Dom Violence I’m a domestic abuse survivor who's now extremely nervous around guys I’m attracted to

[hope4us]

is this normal for girls who have been abused by past boyfriends? i get so anxious around guys that im too nervous to even flirt with them. anyone else have the same problem? i wasn't near this bad before the abuse.

 

[somerandomguy]

This is pretty standard for anyone with a history of sexual abuse. I'm a male, and I sometimes get very anxious around attractive women. I haven't been triggered recently, but it used to happen frequently.

 

[cbgrace1980]

It is very normal. The only way I learned my self confidence and was through a personal counselor who helped me realize what was true and what was not true about myself. I gained a lot of confidence!

 

[Sighs]

I found this too.
When I started dating again I went the therapy weekly and discussed all my interactions with the men with my therapist. I was worried I wouldn’t see red flags and also worried I would see red flags that weren’t there. Working with my therapist helped me change my expectation and my understanding. I’m now in a committed relationship with a wonderful man.

 

[AnnieMae]

I found this too.
When I started dating again I went the therapy weekly and discussed all my interactions with the men with my therapist. I was worried I wouldn’t see red flags and also worried I would see red flags that weren’t there. Working with my therapist helped me change my expectation and my understanding. I’m now in a committed relationship with a wonderful man.

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I don’t know what is true and what is not. It’s so difficult. I’m pretty sure I know though. Because I am looking for what I had in the past, but I am not who I think I am. Not anymore anyway.

 

[Anij34]

Yes, it is normal and it will take awhile to heal from this. Being "gun-shy" around guys is to be expected. I was exactly the same way and allowed myself to enter into short term relationships with awful men because I didn't feel I was worthy of waiting for the respectful and honorable men. Its almost like self-harm....I allowed myself to be abused further by men.

That being said, the wonderful part is that you can heal from this. Give yourself extra time and care to wait for the honorable men to come forward. You are so worth waiting for. Especially a healed and whole woman. That is a gift for honorable men and a gift for yourself. Many prayers over you for healing.

In the meantime have you seen a therapist to continue working toward your healing?

 

[librasoul]

I definitely think this is normal. Anxiety (probably?) played a huge part in the abuse so it would make sense for that to carry over. Personally, I find myself completely avoiding men altogether. When one tries to hit on me, I immediately shut him down because I assume he has bad intentions. I do hope we both can find ways to feel comfortable and relaxed around men in the future.

 

[AnnieMae]

Yes, it is normal and it will take awhile to heal from this. Being "gun-shy" around guys is to be expected. I was exactly the same way and allowed myself to enter into short term relationships with awful men because I didn't feel I was worthy of waiting for the respectful and honorable men. Its almost like self-harm....I allowed myself to be abused further by men.

That being said, the wonderful part is that you can heal from this. Give yourself extra time and care to wait for the honorable men to come forward. You are so worth waiting for. Especially a healed and whole woman. That is a gift for honorable men and a gift for yourself. Many prayers over you for healing.

In the meantime have you seen a therapist to continue working toward your healing?

Yes, and the thing is that I am being told my life will never be the same. Ugh! I can’t take this anymore....it’s just constant disappointment after disappointment

 

[Friday]

Yes, and the thing is that I am being told my life will never be the same. Ugh! I can’t take this anymore....it’s just constant disappointment after disappointment

One of the quirky things about trauma?

The “time machine” aspect.

In virtually no other area of life does ANYONE think their life ever could be “the same”. There’s an acceptance that growing up and living life is a linear process. You’re not going to be the same as you were before going to school, getting a job, falling in love, getting married, having kids, after your parents die, etc.

Yet, with trauma? People seem to almost universally come to the opinion that they can go back in time, and be the person they used to be, if... something.

It makes sense.

Flashbacks are literally re-living moments in time. Not remembering them. Being triggered is reacting/responding to something in the present AS IF it’s something in the past. A lot of things seem to have been frozen in time, as if we’re existing, simultaneously, both in the past and in the present.

For most people with PTSD? Time stopped being linear, a long time ago.

So it makes sense that it FEELS RIGHT that I could be the person I used to be. But emotions? Don’t logic so hot. Even if I’m experiencing time in a non-linear fashion, it doesn’t follow that I can actually travel through time, and just erase 5-10-15-25-50 years. No one can. Even wanting to? From personal experience/observation seems to be as much a symptom as anything else. (Lots of people want to go back in time and change decisions, or save someone they love, but if you run across someone who wants to go back in time to BE the person they used to? $1 will get you $500 that person has a trauma history!)

Linear-Time people seem to innately understand that if they want to change who their are, and how they live their lives? That happens now & in the future. The become who they want to be in the future, by working on who they want to be, now.

People with PTSD? Tend to think the only way to do that, is in their past. Be now, who they used to be.

Like I said, quirky, right?

You CAN become who you want to be. But not by being who you used to be.