I Can Only Look At My Child Trough The Filter Of My Own Pain

[Sterre]

Four years ago I become a mother of the most beautiful , smart and funny girl in the world!
I always doubted if I wanted to become a mother, because I was to afraid of making the same mistakes
( understatement) as my parents did. At age 36 I became a mom, and I’m very grateful for it! I love her very, very much.
I raise my daughter together with her father, as co-parents. Her father and I do not live together, and we don’t have a relationship. Besides being her mother and father we are also best friends and the parenting goes very smoothly and in great harmony. Once every two weeks she’s living with her father for some days. It really works out great for the three of us! So, basically we both are single parent’s, without the negative connotation that often goes along with it.

My C-PTSD symptoms have gotten worse since I have become a mother. My daughter reminds me everyday of the child I was and still carry inside me. Whenever my daughter is crying, I feel like she is crying because she feels alone, anxious and depressed. When I go and check on her before I go to bed, I look at her sweet sleeping face and feel so much pain for her, sometimes I start to cry.

There is no reason for me feeling so sorry for her, because her upbringing is very loving, safe and stabile. There is no violence, abuse or neglect in her life. There never has been any. The greatest worry on her mind is if she’s going to get honey on her sandwich instead of the, by her so dreaded cheese.
Still, I cannot help myself feeling hurt and very sorry for her. I know it’s projection coming from me, but sometimes it’s so confusing to live in this dual reality. I worry about the fact if I am able to see her for whom she is, instead of my ongoing projection of my childhood feelings on her. It feel like I’m constantly seeing myself as a child, instead of seeing and validating my wonderful girl.

Does anyone recognize this?

 

[Tinyflame]

Totally and I don't even have kids. Not always, but at some moments- of how 'small' a child is.

Just enjoy her-she has a wonderful mom :)

 

[AdamAnt]

I wonder if there's a way for the situation to help you with your own inner child... She must be so much like you, and maybe by comforting her, you could comfort yourself? I know I'm having an incomplete thought here, but wanted to post it anyway....

 

[Redtail]

Sterre, I commend you for actually recognizing this! I think part of what you are "feeling" in the way the world can be and want to protect her from the evils of the world. It is hard to have children after being a witness to the harsh parts of the dark side of people. I never knew what unconditional love was until I had children. I would do anything for them and would sacrifice anything to prevent them from dealing with what I have experienced.

Do it think it is healthy to think the way you have described? Not in the least, but I would bet a lot of us with kids have the same thoughts and feelings. We have forever been "changed" and the way we think. react, perceive,feel, love, and be or different then those who have not gone through traumatic events! Keep up the acknowledgement of your perceptions.

I also give you a lot of credit for working with your daughters father in maintain the loving upbringing. I am in the midst of a divorce after being with my wife for 19 years (14 years of marriage) and I have a hard time think about being friends with her.

 

[Sterre]

Junebug, Adamant and Redtail, thanks for your comments!

Just like you Redtail ( and probably many, many other parents on this forum) I never knew unconditional love until I became a mother. Without wanting to come across as a supermom floating on a pink cloud, it's really the most amazing and best thing that ever happend to me.

The fear of traumatizing, neglegting or abusing my child in any way possible, sometimes makes me very insecure towards her. I want to prevent her experiencing any of those feelings. Because I'm so overly-aware of this I have diffuculties accepting that I sometimes feel irritated by her, or that she can provoke anger inside me. ( Just as every healty child she sometimes can be a little monster by pushing the boundaries:D)
My inner-critic has placed a big taboo on any - normal- negative feelings I may experience towards her. It looks like I have to be supermom, raising a child that's always smiling and always happy and never feels any pain.These taboo's sometimes creates a lot of tension inside me. Off course I know that it's ridicoulous to place the standards this high for the both of us.

I am however, glad that I am aware of these mechanisms taking place in my parenting, so thank you for the compliment Redtail!

I hope I can let go of the pain I'm projecting (reliving) towards her, it would make life a lot more enjoyable.

Im sorry to read that you are in the midst of a divorce, I wish you that it will work out for the best, and that some of the positive feelings you shared with your wife eventuallly will remain, eventhoug you are not toghether anymore.

 

[anni]

I still do this, and had a good, solid childhood myself. My daughter was in the middle of the trauma, and for years. The abject terror, fear-pain, all of it is still there. My T finally told me that traumas inclusive of children are just hard to shake, that's all. I've had years of therapy. I know I need more. It's still there but because of the therapy she hasn't been all the affected in the end.

They do not see what we think they do. Hee- if she's pushing boundaries, she's probably awfully normal, you know? They don't do that, in the normal way ( as opposed to acting out ) if they do not feel safe, really. It means you're doing a lovely job. I SO 'get' that not wishing her to feel pain- SOOOO get it!! Argghhh. But they have to. All we can do, then, is hold them in our laps, play with their hair and get them through it. I die inside, then, everytime but we can't make it go away for them. At 19, she's still collapsing in my lap in tears, Thank God. I still die, but she doesn't know that, ( thank you T! ). She knows I have PTSD and watches like 2 hawks, would draw back if she thought her pain was causing me any. I do feel much. much better with this than I used to, and it's just been proven through time that her pain really does go away, you know? I CAN let go of it, and enjoy her. That really began somewhat when she began school, with all it's hurts and rocky patches. She's in college, a chem major will have a math minor and I don't much mind of it sounds like bragging. She did it, not me. :) The point being, they really are ok in the end.

I don't know- I'd have to bet your child is just fine, and a delight despite what you're seeing through this stupid, intrusive PTSD vision.Mine developed an anxiety disorder somewhere along the line, but please know she was sort of getting old enough to perhaps have registered things when there was awful trauma breaking loose around her so it may not have been living with me which evoked this.

Sorry so long. I just saw this, and recognized some of perhaps what you're feeling with this.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Sterre]

Anni, your post really touched me deeply, no sorry is needed at all! Thank you for your warm hopefull words and for sharing some of your experience with being a parent. Your words put some of my feelings in the proper perspective!

Brag all you want about your daughter, as to what Im reading she's doing just fine!

 

[Redtail]

Sterre,
There are some amazing people on this forum!! I am very thankful for this site. Keep up "talking about your problems" it will help you.

 

[Redtail]

Anni,
Sometimes children are who we make them. She should be bragging about you, and I am sure she does.

 

[anni]

Well, here's something which doesn't go away-the adrenaline and worry! Hee, for future referrance, Stere, you can raise them to be a little TOOO pragmatic. I was watching the news, quite recently. Early, early am. There were news crews showing a fire, firetrucks, police, crowds of people, mayhem. Focusing more closley, guess whose apartment building was directly behind the news casters left shoulder??? I'm watching this from my Living Room many, many miles away. So... I text her. 'Um- is there a dam FIRE across the street from you?' Here's her answer. 'A. Yes. B. Why are you waking me up?' Hahahahaha. Solid sort of little thing, isn't she-she YELLED at me for waking her up, there's been social function the night before-dammit she was TIRED. Why was I fussing- it was just a 4 alarm FIRE, for heaven's sake, Mom. GOD, chill already!

I think rest assured these kids will be just fine, you know?