I Almost Did But Backed Out

[sonicwhite]

Yesterday I almost ordered a stimulant over the Internet. I got this great pull not to. Like my conscience was saying stop. So I emailed the ppl said pls just forget my payment and I don't want anything to do with this.


I noticed that with somethings I can feel real awful after I order something so I said forget feeling that way. Yes I have addiction issues. I never really went to NA or AA or anything like that. I just quit by reason of circumstances, meaning I would get into it with the drug dealer and he would cut me off or like yesterday I felt such a profound conviction that I asked them to please just delete what I was trying to order.


So on my own I have learned tools in some areas. Some areas I'm still very bad and I know intervention is going to have to happen like go to the psych ward. Tell them I honestly don't abuse klonopin but I need off of gabapentin. I haven't taken more then supposed to in a couple of days and I really just don't feel like it but, I know when boredom sets in I will do anything not to let that boredom make me depressed.


Today we had to get a hog into a pin to have it slaughtered and I felt good about it. The humidity is up so I'm tryin to stay cool. Please everyone that reads this. Just like everything else I have conquered I will with the gabapentin. I know it's creating a bigger problem then if I just kept abusing it not feeling any grief for doing so. I just know IM going to have to be the one to tell my therapist the honest truth.



That I do not abuse klonopin but I abuse gabapentin and do like I did in 2011 and once it's out of my system run from any doc who tries to dish it out to me.

 

[Justmehere]

That's a good step to take! So glad you canceled the order.

Yes I have addiction issues. I never really went to NA or AA or anything like that. I just quit by reason of circumstances, meaning I would get into it with the drug dealer and he would cut me off or like yesterday I felt such a profound conviction that I asked them to please just delete what I was trying to order.

You have quit a number of substances, and you do admit you have an addiction, but you haven't yet dealt with the addiction. That's why you keeping finding a new drug of choice.

Addition is a lot more than just abuse of one particular substance - addiction involves a lot of behaviors. Addiction is its own problem, and it's also avoidance of deeper issues and pain that are happening. And you are continuing to avoid facing those things and escaping / self medicating by taking steps to get high.

I'm so glad you canceled the order but the time and heart you spent in seeking out the drug court gave been instead spent on finding a good rehab facility and finally getting out of suffering.

You may indeed be able to quit Gabapentin on your own. In your other thread you were quite clear you love to get high and refuse to stop and that it is impossible for you to quit the gabapentin. That was just a few days ago, after you got temp banned from the forum for behaviors while you were high.

It seems like you have changed your mind, and now are willing to quit, but look how quickly you have been putting time effort money and engery into getting high from yet another substance.

know it's creating a bigger problem then if I just kept abusing it not feeling any grief for doing so. I just know IM going to have to be the one to tell my therapist the honest truth.

Telling your therapist all of the truth and holding nothing back would be another great step to take. I hope you also consider giving AA or NA or celebrate recovery (another 12 step program) and a comprehensive rehab program a try. You deserve to have support to get through this and not have to struggle so deeply.

 

[sonicwhite]

Ya I got a email from them yesterday saying by the judgment of what you say we would rather you take your business else where.


Me and my dad just went thru fraud. So I told them you use my number and I will prosocute so I guess they got offended. I love how the Lord works because he keeps doors closed that he doesn't want me to open.


But, ya yesterday I felt like one of the most massive pulls to stay away from doing that. Probably because I've gone since February without so in Gods eyes He was doing me a great favor. Protect His children from harm.

 

[Justmehere]

Do you realize that your attempt to purchase the stinulants is a federal crime? Do you realize that it is punishable by every almost every state by a *minimum* of 1 year in prison? Some states have even higher minimums for the first offense.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That I do not abuse klonopin but I abuse gabapentin and do like I did in 2011 and once it's out of my system run from any doc who tries to dish it out to me.

Or just dont take it! I have bottles and bottles of things that i stopped taking or didnt take as much as i was prescribed or just flush it or dont pick it up at the pharmacy. Its legal to buy the last thing i was addicted to (huffing keyboard duster) was up to 16 cans in a day and it would have killed me. Suprised it didnt but i walk buy it in Walgreens, Walmart, EVERYWHERE and I can legally buy as many as i wanted if i wanted but I dont. I have that strong urge on bad days as that addict mind comes to the forefront and its hard but I fight that. This is just for me and my fight.

I do agree with this completely:

Addition is a lot more than just abuse of one particular substance - addiction involves a lot of behaviors. Addiction is its own problem, and it's also avoidance of deeper issues and pain that are happening. And you are continuing to avoid facing those things and escaping / self medicating by taking steps to get high.

Ive been addicted to a total of 4 drugs in my life if you include the one i was given as a kid that made me more complient and more sexual; and with all the addict mind was the same. And it was faught the same way and is still faught daily even though ive been clean of all substances not prescribed for 2 years and those prescribed i take as prescribed or less.

Again, just in my life and my opinions.

Its a fight that some cannot do on their own or go through withdrawls on their own thus the need of help from medical detox and rehab.

 

[Sideways]

I totally respect the fact that a good relationship with God is extremely important to a lot of people and can be incredibly helpful in the healing process.

But it wasn't God that made the right decision about buying more - it was you. Take the credit for that. You did it yourself.

Just like God isn't responsible for making your life harder when you're down and struggling.

God may well be walking by your side through this difficult time, and I'm sure he'd be rooting for you to actually deal with this addiction issue annd start to heal and genuinely feel better and enjoy life. But you are responsible for your decisions. When you screw up, that's on you. And when you do good, like you did here, you get full credit for that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When you screw up, that's on you. And when you do good, like you did here, you get full credit for that.

Gosh I wanted to say that so bad. Agreed!

 

[mary1979]

Good effort sonic.
Like said above, that wasn't God,that was 'sonic will power'
Take credit, you'll be needing it in the weeks ahead.

You gotta seriously get your system cleaned out so you can think straight again.

 

[EveHarrington]

Good job! :)