I Am New To This Site

[tmbutterfly]

I am just beginning the journey to try and deal with childhood sexual and emotional abuse. I am 31 and married. I haven't even read anything from any other introductions yet, so I don't know what is customary to write. I am currently suffering from severe anxiety, and some bulimia. My husband and I have also been experiencing issues with intimacy for our entire relationship. I have suffered from depression and anxiety on and off for my whole life, but until recently, I didn't realize that I hadn't dealt with my childhood issues or to what extent I needed to do so.
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism at age 19, had my thyroid gland removed at age 22, was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at age 28. My husband and I have been suffering from infertility for years, and have tried some fertility treatments. I am definitely blaming myself for many things. I am going to counseling right now and have been since the end of February, but don't know how much I am getting out of it yet. I am still trying to control everything and have to force myself not to run from things constantly. I did try some counseling as a teenager and young adult, but it was too much to deal with, so I gave up. I am at a point right now where I don't want the past to control my present or my future anymore, and I have no where to go except forward. I am so tired of feeling trapped and stuck and of living in fear of myself and my thoughts.

Things became pretty dark and scary back in February to the point that I had to take medical leave from work and during the first week of leave, I started becoming fearful of my husband who was just trying to help me and figure out what was wrong with me. The doctors were wondering if I had bi-polar disorder and that scared me even more. It still scares me, but I don't really know if it's true.

I don't know if there are any group therapy places in my area and even if there were, I don't think I would be ready to go yet since I am having such a hard time even making myself continue the counseling that I started in February. I know I need it, but don't know what in the heck to do with it and I hate how expensive it is and how far I have to drive to go. I hope I will be able to find others on this site who can relate.

 

[revelry]

I cant relate, but it seems like you have a lot of issues going on and that you might feel very overwhelmed. It seems like you want to move forward but that you dont have a lot of support or direction in doing so. You are tyring to tackle everything at once..... Unfortunately, this may be something that your going to have to strip away, cut down, and minimize, until you figure out what you really need to do. You will find help here, but i think your really overwhelmed and need to take a bit of a step back and figure out where you want to start and where you want to go. Baby steps hun, baby steps,,,

 

[ragdoll]

I am at a point right now where I don't want the past to control my present or my future anymore, and I have no where to go except forward.

Like Revelry said, "Baby steps." You are taking one of those steps by being here. As hard as it is, I think this is part of moving forward. Good for you.
Psychiatrists etc can be expensive. I'm not sure what country you live in but does your work offer free counselling sessions for their employees (all confidentiality upheld) ???
I'm in Australia and we have free counselling services or a small donation needed, depending on your income. Hope this helps.
Warmest thoughts xxxxxx