I can’t bear therapy again.

[Purplbutterfly12323]

I’ve been on the waiting list for therapy for a very long time and just had a letter to say I’m starting long term therapy again soon! To say I’m dreading it would be a understandment. I did therapy a year ago for 2 years and in that time I lose everything, my boyfriend, job, house...mind! It was like the moment I started talking about my trauma I just couldn’t cope. I couldn’t work I couldn’t process anything or function in day to day life. I just don’t feel strong enough to do it again. To talk about it in more detail. I know I Need to as the trauma has a huge impact on my life and I know this therapy will help but I can’t face it. In this past year I’ve got a job, new place and things starting to look up. Seen getting the news I’m starting again my head started to go to pot and I’m feeling awful. I just don’t know how to cope with this again? How to find the strength? Last time I just checked out of life this time that’s not an option I don’t want to lose my home and job.

 

[EveHarrington]

A good therapist will make sure that you know a lot of coping skills, grounding skills, and self soothing methods before having you talk about the trauma.

 

[Freida]

Start slow. Stay within your tolerance...remember it's a marathon not a sprint

 

[UnicornSightings]

Then don’t. You don’t have to. If things are better than they were then don’t. If you’re already feeling resistance it’s not gonna go well. Take a breath and just live your life right now. You can always change your mind when things are different.

 

[nowthisisme]

Why do you want to start therapy again? If your stable and life is getting better without it then why do you need to rattle the cage?

Take a brake you don't HAVE TO go back unless there is something else you didn't mention. But if you start take is very slow, let you T know what you just told us and I'm sure she will be able to work with you and you can always stop if you feel overwhelmed.

 

[MyWillow]

Therapy does not have to be re-traumatising. Stability is everything. Coping skills, self care etc. I’ve even started trauma sensitive yoga which I find incredibly challenging and even panic inducing at times. I don’t have much memory to work with but even so my T said we just aren’t going there for at least 6-12 months. Because whilst my left brain doesn’t remember very much my body certainly does.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you for sharing. It's relevant for me too so I shall be watching out to see what others say here. Reading between the lines I am guessing things have improved but you are still suffering a lot and want something more in your life than where you are at. The other thing I worry about is the possibility of undealt with trauma rearing up later on when I may be even less equipped to treat it and feel less in the drivers seat. I do try to tell myself that our brains will only let us go as fast as it is safe for them to go. Otherwise there is major fallout. Been there too so relate and am not quite sure how I survived the aftermath of my last lot of therapy and the first proper trauma therapy I had.

 

[New]

If talking about it is what hurts then don’t do it. Make sure your therapist knows as well. They can do other things to help you.

As others have said go slow.

Just make sure you are ready.

Whatever your decision, we are here for you.

Let us know how it goes if you decide. Sending hugs if you accept.

 

[Purplbutterful]

Thank you so much for the replies and support. It’s been really helpful so I’m so grateful for everyone taking the time to reply. And thank you for the hugs faith andrews.
I know it may seem silly to go back to therapy with things looking up but I don’t have much choice as I was a Nhs waiting list so if I don’t do it now I won’t able to do it later.
I think one of the things I’m worrying about is I feel the pressure to rush it and like there isn’t enough time. The new therapist is a psychologist specialising in my trauma which is hard to come by on the Nhs. I have limited sessions with her up to 30 Sessions i believe. I have tried private therapists but they were totally out of there depth and didn’t help me at all. I find it very difficult to pay for private therapy. I think what’s making the thought of this so unbearable is the idea that we run out of time. That’s what happened last time, I run out of Nhs funding and was put back on the waiting list.
Yes, things are a lot better then they were but my life is still hugely affected by the trauma maybe that problem is I’m just good at avoiding it which caused many problems.

 

[New]

I struggle with short sessions as well. That is why I love this forum. It is a great feeling to be understood.

Also understand avoidance. I do it as well and it has not helped me. But.. Someone else gave great advice to me about processing each trauma and not to move forward until you are able to process the trauma. This helped me realize sometimes I was avoiding because it became so hard to process and I just needed a break.

I’m sure you already know all of this so I don’t know why I’m rambling on. :).

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thanks for adding more info. Ok, if I was in your situation this is what I would do:

I don’t know when your therapy starts but I’d start putting a plan in place. There are goals you will need for therapy. 30 sessions is not a lot but you know what, it’s gonna have to be enough. So goal 1 absolutely for me would be work with your new t on a plan for after. If things aren’t great and you’re not stable what happens after. You work with her/him on that immediately and come back to it when that worry arises. Next, you’re stable now. It’s important to maintain that since you derailed after your last round of therapy I believe you said. So the next goal is working on maintaining the strength you have now. Therapy I will push you but only as far as you allow it to. Remember that. You have the power here. Do not go along with something you think may break you. Then I would look at what areas of my life I want help with AND that can be helped in the timeframe. I’d pick the biggest ones that I don’t think I’d be able to find alternate support for.

I’d write a plan. And edit it until it feels really good. If you need emotional coping skills and things to stay grounded learn that stuff first. Learn things first that will make it ok when things aren’t ok. Don’t wait til you’re in hell. You can do this.

 

[Missycat]

I would agree with the comments everyone has made. You may also want to consider meeting with her and telling her your concerns and fears, ask for her view on the max 30 sessions. Maybe she sees clients privately and has a sliding scale etc ? (Once the 30 have ended) As she is specialised in your type of trauma it might just be worth seeing her and then maling your decision .. she may be the person you have been waiting for to help you.