I am nothing and i am nobody...

[Ree78]

I have never felt this way.... this is what is running through my head and has been for the last 2 days. I've written it down - pages, and it's still there. I found this site because I googled something else. What is wrong with me. I'm in tears constantly. I don't want to talk/look at my husband, I feel like my kids don't love me. I feel like, so tired, and I just want it to stop. It's me - clearly me... there's something wrong with me that I can't be happy.

I'm sore - my body is sore - there's something wrong with my neck and arm - and I can't sleep. I feel so tired and so over everything. I want everyone and evrything to go away. But then I don't - I guess I just want to go away

 

[Rainbow87]

Hi Ree78, I understand how this feels. Depression is an evil bitch to say the least. It tells us so many lies: I am worthless, It is my fault, I will never get better, I should just kill myself, nobody cares, what is the point ...etc.

You are not alone. It does get better. I am still recovering & I definitely still have those dark times where I really just think nobody cares & that I would be better off not here. So not preaching here-just want you to know you aren’t alone in this struggle. But then I realize that those are lies I am telling myself. complete lies from depression. It wants us to feel so bad about ourselves -it gets a tight grip.

I have been having issues with back pain/neck too. Little steps each day-small goals. Hang in there because even though i do not know you... I care about you.

& you are enough. We are enough. You are enough for your family & I bet they do care. they probably just feel like they want to help, but they don’t know how. That is how my family/ friends have been & I mistake it as them not caring. When in actuality they just care a lot. depression really makes us irritational with our thinking I am starting to realize that. It isn’t us. It is part of the illness.

<3 & hugs

 

[Ree78]

Thank you... but I don't know. I have never "suffered from depression"/felt this way. I don't know why I feel like this, and because I never have before - I believe how I feel - that's all I have to go on right? Things aren't right, and not just with one thing, in every aspect of my life. So if everything is wrong - its got to be me. I'm the fault/the problem.

 

[Rainbow87]

“I'm the fault/the problem.”

I feel that you are being a bit hard on yourself here. Sometimes everything can go wrong. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are to blame for ALL of it. It makes sense to feel that way if nothing is going right & maybe blaming yourself gives you a sense of control over it ?

 

[JennaCaliforniaFires]

Hello,

I feel the same way. We just lost everything in the wildfires and adjusting back to life is hard. Everything that could have gone wrong in the last 2 months has gone wrong. I've experienced about 5 layers of traumatic events in such a short amount of time that I became sure I wasn't normal. I don't go out, I lay down all day, I don't socialize at all.

I can say that you aren't the problem. Things happen that are beyond our control...the only thing we can do is respond to it. In your case I'm not sure if an event triggered your feelings, but what I've learned is that people treat others according to what's happening internally for them. Don't beat yourself up or entertain negative thoughts about yourself. That only makes things worse.

What I've found that helps is taking short walks, assembling things, puzzles, finding little things that give me hope. I can't think past one day in the future so everything has to be taken one day at a time. Meditation/praying helps. Movies help to escape reality for a bit.

Maybe pick up a hobby or learn something new.....painting, music, languages, knitting, etc.

Sending positive vibes your way.

 

[Ree78]

I am a control freak - I know that. And I know that I am not to blame for certain things (my dad's cancer etc). I know that logically in my mind. But I still know that everything is off/wrong. This is not a good space/place for me or my family. I think I'm the 'grey'. I'm the presence that is trying to control everyone and instead just hurting everyone

I am so sorry for you, I saw the effect of the widlfires on the news here (in NZ), but you can never truely know. I hope al of your loved ones are safe?

I agree with you completely. I don't discuss things. I don't like to burden people. When things happen to me I shut off. I don't socialise also, I don't contact friends, I 'bunker down' and try and get through it. And I've done that, a few times in my life. And apologised to friends for cutting them off, when I came through it. This is me, and how I deal with things, and I've always known that, and I'm fine with that. I can admit I'm wrong/in a bad space, but when people (my husband) do things to make me in a bad space, that's when I retreat.

This is different. I guess, I'm ffeeling like I'm at the end. I can't keep fighting. I'm exhausted. I love your ideas of 'the little things' and will try that!! Thank you! I hope you are ok? Do you have somewhere to stay? Did you salvage anything??

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I found this site because I googled something else.

How lucky it led you here to the forum. You did something right. You are not a waste of space or a nothing. It is hard to walk the path of recovery and healing but oh so worth it. You are going to find that you have really good qualities. You will discover so many wonderful things about yourself just do not give up on yourself because you are so worth fighting for.:hug:

 

[Ree78]

Hi Rain - you are so right, but also so wrong. I have never, and never will, look at my good qualities. That's not me. And I don't mean that in a negative way, it's just that I don't do that. I can list my faults, but don't consider my good qualities. And that's 'normal' me. I don't want my attention on me, let alone others. That's why I feel so low - it's 'all about me' and I can't cope with that.

 

[JennaCaliforniaFires]

You're not a Virgo are you? :)

I went to NZ years ago and I love it there!! Yes, little things give little inspirations. Today I made a salad and considered it a "success". Now I can look at that 2 ways...hooray that I accomplished something or tell myself I'm a loser because I think making a salad is a win. If I think about it logically it's quite ridiculous, but I'm considering it a win and will try to add it to my routine. I am lost without routine and habits. I also need control and that's been ripped away so coping with "unknowns" is a huge anxiety alert!

Everything in the house burned including my car. The only things that remained were half burned pottery and broken china. It's a TOTAL loss with 3 traumas.....first the loss of stuff, the loss of my safe place (the house) and the evacuation itself. I am triggered all day by reminders.

Anyway, what I have found is that when all hope and desire is gone, so is the will to live. It's summer for you, in our summertime I took a lot of joy in planting seeds and watching them grow. Also, horses or animals usually help; cats can be fantastic for companionship. When I go outside again I will do one of those Paint Nights. Eventually I'll go back to Zumba classes. Finding desire is the tricky part if you're feeling down. Cooking a new recipe might be fun (or a dessert), I prefer desserts :)

 

[Deleted member 37868]

I have never felt this way.... this is what is running through my head and has been for the last 2 days....

Chronic pain can be a sign of ptsd, I’m guessing that’s how u found this site? I don’t know what kind of pain you have, but it sounds like it’s bad, that definitely can’t be helping. It sounds like you feel very different and it came on sudden so it would be a good idea to see someone for it, unless you already are. I hope you get all the help you need, and remember to take care of yourself and keep reminding yourself that life is worth it, keep finding reasons even if you don’t believe them right now.

 

[Friday]

I love being nothing & no one. Most of the time, anyhow.

If you hate it? It’s causing you distress? I’d really recommend looking at why. Flipping it around often helps do that. What does it mean -to you- to be someone & something?