I Am Feeling Proud Of Myself Too! First Time In A Long Time!

[pandora]

Well...the last 6 or 7 months the depression, and isolation has been as bad if not worse than it was 6 years ago when I fell apart so badly. I cannot live this way anymore and I know that I am the only one that is going to be able to change this and if I want a life, a good life I am going to have to create it for myself.

When I was in outpatient rehab..I made some goals for myself. One was to go back to school and take some computer courses. I found a computer course and another girl that I met in rehab is also going to go with me and that will also make me more accountable as I am driving. So..the course starts in sept (I have to go and register on aug 21) it finishes in jan. It is also free!!It is mon-fri 8:30-11:30. WHOA!!! So that means when my son goes to school I have to get ready and go...no more going back to bed and that will make me go to bed at a reasonable hour. I did it for rehab..getting up and going every day in the am and I was fine. i am a bit worried about the headaches because on thoses days, I am pretty much out of commision because I get the vomitting and light insensitivity that goes with migraines...I am going to explain this when I go to register..hopefully it won't be an issue. i have to not worry about this now and just worry if and when that happens and deal with it then!

Also I went through the evening general interest programs being offered and decide on one. There is actually something offered every evening..I do not want to overload myself so I am going to choose one. There is meditation, yoga, tai chi, scrapbooking..to name a few. They are quite reasonable to..the beginners yoga is only 50.00 for 10 sessions..that is very reasonable.

Also...my brother is having his annual back yard bbq. He has a band and about 100 people go. He has tshirts and shopping bags made this year with the date of the party and also to advertise his new business. Anyway...6-7 years ago..newly diagnosed...this party brought so much anxiety, and I missed a few of them for this reason. There are family and friends that I see very infrequently due to my isolation and anxiety. I will see them all tonight! I am actually looking foward to it.....THAT IS A HUGE inprovement for me. I am actually going to sleep there tonight because I am going to have a few drinks and I do not want to drive. I am actually going for the evening and overnight. Whoo hoo....an adult night for me!

I am going to get my cousins son to stay with my son...my mother is home but the boys will be fine together and his best friend is also coming so I do not feel guilty about him being alone. I bought a whole bunch of snacks and goodies for the boys and I am sure they will enjoy there time together. My son loves it when these two kids come over and that makes me feel good!

So...I see definite improvements and need to give myself a pat on the back for this progress! I am going to go and have fun...enjoy the adult company and the band!

I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and push myself to get back out into the REAL world. I need to create a new life that I want to live in and actually enjoy and I am the only one that can make these positive changes......

 

[Jline]

Good for you pandora,

The simple little things in life that people without PTSD just go and enjoy are like mountains to us sufferers. It is wonderful to hear you are looking forward to enjoying your time with family and friends. I find this post very inspiring and full of hope, thank you. Way to go!

 

[Iam]

:clap:Wow Pandora....you really are making great progress. You should be proud! What an encouragement and reminder, one step, one day at a time and we can create a better life for ourselves!

 

[pandora]

Thanx Jline and I am..Well, it is 10:34..LOL..I am home, make-up washed off and in my pj's sitting on the couch!!! I had two coolers and a bit to eat and felt like I was going to VOMIT for the last hour sooooo, I came home.

LOL..It really is ok...i did have a good time and wished I felt better..I was upset that I felt yucky enough to leave but I really did. I managed to circulate the party and talk to the people I knew, the evening was NOT filled with flashbacks and I was talking to people I have known for 20 plus years and a few cousins and I was ok. I just really felt nauseated. I cannot drink, I am also on this duragesic patch and they just do not mix!Probably not a bad thong at all. I just cannot drink. Years of chronic gastitis, an opiate patch and alcohol....just not happening, my years of drinking alcohol are done! I can honestly say that I think I have been a binge drinker but that was many years ago and at the time..I was single so that was about 16 years ago...I did binge drink but only on a fri and sat...I have drank since but not very often and now I just cannot at all! Again...probably a blessing in disguise.

This still is a positive for me..it just ended a bit early...

My brother and mother have not spoken in 19 months...not that this has not happened before....BUT my brother was handing out bags and when he gave me mine I said" Do you want to give one to Mom" He said "Your mother" BUT he gave it to me anyway...My mother just does not understand that we could be a happy family if she would just stop being sooo selfish my brother too...But we both learned from the best..OUR mother. Anyway...on to more positive things. Even though my night was shortened and I felt yucky..I had a good time while there for the most part. It was hard feeling like I was the only single one but I didn't know quite a few people...so, It was a good night it just got cut short.

 

[Jline]

I think it's huge that you went, stayed, socialized and didn't have any panic attacks or flashbacks. You left at the right time for sure, feeling sick to your stomach isn't much fun but at least it wasn't caused from flashbacks or panic. Great progress in my opinion. I know how difficult social situations can be, you did awesome!

Too bad your mom and brother are on the outs...must be hard for you and them. My sister and my mom have had times like that, it always makes me feel like I should do something to help, but what? I am better with it now...I stay out of it lol

 

[pandora]

Yep..I stay out too. One time I told them each that the other wanted to meet and then they did and the fight was over but that was over 20 plus years ago...now it is easier to stay out of it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hey Pand.... Good for you for deciding that your isolation has gotten to a point that you needed to make a change. I'm glad that you finally have chosen to do something. You and I have talked before about you going back to school on a few occasions, so I think this is a perfect way to possibly get you back into the swing of going to school, and maybe taking a few courses to update your nursing.....Who knows, maybe someday you might be able to reurn to work...

I'm so glad that you have decided to do this. I was beginning to get a bit worried about you and your isolating. I think this is awesome, and I am rooting for you, to continue to make progress with all of this.....I am proud of you too!!!!!

 

[pandora]

I knew you would like this post She! Thanx for the support!

 

[Grama-Herc]

I am so happy for you. I 'know' what a huge step just going to the party was for you. In a way, your success has helped me. It has helped me to realize that I am not the only person with the isolation issue. You have also helped me realize that it is possible to begin to have a life. Now if I can just get my own arse out the door.

Congradulations on your steps forward. You must feel on top of the world right now. Enjoy your victory

 

[pandora]

Thanx Herc..if I can do it and pull myself out of the pit I have been in..you can too!