General I Am Heartbroken...I Don't Understand

[Frankie]

I already posted this thread (on the carers only) 2 days ago, and Nicolette did reply, Thanks Nicolette, but I do need to talk about this so bad and I do need to hear more feedback......I am heartbroken !! My bf of 2 years left !!

I have been seeing this wonderful man for almost 2 years....He was and is everything to me ! We shared everything, we laughed, cried, talked, he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was the most caring, giving, loving, funny man and he made me feel special and cherished.

He has PTSD from his time in Rwanda (the genecide in 1992, if I remember the year correctly), he was in the United Nations. A few years ago, he seeked help from the Vet's hospital because he did realize that something was terribly wrong!

Since then he has been on meds and is seeing a doctor. When I met him, I didn't see any signs of his disorder, he did explain to me though, and he did talk about his experiences.....He did say that besides his doctors, I was the only other person he opened up to...and that showed me how much he cared and how much he trusted me!

He was taking so many pills, but in the last few months he was feeling so much better that his doctor lowered his dosage.

All the while we were together, I went through a seperation with my husband, the divorce will be final very soon.

During these months of seperation, I talked to my bf a lot about all the problems my ex-husband was (and still is) giving me, financial and emotional.

My bf always listened and always encouraged me to talk. He was always the one saying "don't keep it inside, talk to me". He was always there for me....as I was for him.

I do know that it is not a very good idea to give a PTSD sufferer stress, at least more stress then he can handle.....but while I was with my bf.....I always forgot he had this disorder, cause he was so "OK", I saw him only as the man I loved....so I shared so many of my troubles. Now, looking back, I know I shouldn't have !!!

Well, 2 weeks we decided to live together...My bf moved in with me. The first week was the best !! I have never felt so loved and cherished and protected in my life. My sons (25 and 28 years old) got along very well with him.....and I was so happy to see the relationship he was building with them...especially with my younger son (who is still living with me). He needed a father figure and my bf was it ! They talked, enjoyed time together...it was so great seeing my men like that ! I thought life was finally being very good to me !

Well, it didn't turn out that way....I have to explain that my ex-husband was still giving me lots of trouble...calling me and screaming, calling my sons and telling them how bad I was ! It got worst when he found out that my bf was living with us. He then began to threaten my bf and I.

I changed the lock on the door, but one night at 3:30 in the morning we are awaken by banging and yelling ! It was my ex-husband wanting to come in....finally after trying to calm him...with no success I called the police. From there I also changed my home phone number.

But by then the damage had been done, my bf....poor sweetheart, had heard and had seen enough !! He used to say to me "I wish I could help" and "your ex-husband is putting you and your sons trhough so much"

A day after the police incident, I saw a change in my bf.....he then said to me that he was unhappy, the reason he gave for his unhappiness was that I lived in a big city, and he is not used to city life. But I felt it was more then that.....I felt an emotional withdrawal from him, he no longer was the man I loved. He then tells me that he is moving out !! Just like that !! with no clear explanation !

I tried reasoning with him...."we can go see your doctor together", "we can move wherever you want", etc....nothing !! Whatever I said to him didn't register...I didn't recognize him at all !! it's as if only the shell of the man I knew remained !!!

He finally left last Saturday, saying he loved me, saying to me "you hate me", crying and shaking and not saying much !! ...it was the most painful thing I had to go through...I thought at the time...but as days go by...It is becoming more and more painful !

Hate him ????....how can I hate him when I adore this man !! Sure, I do hate the situation...and I did try to explain to him...I kept on saying "I don't hate you, I love you" and he kept on saying "you don't love me, you hate me"

What I am getting from this, is that he always wanted to protect me, to make me happy, to see no harm come to me or my sons....and I think that he just believed that he couldn't help...he felt helpless !!! and also very threatened ! (by how my ex-husband was acting).

And of course with all the stress I was giving him, (through my ex-husband) l I believe that I was the cause of his downfall, I think he sees me as the enemy and not as the woman he loves. Because of me, he felt he needed to leave before he reached bottom low ! He said to me that he was returning to 3 years ago (in his mind)...and 3 years ago was his lowest !!

I did speak to him today, he called saying "I closed the joint bank account" (which I knew he would do)....but when I said to him "that is all you have to say???" ..He said "yes"...no emotion whatsoever, it was like I was talking to a stranger !

I am at work, and when he called I just wanted to cry and cry, so I hung up very quickly, went out a bit and called him back. He sounded very calm, emotionless and I said to him "I know I can't push you, I know right now you see me as the enemy and you want to avoid me", but I also wanted to tell you that I love you.....and again he says to me "no, you don't...you hate me".

And I said to him "don't you realize how much you hurt me?" No matter what I said to him...it didn't register, it's as if he is not there !!

I know that I am maybe making things worst !! But I WANT SO MUCH to understand what went wrong !!! Ok, I know why he is doing this, I have read so much about PTSD, to know that it his way of coping...by leaving and avoiding stress !! but it hurts so much, I wonder if he realizes how much he hurt me !!

I get the feeling that he just doesn't care about me anymore, or worst, that he now hates me and can't ever come back to me, because he associates me with his downfall. I am (in his eyes and mind) the person to avoid at all costs.

Please help me, let me know what I should do or shouldn't do !! I am completely torn and I feel lost !! I love him so much, I need him in my life, as I always told him "I can handle anything, but I couldn't handle being without you"

Will he one day realize what he did ? Will he ever come back ?

Sorry, this is so long, but I had to let it out, and this is the only place I can do it...I feel this is the only place that understands !

 

[becvan]

Will he one day realize what he did ? Will he ever come back ?

I don't think you realize what he did. He did what he needs to do to survive. I don't know any sufferer of PTSD that could handle the situation you are in. I'm sorry that it hurts and your in such pain. However he needed to leave. You need to get your stuff with your ex sorted out. Expecting someone to put up with that and deal with that, even though it's not your doing, with a stress disorder is very very unreasonable.

I don't believe he is ABLE to go back to that situation. I know I certainly wouldn't be able to, no matter how healed or well I was. Him shutting down and being unable to be emotional or communicate is a very natural reaction for someone with PTSD in a stressful situation.

If he does come back, with those same circumstances, it won't last. Perhaps when your life is settled, but I wouldn't count on it now.

My suggestion is to be accepting of the fact that he needed to leave, and focus on sorting your stuff out. Don't put any pressure on him to come back. It's simply not a healthy situation for anyone to be in, and someone with a stress disorder it's the worst situation to be in.

All my best,
bec

 

[Frankie]

I understand what you are saying bec, I really do ! but he was the one that when I tried to hide things away from him, he used to get upset because he wanted to know everything.

And trust me, there are many things my ex-husband did or said that I never told my bf. He was the one that wanted to go after my ex-husband, and I always said "No, let it go!"....

I never expected him to put up with it and deal with it. He was the one that wanted to move in even though I told him I wanted to wait for the divorce to be final because there would be too much stress.

But yes, I understand the part I played in this unfortunate mess. I didn't see him as a man with PTSD but saw him simply as my bf.....A man that loved me and wanted to protect me as I was with him.

I know it seems that I am defending myself, but I am not. I now realize that I did things badly and I lost our relationship because of it. If I could do things differently, I would...but unfortunately, I have to live with this. I hope he heals, he deserves the best he can have. I just hope he finds it in him to forgive me and not hate me.

 

[greenscousegal]

Frankie, I am sorry this has happened. This comes down to timing: what happens to a person with PTSD on a given day/night is how they react. And with a person with PTSD, survival is paramount.
Their behavior does not mean they do not love you. It means that they want to survive. Therefore they 'retreat'. As bec said, you must get yourself OK.
What your BF does is his choice. You have to try to accept this and not pressure him.
Hurts like hell but you have to try.
:Hug_emoticon:Frankie

 

[2quilt]

I agree that he did this to survive. I am like that too when I am in danger, I quit immediately, without waiting or discussing. He may see your situation as something that will not change, i.e. your ex will always be a threat, no matter where you go, and if he finds you, he may hurt or kill you. Your bf does not feel safe, and may never feel safe with you as long as your ex is alive. I hope you can do something to keep your ex from hurting you and your family.

 

[Robbed]

Frankie I am sorry that this relationship has not worked out but I think it is the timing. You don't need anymore complications at the moment, yes,you are hurt but staying with someone who is shutting down with PTSD symptoms would not be healthy for you or him. Try to stay in contact with emails or letters without confronting him on any matters with your ex.

He may need time to be alone at present but in time he may realise that he misses you and feels strong enough to make contact with you again.

Maybe your son could email him and keep that contact up. I am sure it would be good for both of them.

Unfortunately we all have difficult times when there is a breakup but involving someone with PTSD with police, voilent situations and confrontations will only heighten his symptoms and push him away.

I am sorry you have to hear this but it is better to let him have his space and spend your time healing yourself.

I hope in the future that you can become friends again. We don't know what the future holds.
Take care
Robbed.

 

[iluvcaffeine]

I have done what your BG has done. I can tell you that he most likely felt intense inner-terror. I only remember fragments of time during this occurence. It was sheer hell. It lasted for a few weeks, and then the adrenaline storm of terror was gone. It spiked up one day from some things, it kept peak for a few days, and then extremely slowly gave way to extreme emotional and physical fatigue. And when it is over, you are left feeling like a lonely, unloveable, empty child. It is humiliating.

Knowing his triggers may be helpful, too. Feeling trapped is mine, but I obviously do not know his. The situation probably did make him feel a huge loss of control, though, which could be a trigger for him.

I was lucky enough to put together to courage and mental strength to salvage the relationship. I hope you are lucky, too.

 

[Frankie]

Thank-you all for replying...this has helped me a lot to understand and begin to accept. But even though my mind is telling me this, my heart does not want to accept it yet. I do not know what the future holds for us but I do know that I will not pressure him and push him in any ways.

Timing, yes, I can understand this.....Too much stress in such a short amount of time. This is what he experienced with me, and I know he felt out of control, threatenend, and helpless and those things triggered it for him. These are emotions that are hard to handle even without any mental disorder...I can only begin to imagine what he felt and thought.

One day we were making plans, he wanted to paint the appartment, wanted to buy new curtains, invite friends over for supper...etc...and the next day he becomes a stranger and stops talking and reacting and then leaves. Hard to accept but I have to accept that for him, leaving was the only thing to do.

 

[becvan]

Frankie, please realize there is no fault here. This is not a situation you can avoid, and I realize it's highly out of your control. I was simply trying to relay the reality of the situation. I don't see this as your fault. Hindsight is great, but useless to change anything.

Really you need to focus on your safety and that of your family's. :)

bec

 

[Frankie]

Thanks Becvan, I understand what you were saying and that it was not directed at me personally, you were just saying what you knew and I appreciate that...That is the reason I wanted to share this with everyone here, cause I knew I would get honest opinions and feedbacks.

For now I am still feeling guilty but also realize that there is nothing that could have prevented this to happen. All this week I have been replaying in my mind what happened the day he left....and there are so many "what ifs ??" but I know that for my own welfare and peace of mind I have to stop thinking that way.

I love him and miss him very much, but I will have to let go and take care of myself and let time do its thing.

 

[Frankie]

Well, it has been 2 weeks since my bf left...and everyday that passes it gets harder and harder. I don't know how he is doing, I worry abou him and I don't have any news.

I tried calling him but he changed his phone number. (He had changed his number when we decided to move in together, cause his previous number was a with different area code then where I lived, so he then changed it to my area code.....now he is back in his town and he changed it again to his old area code), at least that is what I hope is the reason for the change of number, and not that he changed it because he wanted nothing to do with me.

I also sent him an email....just a "hello, how are you doing" email...I know not to pressure him. Again, I don't know if he read my email and chose to ignore me or if he hasn't gone on a computer since he left !

It hurts very much and I keep on thinking of how special our relationship was and that is what hurts the most...also, there is no closure, one day he was here and saying he loved me....and the next day he is gone. I do understand that if he was able to think clearly, he never would have left the way he did.

I have ordered one of the books that Anthony suggested, at least I will understand better on what happened.

Sorry, I needed to vent, and this is the only place I can talk openly and freely about my feelings and about PTSD....I have noone else to talk to about what my bf is going through and what I am feeling, noone I know understands PTSD.

 

[becvan]

Oh Frankie, I'm sorry in your so much pain currently.

However I'm gonna kick you in the ass now. K, ready? *kick*

Honey you need to focus on you! YOU! Your situation is highly unsafe and very unstable with that nasty ex of yours. Stop worrying about how your PTSD ex-boyfriend is. I understand it's painful and you need to mourn (what woman doesn't? ) but you really need to save your energy for dealing with your mucked up situation.

Talk away though. I know it helps. Just want to make sure your not forgetting about yourself in here. *hands you a pillow for your sore butt, along with chocolate ice cream* Dig in!

bec