I’m sick and tired of being told what to do

[Cactus Bloom]

I tend to turn the box around, think outside of the box, jump on box until it’s flat, etc.

If medita...

Thanks for the advice and suggestions. You really do know what to do with that box! Things that I have done was coloring in coloring books, I made homemade cards, did scrapbooking, make many collages and had actually read fiction novels for the first time in my life. With each of those activities, I was all in 100% and none of those ever overlapped each other. I was so involved with each of those activities but then a day would come that I could no longer do it anymore.

Like with coloring, I would color all day long for the longest time then one day I couldn’t stand to even think about it. It felt wrong and just thinking about it makes me nauseous. With the card making, I loved doing that so much and was extremely creative. I did that for quite a long time. Maybe about a couple of years.Around November of last year I started losing my creativity and looked at making Christmas cards with dread. My Dad loved giving my cards to people and had made Christmas cards and felt I would be letting him down if I didn’t make the cards again. I bought supplies hoping that maybe that would give me the desire to make them but I couldn’t force myself to do it. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.

With all of these activities, it has caused the same reaction. Something will come along that I’ll be interested in doing so I’m in limbo until that comes along. You gave me many ideas so I’ll see what happens with that. I appreciate your comment:)

 

[mumstheword]

Each part will come forward when they feel the need to protect you, and they each have their own agenda, that's how it is for me anyway. I had no therapy for the longest time and creativity got me through. It seems like you have made lots of progress though, just coming and sharing here is huge. There's a lot of love and understanding here.

 

[Cactus Bloom]

I just want to add that I don’t understand time. I always think that so many things happened in the last couple of years so there’s always discrepancies in when I will make a comment about when I last saw a therapist or how many I have seen in the last couple of years. Even when I write down a time frame for different events, it doesn’t make any sense so I disregard it and think somehow it has to be wrong. I’ve been losing time more and more. So, if you read something I wrote previously but it doesn’t match up with something else I wrote, that’s the reason why. It’s extremely confusing.

 

[Cactus Bloom]

Each part will come forward when they feel the need to protect you, and they each have their own ag...

Thank you! I don’t have a problem with sharing. For the longest time I had no idea what was going on so there wasn’t anything to share. I’m so disconnected and I have no emotional attachment to anything so it really is no big deal to write this stuff.

When I first moved to the city I live in now, I was so lucky to have an amazing psychiatrist. Unfortunately she moved so I needed to find another one but there aren’t very many that live here. I went to a new one after she left and he was awful! I cried because he was such a jerk. I ended up getting an appointment to see a medical doctor who would treat people with mental health issues and prescrib meds. I first had to see a psychologist before I could get an appointment with that doctor. I guess it was an evaluation. It was odd but I met with the psychologist and oh my goodness! One of my parts was having fun with him. I had brought my paperwork from my last psychiatrist that had the list of my diagnoses so he went down the list to ask me about each one. I was diagnosed with bipolar about 20 years ago so he asked about that so I gave him a rundown of my depressive states and my manic states. I’ve had manic states last from a couple of weeks, 2-12 months at a time. He said I didn’t have bipolar then. I said awesome! He asked me about the PTSD and how I was dealing with the nightmares and flashbacks. I told him I have never experienced those. He said I didn’t have PTSD. I asked him why I didn’t have PTSD after being raped three different times and he said it was because it must not have bothered me that much. I told him I was so relieved! When I was done with my “interview” I ended up with having no diagnoses at all. All of those years with being with three different psychiatrists that had treated me, they must have been all wrong and this psychologist who I was with for about an hour said they were all wrong! That cracked me up! I told him thank you so much for the relief he had given me knowing that those psychiatrists had it all wrong:) I was able to see the medical doctor and he rolled his eyes when I told him what the psychologist told me.

I don’t know. I have different personality states that keep switching so I honestly have no idea who or what I’ll be and I’m constantly going from one addiction or compulsive behavior to another so I literally don’t understand or feel anything about anything. I do get triggered but have no idea what it was or why. It’s like my nervous system just freaks out and then another part takes over and off I go. I don’t know it’s happening at the time but I can look back after several months have passed and say “Hey! So that’s what was going on.” They have free reign.

 

[freebird]

@Fionas74 You have said words that describe perfectly the feeling of not being able to know your body. I actually didn't see it too clearly until I read your thread. Thanks for posting. I was also raised in religion and was anorexic, and didn't want to grow a body because well, certain men. Now I just kind of wander around with no identity. I always ask myself, how can I reclaim my body? How can I own it, and feel it, and see it as my own, and not as an instrument for someone else. I, too, don't have a therapist right now (I will later), but it has been on my mind too.

 

[Cactus Bloom]

@Fionas74 You have said words that describe perfectly the feeling of not being able...

I’m so sorry for your pain. I’m glad that something I said made sense. Besides not wanting to look sexual to men, an eating disorder is something that feels like you can have some control over when everything is so out of your control around you. You get to choose to put food in your mouth or not. Also, gaining a lot of weight can also be another unconscious effort to not be sexually attractive to men. If you’re “fat” then you’re safe.

Have you done a little investigating into what options of therapists are in your area? I definitely recommend looking for ones that specializes in trauma. That’s extremely important.

Right now I’m just sad and I’m not able to put into words what I want to say of comfort to you. I care:)

 

[freebird]

@Fionas74 So true!! I remember telling a friend how I would starve myself for 3 days to lose weight. She said the same you said, that it's about control. You want to be in charge of your own body because you are not allowed charge.

I am not in the US right now, and I have looked for therapists. I will look into it again though for trauma, thank you!

I'm sorry that you are sad, I hope it passes quickly and you feel some peace. Thank you for your care:hug:

 

[jmad]

I am sorry to hear what you are struggling, inter alia, to find a good therapist and psychiatrist. Sad to say that as the saying goes, Cs and Ds get degrees, and I see that in my own profession. I hope you keep searching and find someone who is capable of understanding you.

I have also lost a psychiatrist. She, one of the most amazing women I have met in my life, was (rightly) promoted to head the hospital I was treated in, but that meant she could no longer treat me individually. After, I was assigned to a psychiatrist who misdiagnosed me (he only listed 'social anxiety') and on two occasions did not proscribe me the correct medication. I only speak with him to get my re-fills, and it makes me sad.

 

[Cactus Bloom]

@Fionas74 So true!! I remember telling a friend how I would starve myself for 3 day...

Hi! It’s been a rough couple of days but am doing better today so far. I was wondering if you still struggle with an eating disorder. What is really interesting is that most of my life I was making myself not eat so I could lose a lot of weight. At first, it’s kind of hard because I would be so hungry but after about 3 or so days the hunger wouldn’t be so bad and I’d drop around 20-30 pounds in about a month to a month and a half. So I would be skinny for a little while but then the wild animal would come out and the binging and purging would begin. I had a physically demanding job, thank goodness, so I would gain those 30 pounds back again and I would kind of stay there at that weight before I would starve myself again. I’ve done that for about 20 years and I’m extremely lucky that I haven’t ruined my health so far.

About 4 years ago, I was at my heaviest but I was okay with it. It’s amazing how not working and being out in the public is a huge relief because then I didn’t beat myself up about thoughts about what other people were thinking about how ugly or fat I was. I had lost my appetite (which was unusual for me) and couldn’t eat very much. I lost more weight than I ever had when I was consciously starving myself. I stayed really thin for a longer amount of time but eventually that animal would come out and eat a lot but it didn’t last as long. Then I would lose my appetite again and get extremely skinny again. It just does it without me choosing to lose weight. It’s just really interesting.

I’m curious as to how you are with your relationship with food is now and your body image. When you look in the mirror do you actually see yourself? I don’t see myself in the mirror. If a thought creeps in while I’m combing my hair that says “this is you”, it scares me so I get away from the mirror as fast as I can. Does that happen to you?

 

[Cactus Bloom]

I am sorry to hear what you are struggling, inter alia, to find a good therapist and psychiatrist. Sad t...

I’m sorry that you lost your psychiatrist even though it was good for her for the move. That’s kind of what happened to the psychiatrist I had here before she moved to a larger city to advance in her career. What was so amazing about her is that she was originally from Romania and had this accent that I just loved. I found out that she had also been a surgeon and medical doctor before becoming a psychiatrist. And she wasn’t very much older than I am! I always think everyone is older than me. Age doesn’t make sense to me. All the different managers I had when I worked I always thought of them older than myself when in actuality a lot of them would be 5 or 10 years younger than me. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

I was lucky to find a medical doctor to treat me that will prescribe me the right medications. The other nasty psychiatrist wouldn’t prescribe me the only medication that helps me sleep so I had to go through a couple doctors before I found the one I have. She’s really nice to me too. But, she’ll tell me that I’m doing so much better than when I first started seeing her but that’s not true because however I’m “acting” on the outside never meshes with what is really going on even when I tell her. But, I just let it go because I can’t lose her because there isn’t anyone that will prescribe the meds I need. Is that what happens to you too when you have seen those last couple of doctors who think they know you and misdiagnosed you? It’s such a hard thing to deal with and I’m really sorry you have a hard time with doctors too:(

 

[freebird]

Hi! It’s been a rough couple of days but am doing better today so far. I was wondering if you still...

First, I am so sorry. Eating disorders are horrible.

I totally get you. Every word. The mirror is like a black hole. Sucks out the happiness. When the mirror is foggy after the shower I always write bitter things on it like "f*ck it all to hell". And yes, I still have an eating disorder. I don't think I will ever be rid of that voice. When I'm sad, I will skip meals. I have a hard time eating in the morning, but when I do, I try to make the meal as nice as possible. I am committing myself to eat 3 light meals a day, and doing easy light exercises when I wake up and go to bed. No heavy eating, no heavy exercising. I've reached a point where my body suffers if I don't eat on time, so I'm making progress.

I dislike my body, and also don't see myself...but what helps tremendously, is skincare/makeup. Skincare for me is like a form of ultimate self care, it's so relaxing. Same with herbal foot baths. That's how I manage my body image...for now.

It's a little hard for me to talk about it, but...like I said, I used to not eat 3 days straight, and like you, I would binge afterwards horribly. I was obsessed with what size I was, and how many bones I could feel protruding out of my skin. I literally thought that my weight was my worth. I thought I would be loved if I looked skinny like a celebrity. Another reason is that in the cult I was raised in, I saw so many unhappy women who were overweight, and I didn't want to become like that. I thought my weight had everything to do with happiness and even sucess. It doesn't. The time I wasn't eating was the worst time of my life. Now it's not the worst times anymore, and I'm not skin and bones, but I'm not too fat either. I have a better balance, and so very loved by my new family and friends. I don't let myself try to find love from people who don't accept who I am anymore.

I learned so much self hatred from my abuser, the cult that hates women's bodies, and from other bad influences like body shaming in society.

Please know that although the mirror tells you those things, you are enough @Fionas74. That quote "You are enough" has been ringing in my ears for a few years now. Your body has been through so much trauma, and I so hope that you too, can let this quote sink into your brain, and let it start to help you.

Learn your body type too, get measured, try on new things. I am a medium/large only because I grew a little taller. So, the large tag, doesn't mean I am fat (like I used to think)...and sometimes larger sizes are more comfortable anyway. Don't listen to the clothes. Let me tell you something...

All the clothes are made in China. Right now I am in China. I have seen so many large clothes tagged small, and small clothes tagged large. So many. I think the people who make them don't really take serious to mind size tags. They just make clothes. It's how they make a living. Now I just find what fits and makes me look and feel awesome, to hell with the size tag.

Also, I wrote a little list based on research that I hope can help you... Here it is

Drink at least 2 liters water per day
Eat meat for breakfast and lunch, dinner is lighter - less or no meat
Eat vegetables every day

6:30 am - wake up and drink water
7:00 - little exercise
8:00 - eat breakfast
9:00 - read/write/play/go to work
12:00 pm - lunch
12:30 - rest/eat fruit and drink water
1:00 - drink tea always 1 hour after eating
5:30 - dinner
6:00 - go for a walk 20 min
6:30 - take shower
7:00 - watch tv
9:00 - go to bed

I am not fully committed to this list, but it stays on my mind and helps me budget my time better with eating.

I hope they help. You are on the right track by talking about it. You deserve to be nourished and loved for who you are. You deserve to eat without regret. Who you see in the mirror, is the only person you will have in your whole life. There must be one thing you like about this person. If you find it, try to move up from there. If there is something that bothers you, change it and use more self care.

Sending peace to you!

 

[Cactus Bloom]

First, I am so sorry. Eating disorders are horrible.

I totally get you. Every word. The mirror is lik...

Thank you so much:) You bring tears to my eyes and fill my heart with your sweet words. I can’t express enough how much your message has brought me me comfort. You’re a beautiful soul:)