I've been reading and have now calmed down a bit and feel like I can better express myself without so much emotion. (End note...maybe not.)
Tater is still having a difficult time. It's been one thing after another for weeks. That could be due more to his bad mood turning molehills into mountains rather than tangible things creeping up on him and knocking him back down...though those exist as well.
He's got things going on which have got him scared, concerned, and raging. He got into a fight with his drunk neighbor and had to defend himself from attack with a jab to the neighbor's throat before he could extricate himself from the situation. ATOS is calling several times a day, again! He's having memory issues and doesn't remember what day he did his replen on. And he's fairly isolated from me, emailing every 2 to 3 days and still on the once a month skyping schedule...and therein lies my real problem.
He is volunterily writing me. Or when it's been an unusal amount of days that I haven't heard from him, I'll write and request a line letting me know he's okay. He'll reply instantly which I appreciate very much.
My problem is that I don't feel like the first problem in mid April, which brought me to the board, was fully resolved. I freaked him out with my relationship talk and he threatened to cut it off altogether, if you remember. That's "okay," everyone has disagreements and POVs. And I know now to take what is said while overflowing with a grain of salt. Sucks that it happened, but we did good work building things back up. He was writing nearly everyday from mid May to the beginning of August. Reduced skyping, but I had confidence we would get back there in time. Then the landslide with him started (which thank God, had nothing to do with me doing or saying something to set him off) and it's been cascading ever since.
He says he doesn't want to think about the stuff that's stressing him out, but he won't allow himself to talk, physically, to me because he's down. I can be understanding, but I don't understand! If he wants to stop thinking about THAT, then he should talk to me and we can discuss THIS! I know for a fact that when we skype, even if he starts out in a bad headspace, he will talk it out and vent for 10 minutes, but then he feels a bit better, loosens up, and we chat for hours about whatever, laughing all the while. So that works! Yet he denies himself now. It's so stupid!
I get it! You're stressed to the max. But I've been sooooo damn patient with him, letting him do things on his terms and not pushing, trying to let things run their course, but it's not working. Insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The obvious solution to me is a win-win for both of us. TALK TO ME!
I asked him yesterday if he wanted to skype today...as usual (it seems) he's not up to it, he'll "aim for next weekend."
I'm reaching a point where I'm getting very frustrated and starting to take it personally. I can't help but wonder if the not skyping thing is still him exercising his...power? Rules? Illness? over me. He said back in April that we'd only skype once a month, and by God, that's still what we're doing even though I thought it was temporary until he calmed down. Unfortunately, all this shit has kicked up again and he's not calm anymore.
I know, logically, I know, that he's not using his stress and PTSD as a false excuse to not chat with me. Had we not had that good 2.5 months of writing and if he was doing good and jovial now in his letters, that would be another story completely! However, it's gone on so long that now my damn psyche is second guessing everything and is looking for a reason, other than stress, why he isn't talking to me much. It easily seems to forget about the good 2.5 months since Operation Love Bomb and I have to remind myself. It reasons that it's not him because he's still talking to his army buddy every week. So that leaves me as the problem.
He complained to me about his buddy before. He also has PTSD and if he doesn't get enough Tater time he whines until he does. But then when Tater has something he wants to discuss, buddy may not be available for him because he's with his girlfriend. Hello! Double standard much? I am ALWAYS available to Tater...do I need to start whining, too, to get the level of attention that I seek?
Why do they isolate from the person who cares the most? Yeah, his buddy has known him for forever, through thick and thin. They love each other and have a bond forged in fire, but it's different from the love we have for each other...romantic love is obsessive and whole-hearted. It takes over you're entire life (in someone who doesn't have PTSD), for him...I think it made him happy and he could more easily forget his troubles and relax.
Not only is he maybe truly not in a mood to talk, but he thinks he's doing me a favor by not exposing me to his grumpy, angry, scared side - he's actually told me this before. It is the exact opposite of what I need and want though! I need connection and intimacy, which includes his trust that I can handle his emotions. You know what happens when you isolate for loooong periods of time and your partner isn't getting much reassurance that you're still interested in this thing? It fades.
I want to tell him all this. That he needs to make more of an effort to include me because I'm feeling severely neglected. Can I do that, talk it out like a normal relationship? Fook no! That'll send him back into his shell in a blink and if I cross that line, he may never come out again.
Where is the line between giving him the space he needs and being assertive about my own needs? I'd be so happy with skyping every 2 weeks. It's a good step back in the right direction and would bolster my confidence back up. Is that something I can ask for now, when he's stressed? Or will it tip him over the edge?
I'm not going to reply to his email right away, lest I say something not so nice (or needy) and he can't handle it right now. I am upset and insecure. I feel like being immature and petty and not writing at all for a few days. Complete radio silence. I don't want to punish him (or maybe I do), but I also kinda want him to feel the way he makes me feel...assuming not hearing from me would have the same effect...it would certainly be out of the norm.
He needs to know how I feel so he can address it, but I'm at a loss about what to say without him bolting for the nearest exit.
I won't do that. I know it's stupid. But those are the thoughts roaring through my head and I'm sure you've also been there a time ot two as well. Certain people would flame me for saying this kind of stuff - what they don't understand is that there is a difference between being honest with your thoughts and feelings and acting on them. No one is pure and perfect, we all need to vent and make sense of our emotions sometimes. This is mine.
Tater is still having a difficult time. It's been one thing after another for weeks. That could be due more to his bad mood turning molehills into mountains rather than tangible things creeping up on him and knocking him back down...though those exist as well.
He's got things going on which have got him scared, concerned, and raging. He got into a fight with his drunk neighbor and had to defend himself from attack with a jab to the neighbor's throat before he could extricate himself from the situation. ATOS is calling several times a day, again! He's having memory issues and doesn't remember what day he did his replen on. And he's fairly isolated from me, emailing every 2 to 3 days and still on the once a month skyping schedule...and therein lies my real problem.
He is volunterily writing me. Or when it's been an unusal amount of days that I haven't heard from him, I'll write and request a line letting me know he's okay. He'll reply instantly which I appreciate very much.
My problem is that I don't feel like the first problem in mid April, which brought me to the board, was fully resolved. I freaked him out with my relationship talk and he threatened to cut it off altogether, if you remember. That's "okay," everyone has disagreements and POVs. And I know now to take what is said while overflowing with a grain of salt. Sucks that it happened, but we did good work building things back up. He was writing nearly everyday from mid May to the beginning of August. Reduced skyping, but I had confidence we would get back there in time. Then the landslide with him started (which thank God, had nothing to do with me doing or saying something to set him off) and it's been cascading ever since.
He says he doesn't want to think about the stuff that's stressing him out, but he won't allow himself to talk, physically, to me because he's down. I can be understanding, but I don't understand! If he wants to stop thinking about THAT, then he should talk to me and we can discuss THIS! I know for a fact that when we skype, even if he starts out in a bad headspace, he will talk it out and vent for 10 minutes, but then he feels a bit better, loosens up, and we chat for hours about whatever, laughing all the while. So that works! Yet he denies himself now. It's so stupid!
I get it! You're stressed to the max. But I've been sooooo damn patient with him, letting him do things on his terms and not pushing, trying to let things run their course, but it's not working. Insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The obvious solution to me is a win-win for both of us. TALK TO ME!
I asked him yesterday if he wanted to skype today...as usual (it seems) he's not up to it, he'll "aim for next weekend."
I'm reaching a point where I'm getting very frustrated and starting to take it personally. I can't help but wonder if the not skyping thing is still him exercising his...power? Rules? Illness? over me. He said back in April that we'd only skype once a month, and by God, that's still what we're doing even though I thought it was temporary until he calmed down. Unfortunately, all this shit has kicked up again and he's not calm anymore.
I know, logically, I know, that he's not using his stress and PTSD as a false excuse to not chat with me. Had we not had that good 2.5 months of writing and if he was doing good and jovial now in his letters, that would be another story completely! However, it's gone on so long that now my damn psyche is second guessing everything and is looking for a reason, other than stress, why he isn't talking to me much. It easily seems to forget about the good 2.5 months since Operation Love Bomb and I have to remind myself. It reasons that it's not him because he's still talking to his army buddy every week. So that leaves me as the problem.
He complained to me about his buddy before. He also has PTSD and if he doesn't get enough Tater time he whines until he does. But then when Tater has something he wants to discuss, buddy may not be available for him because he's with his girlfriend. Hello! Double standard much? I am ALWAYS available to Tater...do I need to start whining, too, to get the level of attention that I seek?
Why do they isolate from the person who cares the most? Yeah, his buddy has known him for forever, through thick and thin. They love each other and have a bond forged in fire, but it's different from the love we have for each other...romantic love is obsessive and whole-hearted. It takes over you're entire life (in someone who doesn't have PTSD), for him...I think it made him happy and he could more easily forget his troubles and relax.
Not only is he maybe truly not in a mood to talk, but he thinks he's doing me a favor by not exposing me to his grumpy, angry, scared side - he's actually told me this before. It is the exact opposite of what I need and want though! I need connection and intimacy, which includes his trust that I can handle his emotions. You know what happens when you isolate for loooong periods of time and your partner isn't getting much reassurance that you're still interested in this thing? It fades.
I want to tell him all this. That he needs to make more of an effort to include me because I'm feeling severely neglected. Can I do that, talk it out like a normal relationship? Fook no! That'll send him back into his shell in a blink and if I cross that line, he may never come out again.
Where is the line between giving him the space he needs and being assertive about my own needs? I'd be so happy with skyping every 2 weeks. It's a good step back in the right direction and would bolster my confidence back up. Is that something I can ask for now, when he's stressed? Or will it tip him over the edge?
I'm not going to reply to his email right away, lest I say something not so nice (or needy) and he can't handle it right now. I am upset and insecure. I feel like being immature and petty and not writing at all for a few days. Complete radio silence. I don't want to punish him (or maybe I do), but I also kinda want him to feel the way he makes me feel...assuming not hearing from me would have the same effect...it would certainly be out of the norm.
He needs to know how I feel so he can address it, but I'm at a loss about what to say without him bolting for the nearest exit.
I won't do that. I know it's stupid. But those are the thoughts roaring through my head and I'm sure you've also been there a time ot two as well. Certain people would flame me for saying this kind of stuff - what they don't understand is that there is a difference between being honest with your thoughts and feelings and acting on them. No one is pure and perfect, we all need to vent and make sense of our emotions sometimes. This is mine.
