Wastinglight
Platinum Member
This post isn't about PTSD, it's about me and my condition.
I imagine this is going to sound a bit nutty, but this is a big step forward for me. I wanted to post this on the forum so there’s less chance that I will forget what I need to do the next time my anxiety tries to assert control over me again.
Background: Two years ago I ended a long term relationship (~15 years) with a guy who cheated, lied, manipulated me, lived a parasitic lifestyle off me, enjoyed making me jealous by flirting with and hanging out (read: cheating on me) with other women, despite my obvious distress. I strongly suspect narcissistic/antisocial? personality disorders (my therapist agrees that he might well be but still, I guess it’s an armchair diagnosis), and he appears to be a pathological liar. I have generalised anxiety (severe at times), panic disorder, social anxiety. Always had these conditions, but living with my ex made it much much worse.
Today: almost 5 months into a relationship with an honest, trustworthy, gentle, caring, sensitive guy, who has PTSD but has made very significant progress over the past few years.
Problem: Despite the fact that I absolutely trust my guy, I experience a massive spike in anxiety almost every time he speaks to, or mentions another (usually single) woman. Well, actually, it’s more accurate to say that every time I’m in a situation that even remotely reminds me of the pain, humiliation and fear that I experienced in my last relationship, my brain goes into meltdown. I feel incredibly panicked and I have to fight the urge to start crying, screaming horrible things at him, throwing things, ending the relationship then and there, and just basically self-destructing. I’ve managed to not do any of these things in front of him so far, but there’s been a few times I’ve had to remove myself from his presence in order to prevent it. I have mentioned to him that I struggle with jealousy because of what’s happened in the past, and he tries hard to be supportive (I don’t know if he quite understands though). I’ve been terrified of losing him because of my crazy anxiety.
He’s a very caring, empathic person, who likes to help people out. He also gets very excited when talking to people about topics that interest him. This is true for both men and women, and he doesn’t even flirt, so I know that this is all about me and my baggage from the past, and I don’t want him to stop being himself because of me.
Last night he mentioned that he’d done a favour for a mutual (female) friend of ours, after a request from another of our friends. I somehow managed to reply with just an “Oh”, but then spent the drive home crying my eyes out and wondering if I should end the relationship (because I couldn't handle my feelings). Yes really. Talk about an irrational response. Totally embarrassing to admit this, but there it is.
This morning I gave myself a serious talking to. I attacked my anxiety with logic, and pointed out to myself that one of the reasons he liked me in the first place is because I’m a happy, bubbly, friendly, giving, caring, considerate person. When I am struggling with jealousy and anxiety, I am none of these things. I turn into an ugly person and I know that I don’t ever want him to meet that ugly alter ego of mine. Do I really want this bullsh*t condition of mine to win? Do I want to ruin a perfectly good relationship over something so inconsequential?
Also, my guy has so many wonderful qualities – am I really going to twist them into something horrible, and end up hating him for them?
Further to that, he gives me a very long leash where other men are concerned, so why can’t I do the same for him? He hasn’t made a peep about the fact that I meet up with a male friend twice a week to do a recreational sporting activity. Talk about a double standard. What if he started getting all up in arms about me spending time with other men? He doesn't even spend time alone with other women!
I got to the end of this conversation with myself and felt… well, a bit shaky, but otherwise totally okay. Just got to hold on to that feeling now and look forward with a happy and open heart. Right now I am very proud of myself for successfully putting the strategies that my therapist has been giving me into use at last.
For anyone who has managed to read the whole way through this post, my apologies, it was bit more longwinded than intended!
I imagine this is going to sound a bit nutty, but this is a big step forward for me. I wanted to post this on the forum so there’s less chance that I will forget what I need to do the next time my anxiety tries to assert control over me again.
Background: Two years ago I ended a long term relationship (~15 years) with a guy who cheated, lied, manipulated me, lived a parasitic lifestyle off me, enjoyed making me jealous by flirting with and hanging out (read: cheating on me) with other women, despite my obvious distress. I strongly suspect narcissistic/antisocial? personality disorders (my therapist agrees that he might well be but still, I guess it’s an armchair diagnosis), and he appears to be a pathological liar. I have generalised anxiety (severe at times), panic disorder, social anxiety. Always had these conditions, but living with my ex made it much much worse.
Today: almost 5 months into a relationship with an honest, trustworthy, gentle, caring, sensitive guy, who has PTSD but has made very significant progress over the past few years.
Problem: Despite the fact that I absolutely trust my guy, I experience a massive spike in anxiety almost every time he speaks to, or mentions another (usually single) woman. Well, actually, it’s more accurate to say that every time I’m in a situation that even remotely reminds me of the pain, humiliation and fear that I experienced in my last relationship, my brain goes into meltdown. I feel incredibly panicked and I have to fight the urge to start crying, screaming horrible things at him, throwing things, ending the relationship then and there, and just basically self-destructing. I’ve managed to not do any of these things in front of him so far, but there’s been a few times I’ve had to remove myself from his presence in order to prevent it. I have mentioned to him that I struggle with jealousy because of what’s happened in the past, and he tries hard to be supportive (I don’t know if he quite understands though). I’ve been terrified of losing him because of my crazy anxiety.
He’s a very caring, empathic person, who likes to help people out. He also gets very excited when talking to people about topics that interest him. This is true for both men and women, and he doesn’t even flirt, so I know that this is all about me and my baggage from the past, and I don’t want him to stop being himself because of me.
Last night he mentioned that he’d done a favour for a mutual (female) friend of ours, after a request from another of our friends. I somehow managed to reply with just an “Oh”, but then spent the drive home crying my eyes out and wondering if I should end the relationship (because I couldn't handle my feelings). Yes really. Talk about an irrational response. Totally embarrassing to admit this, but there it is.
This morning I gave myself a serious talking to. I attacked my anxiety with logic, and pointed out to myself that one of the reasons he liked me in the first place is because I’m a happy, bubbly, friendly, giving, caring, considerate person. When I am struggling with jealousy and anxiety, I am none of these things. I turn into an ugly person and I know that I don’t ever want him to meet that ugly alter ego of mine. Do I really want this bullsh*t condition of mine to win? Do I want to ruin a perfectly good relationship over something so inconsequential?
Also, my guy has so many wonderful qualities – am I really going to twist them into something horrible, and end up hating him for them?
Further to that, he gives me a very long leash where other men are concerned, so why can’t I do the same for him? He hasn’t made a peep about the fact that I meet up with a male friend twice a week to do a recreational sporting activity. Talk about a double standard. What if he started getting all up in arms about me spending time with other men? He doesn't even spend time alone with other women!
I got to the end of this conversation with myself and felt… well, a bit shaky, but otherwise totally okay. Just got to hold on to that feeling now and look forward with a happy and open heart. Right now I am very proud of myself for successfully putting the strategies that my therapist has been giving me into use at last.
For anyone who has managed to read the whole way through this post, my apologies, it was bit more longwinded than intended!
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