Childhood I can’t see a way out

[Scott88]

why did it happen to me, why didn’t I stop it, why did I just push it away in my head for so many years and feel able to just push it away.. I can’t now.. I am struggling so much right now .. the flashbacks are terrifying the thoughts are terrifying the feelings are terrifying, I just don’t understand I am so disgusted with myself I am so scared when i see him in my dreams in my head I’m in therapy but I can’t see how this is ever going to go away I can’t see how I can ever stop this I just want it all to go away I just struggling so much how to cope with all this finding it so hard to ground right now I don’t know what’s going on

 

[Justmehere]

Try safe strong sensations - holding ice, chewing mint gum, etc, to bring yourself back to the here and now. Where it is over.

You were a child.

Children are not supposed to stop abuse.

They are supposed to be children. To play and learn and have the adults around them keep them safe. Reject your abusers blame. Don’t take that on. They were responsible for their actions. Not you.

It will get better.

 

[Still Standing]

Sounds like you might have been triggered? Do you have a dog? If so, take him for a walk. Better yet, take him to a dog park. It is amazing what a park full of dogs can do to pull you up out of your hole. If no dog, go for a walk! Force yourself to get active. Go get your favorite milkshake! Though your mind is attacking you, for the moment, you can walk through this episode. We all have been where you are. Heck, maybe tomorrow may be my turn, again. If tactile grounding isn't working, what about simply typing/writing out what you are feeling. Get all your emotion on paper. I know it is hard not to go into despair but you are worth while and what you experienced was not your fault. I think this is the hardest belief to adapt to...our innocence in the abuse..whether we see ourselves as participants or not. But, you were a victim. There is hope for a better tomorrow. Sometimes it takes walking through a lot of darkness to appreciate the rays of light shining through. With time those rays turn into full light with us able to look ahead with clearer vision. This is my hope and I encourage you to hang to this, too.:tup:

 

[frogthroat]

I'm there too. I just started therapy and my T is making me journal in detail about things that happened and it feels horrible but I'm making myself do it regardless. When I wake up I feel shame in the pit of my stomach and sometimes the visceral horror you're describing. Sometimes I start crying for no reason in the middle of my morning routine. It's really painful when it starts coming out. I think you should know though that this is a sign of progress. It's just going to be really painful for awhile.
I make myself stick to my obligations regardless of how I'm feeling and I'm enjoying the sense of strength and self control I'm getting from that. I've realized that this a long journey and it's going to take a long time to relearn how to live without abuse being so prevalent and invasive in my everyday life.
Please hang in there. The shame and guilt seem to be the hardest things to conquer but there's a life beyond this hell. What someone forced on you doesn't define you as a person or as an adult. I hope that you can have moments where you're gentle with yourself in this process.

 

[Scott88]

@Justmehere @Still Standing @frogthroat thank you for your replies

I don’t know where I was yesterday I wasn’t here, i was right there with him again. I can’t keep having this happen, I can’t cope with these feelings any more.

I should have stopped him though I didn’t , I was the one that walked into the room the first time, I was the one who said yes to play the game the first time and I was the one that still did what he said forever after. I was the one and it disgusts me to say it and it makes me feel sick to the stomach I liked the attention of him. I am so disgusted with myself. I just want all this to go back away, I don’t have anything else in my head I remember I used to be able to let it go, let it be pushed away, let it not stay in my head, Since giving birth to my daughter i can’t, instead I am there it’s hurting me now it’s terrifying

 

[frogthroat]

, I was the one who said yes to play the game the first time and I was the one that still did what he said forever after. I was the one and it disgusts me to say it and it makes me feel sick to the stomach I liked the attention of him.

Scott, that's what predators do. They make you feel like you have a choice in the matter when you actually don't. They also use the fact that you're taught to listen and obey adults against you. Once they ensnare you that's it. You do whatever they want in your fear and confusion.
Just because you wanted attention from an adult and he maybe did things to you at first that felt good or treated you really well or bought you gifts doesn't mean you consented or wanted your abuse. He groomed you and then once he knew your guard was down he tricked you with a "game." It's not your fault.
I'm the same age as you assuming the 88 is your birth year. When I see a 12 year old (which was the age I was when I first started being abused) I think wow what grown ass person would want to have sex with these babies? Secondly, I know if I was in a room with 12 year olds they would listen to me because I'm the adult. Kids are so impressionable. Look at a boy around the age you were when it first started happening and ask yourself does he look capable of fending off a grown man's sexual advances and mind games? I bet your answer would be no. Children aren't equipped to deal with those situations the way adults are. Plus, as a child you depend on adults to take care of you. You're completely helpless to make a living on your own.

 

[Scott88]

Scott, that's what predators do. They make you feel like you have a choice in the matter when you ac...

Yes I’m the same age but female not male. I get triggered every time I’m around kids the same age I was when it started. I was petrified and still am when I found out my child was going to be a girl, I’m petrified for her growing up.
I thank you for your reply I just can’t seem to shift the fact it was my fault no matter how many times I try to tell myself it wasn’t.. I can’t... I just don’t understand how i can ever get this to go away, I just want it all to, my T keeps telling me it won’t go away I will just have a different view on it and acknowledge it differently, I will never get to that point I know I will never be able to just accept it and it not hurt, scare, pain, disgust, control me. I’m sorry to burden you these last few months since I’ve had to start seeing a new T due to my old one going away on sick right after I admitted to him what happened to me have just been absolutely the worst, I have come so close so many times to letting go of everything and giving up but my daughter is holding me here at the minute,

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I should have stopped him though I didn’t

There's no way ever that a child could stop a perpetrator from doing something to them. I learned that the hard way when my main perp punished me for questioning what he was doing to me and others. I learned I was powerless to stop him.

One day you'll get to a point of acceptance and you'll pass the responsibility back to who it belonged to in the first place, the perp who did the vile things to you.

My stepson's age when I first met him triggered me. I had no idea what happened to me, that anything happened to me, until I met him and other things occurring that I was abused like I was.

At times I struggle with wanting to stop all the forward movement in my therapy because those memories are so horrendous. I've kept going though. Right now is one of those times I'll have to find another therapist like you had to. Believe me I've been through something similar with a T. And I've been through other things with Ts, like right now.

This isn't an easy slog.

You're not burdening us. Gentle hugs :hug::hug::hug: @Scott88 :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Scott88]

There's no way ever that a child could stop a perpetrator from doing something to them. I learned tha...

Thank you and I’m teally sorry your going through this too, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy

 

[Hopeforlife]

Hi Scott88,

I am terribly sorry you are going through this also. It’s such a horrible feeling that is a constant cycle. I do hope your new therapist can help you work through your pain.

I think my situation is similar to yours. I had been almost symptom free though for 15 years and now after the birth of my daughter became very unstable. All the doubts and what ifs, feelings of shame and guilt. At this moment the nightmares and flashbacks are tough. Trying to take a day at a time. Currently on meds and working in EMDR. It is really helping but I still have those real hard days. I don’t want to be a sad mum but that’s all I got some days. I try to focus on the goal of making sure I provide a safe upbringing for my children and everything else is a bonus.

It’s so tough sometimes but I look into my children’s eyes, at these babies who are new and innocent to the world and feel nothing but love.

Take it easy and virtual hugs.

 

[Scott88]

Hi Scott88,

I am terribly sorry you are going through this also. It’s such a horrible feeling th...

I could have written that myself..

Since the birth of my child I have entered a place I have never been before.. or if I have I do not remember. So much has come up, so much is affecting me that has never affected me like this before, it’s so bad right now since my old t left me, and Very struggling to handle it. I know what you mean about the guilt and shame there the words I guess that I am feeling but I find it so hard to express how I am feeling, I’m really bad at it...
My old T tried emdr and I couldn’t handle it, it effected me massively. My new T is working on stabilisation with me at the minute but right now all the techniques don’t seem to be always helping.

My daughter is such a trigger for me... I can’t handle her been around men, which is awful, even when she’s playing with her daddy, my husband it triggers me so bad, I can’t have her own dad bath her, I can’t leave her with men, even other male family members that I know are safe I just can’t, It triggers me so badly. My nightmares are so bad at the minute aswell, I’m waking up drenched and petrified to go to sleep, but when I’m awake the thoughts and images and everything it’s terrifying.
I just can’t accept all this, I can’t forgive myself and I can’t not blame myself. My heart goes out to you. And I’m so glad you can relate.

No I’m not glad that sounds awful.. I am not glad you can as I am mortified you had this happen, but if you get what I mean that I’m glad you understand... (I don’t mean to sound like I’m glad you are kind of in the same boat)

 

[Hopeforlife]

Hi Scotty88,

Bless you and sending you loads of strength!

It is extremely difficult. I can relate to what you are saying. Always being hyper vigilant of every scenario and every opportunity any person could have. The anxiety is terrible. I am now safe to have both my children at school and daycare but the doubt will never fully leave me. I trust my husband 100% but did speak to him about my anxiety. Anyone else is soooo difficult to be around or leave my children with especially family. Sounds crazy to some but makes perfect sense to me! Any way of eliminating opportunity. We live in entirely different countries than our families so it’s somewhat a little easier with no pressure to have family help but also leaves us in a situation where we never have a break. But I’m fine with that for now.

What’s been great for me at the moment is EMDR with inner child connection. It seems to be helping piece together my and child me and all of our insecurities. Luckily enough I have a great therapist that speaks great English so I am so grateful for that.

Are you on any meds? My T would not begin the therapy without them as she was afraid I was too unstable and worried I was masking PND along with everything else. Even now we are not in any deep trauma memories. It’s hell but the past few weeks I have felt a slight lift.

You talk about not being able to express how you feel! I have been the same but realised that has all came with the upbringing and the trauma. My parents are lovely people but I don’t remember ever being encouraged to show emotion , especially hurt and pain as it was seen as being weak. I also remember some bad things unrelated happening growing up and seeing my mother cry and thinking that if they never knew in the first place no one would ever feel hurt or cry. Sort of ties in with the manipulation from my abuser.

I understand what you are saying. I am gutted these things have happened and are still happening today.