Husband With Ptsd

[Elroy]

I am reaching out to the PTSD community because I am not sure what to do anymore. My husband recently told me he wants a divorce, that he just needs to be alone, that he doesn't feel love at all and cant continue with us. He has both PTSD and bipolar and this last episode was the worst ive ever seen. hearing the person who vowed for better or worse tell you they think you are ugly inside and out, saying they never loved you and your whole marriage has been a lie, PTSD or not is extremely hurtful.

After calming down he explained to me the pain he is in with his symptoms. About how he cant concentrate, sleep, he feels stupid because he cant remember things he has to do every single day. how he wakes up angry enough to destroy things or hurt people, and how his life is in fast forward and hes always behind.

I've known he had problems for awhile but he has suffered silently recently because I had my own issues with depression and I feel as though I failed him. even though at that time i needed for him to step up, I had always been that solace and he crashed and now he wants to walk away from our marriage. I dont know how to not be selfish and say why are you walking away from me, in the same instant not knowing the world he lives in every day is unstable. Sometimes I wonder which set of words are true, whether the "I do" or I hate you are the true feelings of the man I stand beside. Im lost...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I am sorry this is happening to you. Is he in therapy? He needs to be in sessions and mabe even some medication. Please go to the supporters sections in the forums where there are alot of good people who know how it feels to be going through what you are going through. I have ptsd and have never done that to my husband . We went to marriage counseling and it helped so much. I wish you the best. Hang on and do not give up. The supporters will be able to help you out with their wisdom from experience. Good luck.

 

[discarded]

Hi Elroy, welcome. I am a new member also. I am in a very similar situation. However my husband is so down he didn't have it in him to leave. So I did. 7 weeks ago.

I too, don't know what to believe, I don't know what is truth and what is the PTSD. I cling to the hope that it is the PTSD and that although we may never get back together, that our marriage was not a lie for him.

I too suffer depression and find it hard to cope with the awful comments. Unfortunately in my situation I became angry and said a lot of things that I shouldn't have given his PTSD, things he won't let go of and I can't take back. He has no understanding or concern for my depression as he is dealing with so much himself.

I really wish I had found this forum sooner as I may not have made so many mistakes. My advice to you is take care of yourself and your own depression so that you are better equipped to deal with his PTSD. I wish I had not taken things so personally and believe me I know how hard it is not to.

Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done and I am not sure that it was the right thing to do. All I know is we could not continue on the path we were headed, it would have destroyed us both. He refused marriage counselling or counselling of any sort, so I am hoping in time he will get help for himself now that I am not there suggesting he do just that.

 

[Elroy]

Thank you for the replies. Before this huge blow up I was thinking about leaving because i couldnt handle coming home to someone who told me how awful and pathetic I was daily, unprovoked and the next acting like I should want to be near him. But I am one of those that doesnt let go easily. I feel like if i could just love him more he would not hurt so much or strike so often.

I feel like I might not have a choice this time in our marriage ending, as he still hasnt put back on his ring and still speaks of leaving, even though he sleeps in our bed and converses on a normal level. He even put this thing up on facebook about how to love your hurting soldier through PTSD, after be blocked me, and then asked me if i had seen that. To me that is a cry for help, with the added childish antics of controlling and degrading me.

At some point his problems became mine and it affects the person I see in the mirror and i think every day him leaving might be a blessing, that I can love myself and not believe the nasty things he says to me, but in the same thought I equate his PTSD with a serious injury. If i were paralyzed would I want him to leave because thats not who i was when i met him, or would i expect him to stay. Damn straight I would expect him to stay and uphold the "for worse" part of our vows. But dammit, how much does a girl have to take, and when if ever does it get better? hes on meds but he says they dont work and he is going back for different ones, and has recently started the third attempt at therapy. Hes so angry that he feels like no one else could help bc they just went to school to be a psychologist, theyve never seen ppl die like he has. I totally get that, but I am also a psychologist and I understand an outside perspective. As this professional you would think I could deal with this in my own marraige, but I cant and dont know how.

I applaud you for having that strength to leave an emotionally abusive situation, even if he is hurting himself. You are right in saying they cant love us completely until they are whole first, and i have to accept I will be number two until he can learn to cope better, or I need to leave (possibly accept his leaving) myself.

 

[discarded]

I too don't let go easily and find some things hard to forgive. I understand how you feel about your wedding vows and just because he is ill you feel you must honour them. But he is not honouring his vows by not showing you respect. I left not just for me but for our daughter who was struggling seeing her parents in this situation. I left for him too as he thinks he will be happier without us around. I love the man I married but I don't know the man he is now and I am worn out from trying to help him and get to know him again. I miss him terribly and worry about him and how is coping. Hang in there, I think you will know when enough is enough.

 

[TeaLeaf]

I strongly encourage you to try and convince your husband to attend marriage counseling sessions and also to continue with therapy on his own. He trusts you, he feels awful and pathetic and so he hurls those terrible things onto you because he can't deal with how he feels about himself. I would not take what he is saying now to be the truth of how he feels about you or how he has felt about your relationship.

At this point, it sounds like he has lost all hope of things getting better because he is in a horrible place now. Maybe even taking a break from deciding what to do, limiting your contact with him when he is throwing insults at you would give you some clarity and space. It sounds like he does not have the right help and meds now but it is possible for him to get better if he keeps trying therapy either with this therapist or another, maybe a therapist who is also a vet?

I wish you and your husband the best.

 

[nimkekaa]

I don't know if either of you have tried therapy but that would be a good place to start if you want to salvage your marriage. He definately needs therapy and marriage therapy could save your marrige. That said......

i couldnt handle coming home to someone who told me how awful and pathetic I was daily, unprovoked

verbal abuse as quoted above is abuse wether the person saying it has problems or not.

My hubby and I have been married for 20 years and been through a lot together but we have never abused each other. Now we have said things we regret but at a very heated moment and not on a regular basis. If this is a regular occurance then you need to take care of yourself first.

I can't speak for your husband but I do understand the not feeling loved and the wanting to be alone. I use to runaway (sort of - for a few hours) when I got to the point that I wanted to say things or do things that might hurt my family or myself. He has choices even though he has PTSD. Maybe he doesn't like the way he is treating you either but doesn't know how to fix it. The thing is, only HE can fix it. So if he isn't going to therapy he could try that. He has to be making an effort to change things and want to change things (if he doesn't see how he's hurting you and doesn't want to change then he wont) or you have to do what you need to do to take care of yourself first.

This is just my opinion and I am not trying to tell you what to do but you don't deserve the verbal abuse no matter what.

I could hide behind my Complex PTSD also but in the end it doesn't do anyone any good.

I wish you well on your journey to figuring out how to help your husband while taking care of yourself.

 

[discarded]

My sufferer accused me of verbally abusing him on many occasions. In the beginning it was just raising my voice in an attempt to be heard or at least acknowledged. I was very ignorant about PTSD and took the advice of a medical professional whom I believed in, who advised to keep on pushing my sufferer to get help. I became increasingly frustrated with his denial of his PTSD and refusal to seek help. The more he withdrew from me the more I pushed and the angrier I became that he did not trust in me to believe I only wanted what I thought was best for him. Then one day it dawned on me that he had a point, I had become abusive and was only adding to his problems. I was ashamed of what I had become and tried in vain to explain to him. He wouldn't listen and I don't blame him. So I decided to leave him to sort out his PTSD as I certainly wasn't helping. Then I found this forum and learned a lot. I learned that I really new very little and that I had made so many mistakes. Unfortunately I feel it is too late to undo the wrong that I have done and the best I can do for now is leave him alone. This is so very hard after 28 years together but staying would have destroyed us both. I pray every day for forgiveness and for him to get better.