I can’t face another therapist quitting

[Justmehere]

I’m pretty sure my therapist is quitting her private practice soon. She said last week that she isn’t...

But I’m pretty convinced she is quitting. Getting a new therapist is next to impossible because of my trauma history being “complicated.” I know that eventually I can get a new one in another city, but it doesn’t help what I’m feeling now.

I keep telling myself all will be ok. We had just finally gotten to a hard subject and every time I get to this subject with any therapist, something happens and they quit. Maybe that is what is fueling my fear...

I texted her last week to set up a time this week, and she hasn’t texted back. We are both sick though so it could be that.

It’s all very unlike her. Every horrible belief about myself is screaming at me in my head: “I am horrible.”

 

[scout86]

“I am horrible.”

Well, you're not.

Is she in the habit of lying to you? If she is, it might not be a great loss, if she quits. If she's not........Maybe you could just believe what she told you, for now? Think of it as an experiment. (This is an approach I take ALL the time.) It's an experiment. "What would happen if I believed her when she says she's not quitting?" Play with that.

Besides that, how much of this stuff does she, for sure, know about? How much have you talked about with her? What did she say?

We had just finally gotten to a hard subject and every time I get to this subject with any therapist, something happens and they quit.

How many have quit on you at this point? Your current T knows about this, right?

 

[Justmehere]

The experiment idea is a good one!

"What would happen if I believed her when she says she's not quitting?" Play with that.

I’d calm down. I’d stop trying to apologize...

Besides that, how much of this stuff does she, for sure, know about? How much have you talked about with her? What did she say?

She knows it’s THE subject I’ve been avoiding for 18 months with her... she knows a little more each time I go in.

How many have quit on you at this point? Your current T knows about this, right?

4. Yeah. She knows. :( and my brain says that makes it more likely for her to quit. Like if the other therapists and clinics couldn’t handle it...

 

[scout86]

and my brain says that makes it more likely for her to quit.

I think you're brain might be wrong about this one. There's kind of two issues here, right? "The Problem" and then T's quitting when "The Problem" comes up, whether that's a coincidence or not? And they really seem, to me, like they're separate issues, related, for sure, but both need to be dealt with on their own. Because she KNOWS this, and knows how vulnerable you are, seems like she should be LESS likely to fulfill your expectations and quit.

Besides that, what ever this topic is, I'm 100% sure it can be handled. If, for what ever reason, she can't do it on her own, she's got some kind of obligation to help you deal with what she CAN help you with.

I totally get the fear.... You know, I heard a story on the radio the other day, about Olympic down hill skiers. Turns out most of them are terrified in the starting gate. The woman they were interviewing said, after a bad wreck a few years ago, she wanted to quit. (For pretty understandable reasons!) That night, alone in her room, she decided she needed to do "Fear Management". Instead of thinking about the wrecks, she was going to focus on the potential of things going right.

Where you're at, right now, in spite of the fear (justifiable fear), there's the potential for things going right. And, the only way to keep moving on the path of getting better is to face that fear and go through it. You're pretty tough and resilient. I think you can. But I also think talking about it here is good, and be SURE to discuss it at great length and in much detail with your T. :hug:

 

[Suzetig]

Could the others really not handle it or is that another form of cognitive distortion? What makes you think she's quitting private practice (other than you getting to "that" point in your process).

 

[Justmehere]

She and I have both been really sick for about 8 weeks. I worry she has figured out she can’t do her new practice, and her old private practice. I see her in her old private practice. She’s always had two jobs the entire time I’ve seen her.

Last week she was so sick, I told her I wouldn’t stay if she came so sick next time. She doesn’t need to push that hard for me. I’ll be ok. She said she usually works until someone tells her to go home... we laughed and joked... and she owned that she probably went too far... but now I’m worried. I told her if she needed to take a week off I’ll be ok... really... get better.... and we didn’t schedule the next appointment...or maybe we did and I’m just out of it...

She tends to set a regular time while I confirm it every week.

So I emailed and texted (once each) and asked about the next few appointments and she is silent. For almost a week. My regular time is tomorrow. She doesn’t go MIA like she has now... maybe I went too far? She is also sick. :/ and I did encourage her to take time off. So I’m telling myself, “stop being ridiculous jmh...” I thought she’d tell me if she was taking the week off,

I actually need to know from her if I am scheduled for my usual time tomorrow and to cancel if I am, because I’m sick.

Yes, I might be projecting massively in all of this.

She said if she takes time off, the job where I see her would be last. Because she likes it the best.

I’m not contagious but I’m paranoid that I got her sick with bronchitis. I told her I had a nightmare last week about her dying. No joke. I usually share things with her easily and she invites me to tell her of any negative or fearful feelings about her or therapy.

She says we likely got each other sick. My doc says that’s highly unlikely. We both likely got sick because of the bad flu season we are having here. And we are sick in very different ways.

As far as the subject, she knows it’s big and I’m struggling to come up with words and that it involves lots of confusing feelings about therapists. I usually push them away. She has a therapy style that deals with traumatic transference well, so she’s a really good fit for me. She knows I tend to give therapists reasons to quit when this comes up. I’m proud that this time, I haven’t overtly pushed her away... except I did just tell her to take time off. But she was sick!

:/

I’m reading this now, and realizing how ridiculous I must sound. If she was taking the week off, I’d be fine. I’d chill. It’s the sudden radio silence about scheduling that has me worried I just made my fear come true. Again.

With the last therapist, I worked so hard to imagine a good outcome. I crashed when she suddenly quit. I want everyone to be ok. It is calming to imagine things going ok. There is a CBT technique kinda like this...

As as I write this, I’m in urgent care with a fever of 102 realizing how much I shouldn’t trust my thinking.

 

[scout86]

I’m reading this now, and realizing how ridiculous I must sound.

You don't sound ridiculous at ALL. I can easily imagine myself running the same scenarios in my head. And, of course, it would all be MY fault. :bag:

From what you've said, it really sounds like she's sick. But, worrying about HOW sick is legit, because you like her as a person as well as as a T. And, you DO kind of have to know about your appointment. (When you cancel it because you're too sick to go, you might want to be sure she knows that's the reason. So SHE doesn't think it's about something else. Like you're upset because she was too sick to get back to you.)

Take care of yourself and recover!!!

 

[Suzetig]

Oh no, don't trust your thinking just now. In your place I'd pop her an email saying you can't remember if you firmed up your usual session tomorrow it that you are really ill and not able to make it. Say that you'll contact her when you feel better (to stop you worrying about when/whether she'll contact you) or that you'll plan to see her at X usual time next week.

Then, let it go until you're feeling physically better. You're not pathetic, you're sick, get well soon.

 

[Justmehere]

Omg. My brain. Seriously needs to chill. Now I’m worried if I cancel, then she’ll quit. I’ve been sick a long time. Like um, how about I not go when I’m sick....

Because going to an unconfirmed appointment in the snow with a fever of 102 - yeah, I think I can trust that would be the worst idea.

Thanks for helping me think this through a bit.

 

[Justmehere]

They just told me I tested positive for the flu, type B. I’m too sick to even cry. Stupid flu!!!

 

[Suzetig]

Flu is horrible, most folk I know who've had flu this year haven't been able to get out of bed. Get some rest, sleep, heal and then worry about therapy.

 

[Justmehere]

I texted my therapist, followed your advice @Suzetig. I asked her to ignore my feverish worry too. My therapist texted back, and reassured me anyhow. Said she is ok, we are ok, and she canceled me for tomorrow but we scheduled for next week and the week after... and she told me that someone made a good suggestion to take care of yourself last week. ;) That's so her.

No joke about the flu being awful. I was sick with bacterial pneumonia last month, and which probably made me extra vulnerable to the flu... and this flu feels worse! I don't usually get colds and such often, but seems like I'm making up for it this year. :(

Thanks all for helping me think this one through. It made a hard day a little easier. :)