I Am Seeing My Ex Again And Need Advice About Her Behaviour.

[ironbird]

Some of you might remember my thread made here late last year about the girl I was seeing who had PTSD. We broke up in Januar because she told me as much as she liked me she couldn't cope with being in a relationship with anyone and just wanted to focus on her friends and family to keep things light and fun in her life.

I sent her a happy birthday message on facebook on the 15th of May and she immediately responded with a lengthy message asking how I was. She then asked if I was free to catch up the following friday. I agreed to meet her for some drinks. We met up, chatted etc. We have undeniable chemistry. At the end of our evening I was walking to her to her car and said something like "we'll maybe we could do this again in a few months" and she said "..I was thinking next weekend..." I asked her straight up "do you want to start seeing me again?" she said "yes".

So since then shes been making a big effort to keep in contact with me more than she did. She slept over and told me how much she has missed me. How good it feels to cuddle with me again. Before she couldn't even admit to me she had feelings for me.

However, shes been slipping back into her old way of just cancelling our plans 5 minutes to when we've agreed to hang out. I just can't get used to this. It makes me so angry. I told her to let me know hours if not days before we have arranged things. Then wednesday just gone she came over to my house. I wanted to go out to see a movie and have dinner but she asked if we could just watch a movie in my room. She came over and just sat on my couch about 2 metres from my bed. I was in bed trying to keep warm as my room is big and I have no heater. I told her to come and lay down with me but she said no because every time she lies with me I always try to have sex with her. I got pissed off at this point but kept it hidden and calmly explained to her that its normal for 22 y/o males to be like that and I have been very understanding of her. I tried to tell her we are in a relationship etc and its not my fault I want to cuddle with her under the blankets on a cold winter's night. I suggested to have dinner out of my room because I knew we have been having sex a lot and she would need a break but she just didn't acknowledge my attempt to cater for her PTSD.

After this she got stressed and started doubting getting back together because the same problems are arising again. I told her this is really not a big deal and if she is going to break things off because of arguments like this then she just shouldn't be in a relationship. She then asked me what I was doing on the weekend, I said working and then asked her if she wanted to hang out. She said she was busy on friday night because she was having drinks in town with her work friend, saturday it was her mum's b-day (fair enough) and sunday was her grandfather's b-day. Sunday being her grandfather's birthday is a lie because I can remember him having his birthday last october and she only has one grandfather. I asked her about not seeing me on the weekend and she replied "I saw you a lot last weekend. I can't see you every weekend"... She then told me she should find someone more self-confident about not seeing her everyweekend... I was pissed off by this. I mean is it too much to ask to see the girl I' am supposed to be exclusive with more than once a fortnight?

I don't know if I should make allowences for this behaviour simply because she has PTSD... EVERY SINGLE PERSON I have asked has told me to get rid of her as she doesn't give a f*ck about me and it just using me. They all think shes playing me and seeing other guys. They say its an open-relationship however I can't explain to them she has PTSD... She seems to genuinely like me when we are together but will readily see her girlfriends from work for drinks rather than be with me... is this ptsd behaviour or do I have a selfish manipulator on my hands. She even admitted to me when we were chatting the first time we caught up, how badly she treated me and was selfish. She said if she didn't feel like catching up after arranging something she'd just cancel at the last minute.

 

[Smorck5]

This is really tough cause your both young and it is possible that she doesn't even have a full grip on whats going on with her yet. That being said maybe you could ask her what her triggers are like for me I don't like being rushed so even if my husband is being helpful by keeping track of the time I will flip out. So him knowing this allows for us to avoid some fights. One thing I know for sure is no girl with or without PTSD likes to be told its not a big deal when we are upset ;)! All kidding aside even if you think her feelings are exaggerated, you have to understand that is truly how she feels. If you can acknowledge that you understand her feelings and vaildate them that's all we can really ask for from our partners.

Keep in mind that PTSD is not a pass to be a jerk and treat you badly so it is something that you two really need to talk about and work on together.

Good luck,
~S~

 

[ironbird]

She is in denial about having PTSD. She will still try and argue that she doesn't have it. She isn't getting any therapy nor does she plan to any time soon.

She just seems so out of touch with reality. I mean she wants to be with someone who cares for her at the same time wants someone who is ok with not seeing her for 2 weeks sometimes. I told her that if she ever finds someone who is ok with that then they are just out to use her and don't really care about her.

It just seems like she will hang out with me when it suites her. I'm aware that if shes not coping with her stress then she will need her own space but then she tells me shes going out drinking with her girlfriends from work... Maybe hanging out with the guy she has feelings for her is stressful to her in large amounts and she can only handle so much of me?

She just doesn't want to change her behaviour and is coming up with reasons why its my fault... i.e. me not being self-confident enough...

Is she in the wrong here or is her behaviour part of her illness?

 

[Smorck5]

I would say a little of both! When I get set off by a trigger my first instinct is to blame my husband but because I can use some coping skills I've learned I can calm down and realize it has nothing to do with him. So yes I would be in the wrong for blaming him and making him feel bad for something that is my issue, but yes that impulse to blame him is part of my PTSD.

Bottom line if she's not seeking help things will most likely only get worse. Its not your job to fix her, you can only support her and if she's not ready for help then there isn't much you can do.

Good Luck,
~S~

 

[MurphyJB]

If I remember correctly, you don't even know if she has PTSD...right?

 

[ironbird]

We have still been dating and we have run into a few problems. Problems like her cancelling on our arranged hang-outs 5 minutes before shes due to arrive. Forgetting to call me was the one just yesterday. I got angry and sent her a text message saying I can't put up with this crap. IWe agreed on saturday that she would ring me on sunday and we'd hang out that day etc, but sunday night rolls around and no call... She sent me a message back saying I' am getting too angry over something so small like being forgotton.

As a result we had a big conversation. She said a few alarming things. She really confused me good too.

She talked about our relationship and some how we got onto the subject of being exclusive. She told me that the only reason we are monogomous is because I wanted to be. She said she agreed because she wanted to be with me. She was making it sound as if she didn't care. So I questioned her about all her jealous behaviour, her constant questioning me about other girls, the way her face changes when she gets paranoid, the fact SHE TOLD ME last time we were going out that it WOULD bother her. She then said it is hard for her to explain but said it WOULDN'T bother her if she didn't know about it... This really confused me. I mean It wouldn't bother me if I didn't know the world was going to end tomorrow but I still wouldn't want it to happen! I also questioned her about if she didn't want to be in a monogomous relationship, then does she want to see other men? She said she only wants me. I also asked her if she was hinting that she'd remain exclusive to me whilst I had other women and built some kind of harem up (lol), she was quick to say thats not what she meant. At least this time she admits to having feelings for me unlike last time, I was on here pondering over how she said she didn't feel anything. But she couldn't deny it this time as shes the one who wanted us to get back together.

I think this is a defence mechanism shes using and also part of a condition some of you may know called Alexithymia where people have problems identifying their emotions and putting them into words. They think with more logic. She was kind of logically telling me she has feelings, doesn't want me to cheat and would be hurt. But it came out sounding weird. I made it clear this time that manipulating me by denying her true feelings and making out she doesn't care is hurtful, unattractive and I see through it.

I don't think I was asking too much by just at leasting getting a text message saying she was too tired or had forgot, but she didn't even send that. So it made me mad. Then this conversation started and I got really mind f*cked by it. PTSD or not she has to learn how to treat people.

 

[Reclusive]

Ironbird - I understand that you care about this young woman a great deal. I strongly caution you against diagnosing her yourself as you've been doing - that is for professionals to do. You've diagnosed her with PTSD and now Alexithymia. It sounds like you're trying to find a way to excuse behavior that you already know is unacceptable.

That said, it sounds to me like she wants to have an unofficially committed relationship without any pressure. Pressure would be commitment to certain maintenance behaviors, like seeing someone regularly and considering their needs as well as her own. I would treat the relationship as casual and make sure to establish firm boundaries.

 

[MurphyJB]

Alright.
I'm going to try to say all of this as nicely as possible.
You don't know that she has PTSD or Alexithymia. You don't know that she's manipulating you by denying feelings.
You are making all sorts of ASSUMPTIONS.
If she does in fact have PTSD, you need to be WAY more understanding. If she doesn't, then you've spent all this time making excuses for her and where has that gotten you?

 

[OKRADLAK]

You need to make your own choices. If you can't tolerate her behavior then it's on YOU to stop the relationship.

If she has PTSD this is only the beginning. Wait till you get intimate and she tries to scratch your eyes out. If you can't stand her cancelations at the last minute, you cannot handle PTSD.

However, I agree you CANNOT dx her yourself. It is HER MIND and her life. She has to ask for help. You, however, can ask for help for your own problems in dealing with her.

You know how it is. When you get in a relationship you have to take the person as they are.

 

[Crl1983]

Ptsd or no, If you both don't want the same things in a relationship it is never going to work. You want things to get more serious and she seems to want things to remain casual. What if you date her for 5 or 10 years and she still doesn't want it to get serious with you? What if she never wants a more serious relationship, what if she never wants to live with you, what if she never wants to get married? If she is never able to give what you need in a relationship (and it does sound like you want the relationship to progress), you are not ever going to be happy, and in turn you are going to make her unhappy if you push and prod or lay guilt on her down the road. Think about it. Is this what you really want? You don't seem to be handling it too well.

 

[ironbird]

I forgot to add, in the time we were apart she was diagnosed with PTSD. I have just researched enough about it to have stumbled across Alexithymia. I can see major traits in her.

So what now?

 

[MurphyJB]

Alright, well I'm glad she got a diagnosis.
IMO you need to be A LOT more understanding.
You sending her angry text messages simply because she forgot to call you is a little ridiculous.
Just my opinion.