I Can Quit But I Won't

[NotMyWorld]

Where I live in Costa Rica, getting pain killers, Muscle relaxers and sleep medications are as easy as going out and buying a carton of milk. They are over the counter. I know I can stop taking them. But I also know I'm abusing them.

I just know that when I don't take them, I can't sleep, the nightmares come back. I drag my sorry butt through my days until I break down and go buy more.

Physically I know I can quit, but mentally I'm not sure I can. I'm happier on them and things seem easier. I takes breaks a week here and a week there. I'm already on Anti-depressants. Ciplopram. It doesn't help with the pain, even when i know it's in my head.So frustrating.

 

[intothelight]

Hi NotMyWorld,

Is there any place you can seek help for dealing with addictions? Its hard to do it on your own, and if you are ready, getting help increases the chances of success.

You already made a great step by recognizing the problem!

Deb

 

[Srain]

It's very tough knowing you may need to do something but being afraid to do it because of the monsters in your head.

Good on you for posting, you are not alone with your struggles, many have walk your path. There's help if you want it. Keep posting.

Peace and healing,
Rain

 

[NotMyWorld]

Thank you to the both of you. I'm in a pretty rural area of costa Rica, I've still been unable to locate a trama psycologist here that speaks english, other then the one that visits a town 2 hours away 2 times a month from the main city here. My husband is not aware of any of this at this point. Things are hard enough wwithout stressing him out more as this will certainly be something we fight about and not something he will support me on. Last thing I want is feeling even more "watched" than I already do.

For example. I have no pain killers today and every part of my back and head hurt. I have to try and come up with some valid reason to even leave the office. My husband sits next to me, so what wi; it be? "I'm out of ciggaretts"? I have to go pick up the shoes I ordwered from the store down the street?

I don't like deceiving my husband but I'm not prepared for the stress and how much worse things will get if this becomes a factor. As it is right now. He has no idea. I don't take enough to make me loopy or be a danger. I only tgake them durring the morning after the kids are at daycare and then again at night after they are asleep. Last night I didn't take any and stayed up till 130 knowing I had to get up at 5.

I was watching some movie I can't for the life of me remembeer what it was about, I was off somewhere else in my head. I turned the TV off around 11 and tried to fall asleep but I just kept spinning my life in my head over in diffferent ways. i'm pretty depressed lately and The pills make that feeling go away. It;'s very difficult to not rationalize how much better I feel and how much more I interact and do better at work when I'm on these pills rather than like right now, I'm wasting work hours and ignoring my phone ringging because I don't want to talk to anyone! I just don't know what to do. I feel utterly alone in this and telling my husband is not an option. He will not support me on this, he will flip out.

 

[RubyTaco]

I dealt with addiction to pain killers (and alcoholism) for years. I understand what you are going through. Please know that there are people to help you through this. I needed a medical detox to get through the first week. It was rough. Felt like the worst flu I've ever had. I now go to AA to stay sober & clean. Even after 2 years, 5 months, it's still a struggle. I honestly feel that if I can do it, anyone can. I also know that someone has to want to be sober & clean for themselves. No one can make you do it. Praying that you can get through this.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi NotMyWorld, I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. However it sounds like you could really use some real life support and help.

It seems very sad to me, that you can't talk to your husband about your issues. Are you 100% sure he won't support you, even just a little bit?

Are you able to find a therapist in your area? Even if they are not a trauma specialist, just someone to talk to, might help you to find a solution. What about other family, or friends - is there someone you can confide in?

Abusing medications in the way that you are, is not a long term solution. Somehow, you need to find a way out of this situation, and I think being honest with your family and friends (who you trust), could really benefit you. Scary - yes!! But I'm not sure how you can work your way out of this on your own.

If you can't talk to anyone, you say you could quit the drugs, so why not try it, and see how you go? I'm not judging you, I've used and abused sedative medications, but it's not a long term solution. I also put off telling family how much I was struggling for years. My turning point, was to take a leap of faith, and talk to family. I also eventually found a therapist that I 'clicked' with, who helped me enormously.

The drugs may help you day to day, but how long are you prepared to take them for? A year? A lifetime? Your body will become used to them, and you will need higher and higher doses for the same effect.

I sincerely wish you well, and I hope you can find a solution. I tried to go it alone for years and years (wasted years). Don't make my mistakes. Open up to family and friends, and get professional help. ((((hugs))))

 

[NotMyWorld]

Thank you Ruby, I appreciate your kind words.
Cherry blossom,
I won't tell my husband because I know it's something that will just make my life more miserable. He already watches me like a hawk and I often feel like he over controls every situation and will inevitable throw this in my face next time we get into an argument.

I have honestly been looking very hard for a therapist in my area, The rural area I live in offers few options and those don't speak English. Living in this country makes finding the right kind of help, or help at all very difficult.

I do confide in my order sister regarding the pills and I know I sound like every other adict in denial when I say I can quit them but I can and I do. I don't take them all the time. I might take them for a week or two than go a month or two without taking any at all. My physical pain is I'm pretty sure anyway.. a manifestation of my emotional pain. When I say I can quit but don't want to, it's because I feel like I have spells here and there where without them, I wouldn't get anything done for weeks. Includding sleeping.

I do quit regularly for long periods of time inbetween my little euphoric vacations from reality. I've never suffereed any kind of withdrawls other then shortlived irritability above the usual level induced by my PTSD. It's really hard to WANT to quit completley when I'm in such an incredible good mood today and have acccomplished so much over the weekend that comparing it to the weekends where I hide in bed and loath the outside world make it feel like a no brainer.

My latest round is almost out. I will try to go two months without any just to make sure I still can.

I'm going to talk to one of my friends, She's a counselor but won't counsel me because we are friends, however said she will of course be there for me anytime I need her. I think I'm going to take her up on that offer, ahe's not a trama therapist but She's the only one I think I trust with this information.

Thank you both. I do appreciate your support, insight and I feel better knowing that these problems are connected and not various different problems. I feel better knowing I can possibly adress them together. Does that make any sense?