I can’t handle “nice” people

[EveHarrington]

I can’t handle “nice” people.

My abusive dad is “nice”. Everyone thinks he’s such a nice guy. But I know the truth.

It sucks feeling guilty for kicking him out of my life, because, after all, he’s nice.

This is my biggest struggle. Staying away from him and not getting sucked in by the “nice” facade.

I’ve been dealing with this issue in therapy.

My ex and I have decided to stay friends. Tonight on the phone I was telling him about therapy, my dad, etc, and explained how I can’t handle “nice” people. After I hung up the phone I realized that I am struggling to be friends with my ex because he is nice! I’m struggling to accept that he genuinely cares about me in light of all the pain I feel.

My system has warning bells going off because nice=DANGER! Ugh. My ex is genuinely a good guy who cares about my well being and wouldn’t hurt me. (At least not in the conniving manipulative way that I’m expecting.) I’m having a hard time accepting his kind gestures, his care, and his concern because I’m constantly waiting for the knife in my back. (Which in my mind I’m expecting a ghosting or at the very best, being told “Sorry Eve, but I was wrong, I can’t be your friend.”) It’s getting to the point where I’m fighting tooth and nail to keep my defenses down so that it doesn’t become a self fulfilling prophecy. The “nice” thing makes me want to push him away with everything I’ve got.

Help?

I realize part of it is “he hurt me with the breakup so the niceness IS a facade!”......but this is very black and white thinking and not true.

I very much want this friendship so I want to figure out how to get a handle on this “nice” complex that I have. I know that not all nice people are going to stab me in the back, but it doesn’t stop the warning bells from going off.

Thoughts? Advice?

Thanks.

 

[EveHarrington]

Last night I had nightmares about this!

Ugh.

:-(

 

[Justmehere]

Being friends with an ex is hard as it is... using it as a way to get used to being nice? That might be a complicated thing to try to do in that relationship.

Are there other places where people are nice and you struggle to tolerate it? Perhaps you begin to practice a little self exposure to that niceness and then use distress tolerance skills to tolerate the distress and over tomenice wont be paired with Danger! But also with good things. Safety.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It sucks feeling guilty for kicking him out of my life, because, after all, he’s nice.

Toxic Nice People are the hardest to defend yourself against I think.

I very much want this friendship so I want to figure out how to get a handle on this “nice” complex that I have. I know that not all nice people are going to stab me in the back, but it doesn’t stop the warning bells from going off.

No wonder you have such a strong reaction to nice people. Your dad is not really a nice man is he? He is a master manipulator and he plays mental head games with you. I would start asking myself how is he nice? How does he play mental head games. I know that he does not love me so I cannot trust nice people. He set the tone for you with all of the truly kind people which your boyfriend sounds like a really kind person. This is just my opinion,,,mabe you could make several lists to be able to see outside of you the many different faces of your dad. It would be interesting to see if under each face which is which. I sure hope that this makes sense to you.:hug:

 

[nowthisisme]

I am reading your post and nodding my head, this is something i have been struggling with my whole life. Nice people = Evil/danger!

My abuser was and still is the nicest person anyone has ever meet, he always has a smile on his face and everyone welcomes him with open arms. He is a community man, always volunteering his time and helping families in need. Every one thinks he is such a wonderful guy .. :spitdummy:

So in my mind everyone that are always smilling are sick monsters. I find myself quietly cussing out a stranger just because the small talk was "too nice" ..

It's not easy .. so when it comes to relationships it gets VERY complicated. I've known my husband for 15 years. I love him very deeply and i am lost without him, he is my world BUT my guard does go up sometimes.

I recently realized why I step back and isolate myself from him and that's because he's so nice, when he would get me flowers i would roll my eyes .. I always thought that his nice gestures were to cover up his evil.

My T helped me a lot with that, we spent many session on this and she helped me realize the difference between my husband and the monster. I shouldn't put them both in the same boat. And most importantly i had to teach myself to accept his kind gestures.

Everyone is their own person and no one is perfect and my husband isnt perfect, he's not a nice guy, he walks out of a resturant when serves is too slow, he yells at customer serve reps, he shouts at bad drivers and has no patients for dumb people. He acts NOTHING like my abuser. He is nice to ME, to our family and loves ones. His heart melts when he sees a baby and cries at sad movies. He's nice to the people that matter to him not because he wants to look good or because he's hiding an evil secret.

Keep working with your T on this. Be true and honest about the way you feel, don't hold back and she'll help you realize not all nice people are evil.

:hug:

 

[Freida]

Right there with you!!! So often the "nicest" people turn out to be the most loathsome . And there is no way to tell at the beginning.

 

[EveHarrington]

So I told my mom tonight how I was struggling with my ex (“C”)because he is NICE!

She told me the difference between C and my dad is that C is genuine.

Hallelujah!

I figured it out! I think I can finally accept his care and concern for me. It’s been a month since we broke up and he’s still hanging on through rough times. He wouldn’t be caring about me in the way that he does unless it was genuine.

 

[Freida]

@EveHarrington that is awesome news!!!! yeah!!!

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

I'm nice and my boyfriend took that to his advantage and abused me because he thought I would never stand up for myself. Now I sort of hold myself back when it comes to trusting people because I trusted my boyfriend and put my guard down. I had no idea that the abuse was going to happen or anything.

Everyone see's him as wonderful, but I know the full truth about him. And he tells everyone how "crazy" I am which is a total lie.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm nice and my boyfriend took that to his advantage and abused me because he thought I would n...

Yep, that’s how nice/diabolical people work. They sucker you in by being fake/nice, and then they let you see their true colors.

It’s hard to tell who is real-nice from who’s fake-nice!

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t think I can handle the “nice” dynamic with my ex. I’ve put a pause on our friendship while I heal.

I’m dealing with the end of the relationship with my “nice” father. It’s too much to handle trying to fight the “nice” dynamic in 2 failed relationships. A royal mindf*ck if you will. In one relationship I’m trying to make myself believe that the “nice” is a facade with evil underneath, and that I need to stay away. In the other relationship I’m trying to make myself believe that the “nice” is real and to trust this person.

I CAN’T DO BOTH AT ONCE!

My poor brain is confused. My (IFST) parts are in chaos. It’s more important right now that I stay away from the fake nice/real evil than try to keep someone who is genuinely nice in my life.

Once again I’m pushing myself too hard and trying to do too much.

Taking a step back. Taking one thing at a time.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

The best way for cons is to pretend that they are the good guys. With a friendly smile. Sometimes I cannot deal with nice either. There is no defense against the nice person in the book creative aggression. I forget the author.

No defense at all because no wants to hurt the nice person. I feel guilt when I hurt a nice person's feelings because after all they are just being so nice.