationship, he's continued to try to pursue me and isn't honoring boundaries I've tried to establish. He's acknowledged he needs to do though he's stated he's not ready to get back into treatment. At this point, I wouldn't be able to trust getting back together without it and I feel my only option is to move on. I feel disheartened at the outcome yet grateful I didn't get further involved. I feel like my relationships are doomed to always be like this and it stinks.

 

[cupfish]

This is incredibly helpful. I have been researching and applying tools to reframe my own reactions to his passive-aggressive strategies. I fgure a "golden rule" approach is a good idea. First one is to stand in my place, calm/assertive not angry/aggressive. 2nd, keep my sense of humor, stay elevated. 3rd, choose words carefully, don't go on and on and on 4th, be willing to walk away before the entanglement and reapproach later starting at step 1...what do you think?

 

[UniqueSunflower]

This sounds like a really good approach, I like it. The problem I've faced is having the energy to always be on guard when the passive aggressive responses occur. It feels so unpredictable and I began feeling like I was constantly walking on egg shells and couldn't express myself openly in an attempt to avoid flair-ups. This may be related to my own avoidance of conflict. I've experienced other relationships with this passive aggressive component though this latest person I was dating seemed to have a high conflict type personality which may have intensified things.

 

[cupfish]

The problem I've faced is having the energy to always be on guard when the passive aggressive responses occur.

Sunflower I get it. Exhausting to constantly monitor. I am finding it is far less exhausting to expect P/A responses as the norm, thus enjoying like hell the times when he responds in a balanced fashion. He's "on" to me. Talking about how he is lonely and things have changed. No you're not and yes they have.