Seeking_Nirvana
Diamond Member
Shiraz, I recently cut myself for the first time ever. I was so mad at my SIL for insinuating my mental illness (PTSD) causes me to see green when everyone else sees blue. I can see through BS just as good as the next person.
She is a master manipulator who uses people as her pawns, and I finally had enough of her abuse. I wanted to hit her but she is pregnant. I couldn't continue arguing with her because she said that I was stressing her out while pregnant. (For some reason when I started yelling at her, the fact she was pregnant slipped my mind, which is strange because her stomach was sticking way out) All I could see was anger.
When she said I was a horrible person for arguing with her while pregnant I stopped seeing anger and got scared that I would cause her to miscarry or something would go wrong with her unborn baby.
Then I felt ashamed that I argued with her while pregnant, and in the same instance I was so mad and needed to let it out. I didn't know what to do other than take it out on someone else, or myself.
At first, the thought of suicide came into play, and then when I couldn't go through with it, I just kept cutting until I felt that pain instead of the insult of being sexually abused and having PTSD.
I read about people cutting and never understood it because I would just go around and argue with who ever I wanted when they harmed me with mind games or other forms of verbal abuse. But I finally realized that I can't do that to someone who is pregnant or vulnerable.
While I realize that I took a great step forward in not continuing to yell at her after realizing her vulnerable state, I also took a step back in taking it out on myself. I think it's better this way until I get it straightened out to where no one has to get harmed (verbally or otherwise)
People have other ways of harming themselves other than cutting. For instance, drinking so much they can't walk, and then do risky behaviors. It's the same fixation, only played out differently. That type of self harm doesn't get the same rap as cutting because it's less obvious.
I was ashamed that suicide slipped back into my thinking after I had done an excellent job at keeping it out of my mind for a long time. I was ashamed of loosing my temper, and then cutting. Then I was ashamed I went into the hospital over all of these issues and wondered what everyone is thinking about me. I was ashamed I blamed my SIL for using my mental illness to hurt me to the core of my being, which caused me to think about suicide and end up cutting myself, when it was "my" own choice.
I realized I can't change her vindictivness or anyone else, but I "have" to change the way I react to hurtful comments and deal with my anger more effectively.
I calmed down within a couple of days, and realized that it was a slip up and moved on.
What matters to me now, is what do "I" think of "me". I can't please everyone and I truly am sorry that I scared my husband. But he will work through it, and if he can't he will leave. I gave him my blessing to go if he can't handle my slip-ups while I'm trying to heal.
I hope you can tell him you didn't mean to upset him, and then let him deal with it from there so you can totally focus on "your" healing. I know it's hard and seems selfish because you care about him, but I believe it will slow you down in healing if you carry that shame around with you.
Hugs
Tammy
She is a master manipulator who uses people as her pawns, and I finally had enough of her abuse. I wanted to hit her but she is pregnant. I couldn't continue arguing with her because she said that I was stressing her out while pregnant. (For some reason when I started yelling at her, the fact she was pregnant slipped my mind, which is strange because her stomach was sticking way out) All I could see was anger.
When she said I was a horrible person for arguing with her while pregnant I stopped seeing anger and got scared that I would cause her to miscarry or something would go wrong with her unborn baby.
Then I felt ashamed that I argued with her while pregnant, and in the same instance I was so mad and needed to let it out. I didn't know what to do other than take it out on someone else, or myself.
At first, the thought of suicide came into play, and then when I couldn't go through with it, I just kept cutting until I felt that pain instead of the insult of being sexually abused and having PTSD.
I read about people cutting and never understood it because I would just go around and argue with who ever I wanted when they harmed me with mind games or other forms of verbal abuse. But I finally realized that I can't do that to someone who is pregnant or vulnerable.
While I realize that I took a great step forward in not continuing to yell at her after realizing her vulnerable state, I also took a step back in taking it out on myself. I think it's better this way until I get it straightened out to where no one has to get harmed (verbally or otherwise)
People have other ways of harming themselves other than cutting. For instance, drinking so much they can't walk, and then do risky behaviors. It's the same fixation, only played out differently. That type of self harm doesn't get the same rap as cutting because it's less obvious.
I was ashamed that suicide slipped back into my thinking after I had done an excellent job at keeping it out of my mind for a long time. I was ashamed of loosing my temper, and then cutting. Then I was ashamed I went into the hospital over all of these issues and wondered what everyone is thinking about me. I was ashamed I blamed my SIL for using my mental illness to hurt me to the core of my being, which caused me to think about suicide and end up cutting myself, when it was "my" own choice.
I realized I can't change her vindictivness or anyone else, but I "have" to change the way I react to hurtful comments and deal with my anger more effectively.
I calmed down within a couple of days, and realized that it was a slip up and moved on.
What matters to me now, is what do "I" think of "me". I can't please everyone and I truly am sorry that I scared my husband. But he will work through it, and if he can't he will leave. I gave him my blessing to go if he can't handle my slip-ups while I'm trying to heal.
I hope you can tell him you didn't mean to upset him, and then let him deal with it from there so you can totally focus on "your" healing. I know it's hard and seems selfish because you care about him, but I believe it will slow you down in healing if you carry that shame around with you.
Hugs
Tammy
