FindingMyself88
Platinum Member
Ok so, I haven't seen my T in a month because she has been out for surgery. I have been seeing one of her friends and it was a nice change up. We didn't do any trauma work aside from me telling her about any issues I had throughout the week. We mostly worked on learning boundaries with my mom and watching for signs of codependency.
I see my T again on Tuesday. In a way I am glad because this month has been INCREDIBLY difficult. My PTSD has flared back up and I have had several melt downs and am just totally discouraged. It is so hard going in public without Bristol, but she just isn't cut out for service dog work in public. My hypervigilence has been THROUGH THE ROOF! It was increasing before she left.
This is where I am anxious. Before she left, I started having some old triggers come back. I cannot take Bristol out for her nighttime potty break anymore. My step dad has too or at least has to go with me which he then makes comments about. As a child, my real dad and his wife thought it was perfectly fine to leave me and her grandkids (she was WAYYYY older than dad) outside alone at night in a not so great neighborhood. So occasionally, especially when we move somewhere new which we did shortly after she went on surgery leave, it gets really bad. I fell multiple times at the old apartment trying to run up the stairs. I also feel like there are some things I am repressing about those memories... it doesn't feel complete..
I try telling myself that no one is going to mess with me when Bristol is with me. She looks like she is part pit bull and I know she would protect me if needed. But its like my brain goes into flight mode and takes over my body! Heart pounding, shaking, adrenaline, and the most intense irrational fear. I told my T this before she left and she asked me to do a little exposure therapy for myself. She asked me to take Bristol out at night, count to 4 after she pees and then run in. Then the next night do 6 seconds.... I haven't gotten past 2 seconds! So I am afraid she is going to be disappointed in me. She also mentioned doing some EMDR on this if we need to, but I don't know if it will work. I am not in a flashback. I KNOW where I am and that I am not a little girl when this happens, but I cannot do it.
Since she left on leave, it has gotten even worse. My mom was late getting off work one night and my stepdad works nights so I was at home for 3 hours. I thought I was going to die- either by someone killing me, a heart attack, or me killing myself. My hyper vigilance was THAT bad. I maxed out on both my anxiety meds and took one of my old ones- still didn't help. multiple panic attacks. I called my mom hyperventilating and she stayed on the phone while I walked through the house with Bristol to make sure no one was there and the doors were locked. Our small dog, Callie, barks at the wind which doesn't help because then Bristol barks.
I have a hard time admitting this because I feel like I am going crazy. But when I get like this, I "see" things. Not as in a full on hallucination, but like blurs that cause me to freak out. Like, I have a phobia of roaches- full on panic. If I see a real one, for like 3 weeks after I jump and freak if I see a brown spot out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes its a piece of fuzz, sometimes its nothing! I get the creepy feeling of things crawling on me, the whole nine yards. The night I was alone- I kept thinking I saw shadows out of the corner of my eyes. Then our dang hamster didn't help. Its cage is on the wall outside my bedroom and anytime it would make a noise, I freaked. I have not slept good in the past month or so. Not due to nightmares, but just can't sleep.
I also had my worst meltdown in public in a LONG time. Probably since before I got Bristol- not sure. But it was bad. Me and my mom were at Sam's and a forklift went behind the aisle we were in and honked its horn. I knew he was there, but before I knew it I was in complete panic and hiding with my back up against the shelf and the buggy pulled in front of me while I was in full attack and hyperventilating. I need a service dog so dang bad. I try to "imagine" Bristol is with me and it helps me get in the door, but once something like that happens I loose it!
I am trying to get a job at a pet store, but no luck so far. I need to start saving money so I can get a puppy from the breeder I am looking at. But I am afraid if I do get a job, I won't be able to manage even with medications on board.
So while I know something needs to be done because I cannot keep going like this or it will put me in crisis again- I am nervous bringing all of this up to my T when I see her Tuesday. One reason being the disappointment, but also I don't feel like an hour is gonna be enough time. Plus before she left we had went to seeing each other only every 2 weeks and I don't think that is going to work right now. I also don't know if EMDR is the answer and it was so hard last time I don't know if I can do it again.
I just want this to end. Now.
I see my T again on Tuesday. In a way I am glad because this month has been INCREDIBLY difficult. My PTSD has flared back up and I have had several melt downs and am just totally discouraged. It is so hard going in public without Bristol, but she just isn't cut out for service dog work in public. My hypervigilence has been THROUGH THE ROOF! It was increasing before she left.
This is where I am anxious. Before she left, I started having some old triggers come back. I cannot take Bristol out for her nighttime potty break anymore. My step dad has too or at least has to go with me which he then makes comments about. As a child, my real dad and his wife thought it was perfectly fine to leave me and her grandkids (she was WAYYYY older than dad) outside alone at night in a not so great neighborhood. So occasionally, especially when we move somewhere new which we did shortly after she went on surgery leave, it gets really bad. I fell multiple times at the old apartment trying to run up the stairs. I also feel like there are some things I am repressing about those memories... it doesn't feel complete..
I try telling myself that no one is going to mess with me when Bristol is with me. She looks like she is part pit bull and I know she would protect me if needed. But its like my brain goes into flight mode and takes over my body! Heart pounding, shaking, adrenaline, and the most intense irrational fear. I told my T this before she left and she asked me to do a little exposure therapy for myself. She asked me to take Bristol out at night, count to 4 after she pees and then run in. Then the next night do 6 seconds.... I haven't gotten past 2 seconds! So I am afraid she is going to be disappointed in me. She also mentioned doing some EMDR on this if we need to, but I don't know if it will work. I am not in a flashback. I KNOW where I am and that I am not a little girl when this happens, but I cannot do it.
Since she left on leave, it has gotten even worse. My mom was late getting off work one night and my stepdad works nights so I was at home for 3 hours. I thought I was going to die- either by someone killing me, a heart attack, or me killing myself. My hyper vigilance was THAT bad. I maxed out on both my anxiety meds and took one of my old ones- still didn't help. multiple panic attacks. I called my mom hyperventilating and she stayed on the phone while I walked through the house with Bristol to make sure no one was there and the doors were locked. Our small dog, Callie, barks at the wind which doesn't help because then Bristol barks.
I have a hard time admitting this because I feel like I am going crazy. But when I get like this, I "see" things. Not as in a full on hallucination, but like blurs that cause me to freak out. Like, I have a phobia of roaches- full on panic. If I see a real one, for like 3 weeks after I jump and freak if I see a brown spot out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes its a piece of fuzz, sometimes its nothing! I get the creepy feeling of things crawling on me, the whole nine yards. The night I was alone- I kept thinking I saw shadows out of the corner of my eyes. Then our dang hamster didn't help. Its cage is on the wall outside my bedroom and anytime it would make a noise, I freaked. I have not slept good in the past month or so. Not due to nightmares, but just can't sleep.
I also had my worst meltdown in public in a LONG time. Probably since before I got Bristol- not sure. But it was bad. Me and my mom were at Sam's and a forklift went behind the aisle we were in and honked its horn. I knew he was there, but before I knew it I was in complete panic and hiding with my back up against the shelf and the buggy pulled in front of me while I was in full attack and hyperventilating. I need a service dog so dang bad. I try to "imagine" Bristol is with me and it helps me get in the door, but once something like that happens I loose it!
I am trying to get a job at a pet store, but no luck so far. I need to start saving money so I can get a puppy from the breeder I am looking at. But I am afraid if I do get a job, I won't be able to manage even with medications on board.
So while I know something needs to be done because I cannot keep going like this or it will put me in crisis again- I am nervous bringing all of this up to my T when I see her Tuesday. One reason being the disappointment, but also I don't feel like an hour is gonna be enough time. Plus before she left we had went to seeing each other only every 2 weeks and I don't think that is going to work right now. I also don't know if EMDR is the answer and it was so hard last time I don't know if I can do it again.
I just want this to end. Now.
