I Can’t Do Therapy

[brokenpony]

therapy and recovery is crawling for me.

another session spent avoiding the topic. awkward session. i can’t seem to get to the point of talking. i get frustrated that i’m not moving forward and so answer therapist’s questions about other life issues with one word clipped answers. i don’t want to talk about work!

today it was going poorly because i was answering this way, i’m not doing the work while he’s working really hard to fish for things to talk about, and he basically said we could either go to biweekly sessions or “try harder.” so try harder it is.

he brought up something i wrote about it last month and asked what lessons i learned from my experiences and said we need to think about the present as well as the past. that it should be half and half. ok but i don’t want to think about anything. sometimes i just want to die.

and the thing is i talked about a few small related things briefly, baby steps kind of, and spent the entire afternoon in flight mode. and i’m still in it. i feel so panicked and upset. i’m drinking whiskey now. i barely said anything!

i’m discouraged. i think we both are.

at this point i think i’m just going to table this issue and plan something else to talk about next week so he doesn’t dump me. i have a drunk statutory rape from my early teens that still really upsets me that i can talk about instead. i want to show him a good faith effort and an offering of trust. i think i can talk about this without freaking out and maybe it will make it easier to talk about the harder thing.

i know i just need to take the plunge but i’m scared.

how did you do it?

 

[Kubash16]

I think it partially depends on your innate comfort level with the therapist. I had a couple other counselors in the past who I just couldn’t talk to and then I capitulated and decided to try again. Randomly chose another therapist and something about him just did something to me. By the second session he knew more about me than everyone else I know. He didn’t even have to try all that hard. I spilled to him right away about a particularly bad thing. By the next session after that I was in complete panic mode and freaking out at him for getting that out of me. He was amazing, something in his voice and calmness was able to talk me down and relax a little. Give it time but make sure you find someone you are comfortable with.

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe you’re not ready?

Is he working on teaching you coping skills, grounding skills, and self soothing skills?

I think that it’s imperat to start with skill building. If Pandora’s box gets blown open, it’s best if you have a set of skills to work with.

I’m concerned that you’re drinking, even before anything major is discussed. This tells me that you’re not ready to talk about the traumas yet.

:hug:

 

[brokenpony]

I think it partially depends on your innate comfort level with the therapist. I had a couple other counselors in the past who I just couldn’t talk to and then I capitulated and decided to try again. Randomly chose another therapist and something about him just did something to me. By the second session he knew more about me than everyone else I know. He didn’t even have to try all that hard. I spilled to him right away about a particularly bad thing. By the next session after that I was in complete panic mode and freaking out at him for getting that out of me. He was amazing, something in his voice and calmness was able to talk me down and relax a little. Give it time but make sure you find someone you are comfortable with.

yeah i’m trying to figure out if it’s comfort. the thing is i like him. and i am super private and guarded in general. so it’s hard for me to tell if it’s me or him.

 

[Ronin]

You are worried about not being dumped...

... maybe he should be worried about you not dumping him?
Since it is not even that kind of a relationship, you are paying a professional to help you, and if he is not doing that (and challenging yourself with something unhelpful and how much you can turn that into helpful, instead, is not what you are in for)... then maybe looking for someone you would be more comfortable is in order?

And as to talking, I don’t, about trauma things I mean, not other than in hints. Since the guy still follows a line of other therapists I had, way different life experiences and assumptions in the way of hearing. The things I can’t talk about, I try with nondescript details that are extremely sticking out to me, or nothing at all, since letting suicidality run amok without people who read me / are anchoring or the very least stabilizing, is not really on my to do list.

How I do the break the wall and talk about it, in general? Via contrasts. As in I know what bothers me, usually, just not the exact subtle reason it bothers me that much / check with what is different about what commonly bothers people about it, and points of difference. If I know the what and measure and moving the damn thing is still impossible, going at it from all angles I can with time, as somethings gotta give.

 

[grit]

I always wish therapists were more flexible than average people. If a therapist cannot sit in silence with you and be there for you truly and utterly what good is he then?

I honestly feel your pain. You can talk, or drink or have death wishes but at the end, you are a human who is asking for help. Why is this therapy pushing?

I know being assertive (even for me in certain situation not easy) but I wonder if you could just tell him, you want to sit with him and be silent until you get over your whatever.

In a casual conversation a woman told me one time, she sat in her therapy for 50 min and not one word and I was like what? Did your therapist at least try? She said nope and after the 50min he said OK see you next week.

Some of us need the silence in company which probably some of us never had peaceful silence. I know even the silence bothers you but maybe if you own it, the pain may lessened.

I wish you could have the silence and I also hope you take easy drinking if you are in this state but you know that already.