I Am Having A Hard Time With Relationships

[surviving_it_all]

I am having a really bad day. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I had a nightmare. It terrified me. I got sent home from work today because of an outburst of anger. I don't feel like this anger is unjustified. I feel trampled and treated like an object. I don't feel like anyone treated me like an adult who can make rational decisions.

I stopped talking to my family for very clear reasons. There is a long history of abuse and trauma. I can't handle that. I can't handle how small I feel inside around all of them.

I have very few friends and even fewer acquaintances. Lately, they all don't listen to me. My voice means nothing. It feels defeating.

Today, I asked my coworker to back off of me. The coworker insists on talking about a personal matter that I did not bring up to them. Rather, many coworkers even my boss insists on acting on matters I did not involve them in. I am saying it now.

I have been very clear in what I want. I choose not to have someone in my life ever. It makes me feel so horrible that what I have to say doesn't matter. Everyone else is making decisions without consulting me. I have one therapist. I chose to see one therapist. I don't want everyone around me treating me as if I am their patient. Just because someone has the power to create a situation, it does not make it right. I didn't agree to any of this. It is unethical and wrong. It is hurting me. I don't know what to say to make it stop. I say stop, no one stops. I say no, no one cares. I say I don't want this, everyone ignores me as if I am stupid. For someone who has a hard time drawing boundaries, I feel trampled upon.

I just wanted to live in a safe house with a safe roommate. I got all of that and more. My house is safe but its not what I wanted. Who has the rights to make choices for me? Who gave them this right? I know that I did not. It's wrong and I want it to stop. How many times must I say stop before it does? Who must I scream to before it does? I know the PTSD causes outbursts in anger, but this is justified. This has very clear reasons. I have come to a decision. Those who truly know me know that I won't change my mind. Friends, family, acquaintances, and coworkers should be support systems not intrusive, manipulative people who act without your consent.

 

[LhasaLover]

I am having a really bad day. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I had a nightmare. It terrified me. I got sent home from work today because of an outburst of anger. I don't feel like this anger is unjustified. I feel trampled and treated like an object. I don't feel like anyone treated me like an adult who can make rational decisions.

Surviving_it_all, I am so sorry to hear you are having a bad day! I know the familiar feeling of being trampled upon, have you considered that whatever happened at work triggered you? Sometimes you need to take a break, stop getting down on yourself, and think about is it really worth getting angry? Is it really worth hurting yourself?

I stopped talking to my family for very clear reasons. There is a long history of abuse and trauma. I can't handle that. I can't handle how small I feel inside around all of them.

It sounds as if you are depressed about the horrible things you have been through. I know that feeling, only my heart breaks sometimes that I cannot be with my entire family of origin for occassions or even be in contact with them. It was a decision that I had very little choice in to not have anything to do with them. I do dream and get very sad about it.

I have very few friends and even fewer acquaintances. Lately, they all don't listen to me. My voice means nothing. It feels defeating.

I have learned that a lot of times, this is the disease talking. It tells me I will never be well, it tells me I will be alone... It is a defeating energy... Not good energy at all. Perhaps getting some exercise and/or looking into meds if you are not on them may lift you up a bit - my heart goes out for you suffering so.

Today, I asked my coworker to back off of me. The coworker insists on talking about a personal matter that I did not bring up to them. Rather, many coworkers even my boss insists on acting on matters I did not involve them in. I am saying it now.

If you don't want to talk about something, then do not talk about it. Stand your ground, but no one is going to listen to you and you are giving them weapons to use against you by reacting with anger. Really I hope you discuss this with your therapist. Mine has taught me that there is other people and their "stuff" and not to confuse it with me and my issues. It's difficult to draw new boundaries with people who have been in your life, but it can be done.

Anger really is not good for you... if people are not practising healthy boundaries with you and getting into your personal life at work... well that problem should be addressed. Outbursts in my experience does not resolve a dang thing. When I get upset, I just go running or do some kind of phsycial exercise or activity to feel better.

I hope you cheer up a bit. Your feelings are I think very familiar to those of us with PTSD, feeling cornered, angry, and lonely. In 12 step programs they call it HALT... Hungry Angry Lonely Tired... and it just means that to STOP and take care of yourself.

Hang in there and be good to yourself. You are in a dark place right now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel....

 

[rightkindofme]

When I get angry like that I take it as a warning that my body believes I am in danger and wants me to be safe and needs for things to change so I can be safe. What could help you be safer in that environment?

 

[WillyKat]

As I was reading your post, I saw quite a bit of myself. I've often felt like no one wanted to listen to me.

I cannot say whether this is true for you or not; but for *me*, I think it relates to my original abuse when I was little that I wasn't able to tell about. I didn't' have words for it and could not communicate what had happened.

The people around you now may be trying to show you that they care about you, but of course, they don't know how. They are not 'in the club' so to speak, so when they try, they just muck it up.