I can trust him but I can't

[PTSDisaster]

I'm sorry if this looks similar to my previous posts, but I'm struggling with this right now and I would really want to know if there's anyone around here who experiences the same things or can help me build trust.

I'm a survivor of CSA, my narcissistic father abused me, my mother knew but she didn't take action because she's just so dependent.
I've had a few boyfriends in my teenage years but they all cheated or something else that broke my trust in them. I am now dating this guy who I really can trust. I know this sounds cheesy but I really know i can trust him and he will be here for me for the rest of my life. BUT I don't trust him, at all. So my thoughts and feelings don't get along or something.
He never had a girlfriend because he always thought it should come some time but he didn't want to actively look for someone (like going or tinder). Also he was a virgin because he wanted to wait for the one, and he told me in the beginning that he thought I am the one for him.
But here's the problem. I think eeeeverything is about sex in life for men. But I think it's just because my previous experiences proved for those men it was all about sex, but that doesn't have to say this is the same with my current bf. Especially because of his past, I can tell it's not about sex but my anxious thoughts still think it is the only thing he can think about.

I posted before that my bf doesnt watch porn anymore to give me some rest in my stress levels. (my dad made me watch porn with him) I also couldn't handle watching a random movie or series with my bf that I didn't already see because I can't know if there will be sex in the movie or whatever and it upsets/triggers me. I always think that I'm making things worse and worse, but now I can't watch movies when I'm alone either. Am I maybe getting closer to what is really the trigger? and that doesn't have to do something with him?

How do you handle trust issues and build trust with someone you deep down know you can trust?
Do you guys have any weird triggers you first thought it was just you and not your PTSD?

I notice I am really making steps, I confronted my dad this week and I feel a bit less nauseaus since that day. But I am craving for some confirmation that it really is PTSD and not me, and that I will come out of this state of distrust with my boyfriend

Thank you all for taking your time to read/reply <3

 

[RubyBlue]

A couple things, this is an awesome conversation for your T. They can walk you through processing this and lowering the level of anxiety.

Second, an activity that might be helpful is a logic mind vs emotional mind thing. Essentially you make two columns on a piece of paper. On one side you write all your fears and anxieties, everything you are feeling, thoughts that go through your head. In the other column you write actual facts. What was actually said, what actually occurred, etc.

For me it helped to see how the facts of the situation didn’t match up to the thoughts my brain was creating and I could start to correct myself and rely more on the facts rather than letting my mind go wild with made up scenarios.

 

[PreciousChild]

I think that's good advice,@Annalyn78. To add to that, if you can take baby steps in discussing your feelings with your bf, it makes the healing real and not just in your head. I've found that by telling my bf about insecurities/triggers, etc., I feel more peace in the world and have far less triggers. But it's so scary because it feels like I'm exposing how awful I am and I'm convinced that he'll abandon me. Obviously, his reassurances and support have been key. It would be foolish to share vulnerabilities with someone who doesn't care or would make it worse. It sounds like to me you can trust your bf, and that your distrust is from the ptsd. I think that you can chip away at the distortion by taking steps to expose it and let it dissipate from the light.

 

[PTSDisaster]

Thank you both so much for your replies! I am currently discussing this with my therapist, but I just needed some 'outsiders' opinion that I'm not becoming crazy. My bf and I have great communication so he knows everything I'm struggling with too :)
So you both had distrust because of ptsd too? How are you sure its ptsd? @Annalyn78 @PreciousChild

 

[RubyBlue]

Some things are hard to pinpoint the cause of. The lack of trust can be from a million different things including PTSD.

 

[dcb2410]

As a guy who was in a relationship with someone who has lived with multiple traumas in life I wish in hindsight my ex partner had been more able to discuss her triggers. She could explain what she had been through to a certain degree. She was much better at doing that via text than in person. But in hindsight I wish she had been better able to say to me that x,y,z were the things likely to trigger her. I didn’t lack the capacity or willingness to understand. Our relationship fell apart over something I had done to set her off, unknowingly. I thought we had great communication too. In hindsight I wish she had been able to say ... when I get like this I need this from you. Whether that was space, a hug, reassurance. I obviously failed in managing that but I did do my best. When I thought she wanted reassurance it seemed to set her off even when she said she felt insecure. I think if you can keep the lines of communication open and be specific about what it is that he could do for you and what you feel your specific triggers are.. I wish I hadn’t failed. I certainly tried.

 

[PTSDisaster]

As a guy who was in a relationship with someone who has lived with multiple traumas in life I wish in hindsight my ex partner had been more able to discuss her triggers. She could explain what she had been through to a certain degree. She was much better at doing that via text than in person. But in hindsight I wish she had been better able to say to me that x,y,z were the things likely to trigger her. I didn’t lack the capacity or willingness to understand. Our relationship fell apart over something I had done to set her off, unknowingly. I thought we had great communication too. In hindsight I wish she had been able to say ... when I get like this I need this from you. Whether that was space, a hug, reassurance. I obviously failed in managing that but I did do my best. When I thought she wanted reassurance it seemed to set her off even when she said she felt insecure. I think if you can keep the lines of communication open and be specific about what it is that he could do for you and what you feel your specific triggers are.. I wish I hadn’t failed. I certainly tried.

Thank you so much.. your words hit hard.. im so sorry for you that youve lost your gf because of this. You didnt fail tho!! Keep that in mind, it seems like you did everything in your power to help her, so you did not fail at all!!

 

[dcb2410]

If your boyfriend is anything like me it’s worth trying to explain things to him and ask for his help in dealing with things. There are men who are open and honest and kind and empathetic and who care about things much more meaningful than sex.

You’ve taken a huge step in reaching out here and asking for advice. There are others far better qualified to offer you advice based on their own experiences. But it’s good that you are speaking to a T and are open to seeking advice and help for what you’ve been through. Be kind to yourself as well.

 

[Friday]

The only times in my life I have either blindly trusted or mistrusted anyone? I’ve been symptomatic as f*ck.

Trust isn’t an on/off switch. Or, at least, I don’t believe it should be. I believe trust to be more like a sound board, with hundreds of knobs & dials, that adjust their levels as I learn more about someone.

Think -10 .........0...........+10

Dead Link Removed

I don’t know someone? Their dials are all set to zero. As I get to know someone? Those dials start adjusting. -2 +7 +4 +4 -8 0 0 -6 -8 et cetera. How important those dials are? Vary. See the 2 negative eights? Maybe those are set for sandwich making skills and math. Not something I value highly in a romantic partner, I can make my own sandwiches and have an accountant to handle my maths. But if that person is someone I’m buying a sandwich from, or an accountant? Then that’s a BIG problem.

I can trust someone with my life I wouldn’t trust around a kid for 5 minutes, or throw one person my keys completely secure in getting my Jeep back, that I wouldn’t loan $5 I ever want to see again.

People? Are complicated. They’re not on/off switches of totally trust them, totally don’t trust them. Nor is every level of trust equally important. If I’ve gone into the Black & White mindset? Trust vs Mistrust? Yep. That’s me. Kicking into survival mode of all or nothing thinking.

However? On my great big wide sound board, I’ve got a handful of dials/switches that trump every single other dial. It doesn’t matter if someone is all positives across the rest of the big damn board if even one of those dials dips below a certain point, because then? The switch flips.... &That’s it. We’re done. It doesn’t matter how much I like them, or love them, or trust them in any other area. They’ve just hit one of my deal breakers. Finis. Done. All she wrote.

 

[PTSDisaster]

The only times in my life I have either blindly trusted or mistrusted anyone? I’ve been symptomatic as f*ck.

Trust isn’t an on/off switch. Or, at least, I don’t believe it should be. I believe trust to be more like a sound board, with hundreds of knobs & dials, that adjust their levels as I learn more about someone.

Think -10 .........0...........+10

Dead Link Removed

I don’t know someone? Their dials are all set to zero. As I get to know someone? Those dials start adjusting. -2 +7 +4 +4 -8 0 0 -6 -8 et cetera. How important those dials are? Vary. See the 2 negative eights? Maybe those are set for sandwich making skills and math. Not something I value highly in a romantic partner, I can make my own sandwiches and have an accountant to handle my maths. But if that person is someone I’m buying a sandwich from, or an accountant? Then that’s a BIG problem.

I can trust someone with my life I wouldn’t trust around a kid for 5 minutes, or throw one person my keys completely secure in getting my Jeep back, that I wouldn’t loan $5 I ever want to see again.

People? Are complicated. They’re not on/off switches of totally trust them, totally don’t trust them. Nor is every level of trust equally important. If I’ve gone into the Black & White mindset? Trust vs Mistrust? Yep. That’s me. Kicking into survival mode of all or nothing thinking.

However? On my great big wide sound board, I’ve got a handful of dials/switches that trump every single other dial. It doesn’t matter if someone is all positives across the rest of the big damn board if even one of those dials dips below a certain point, because then? The switch flips.... &That’s it. We’re done. It doesn’t matter how much I like them, or love them, or trust them in any other area. They’ve just hit one of my deal breakers. Finis. Done. All she wrote.

Thank you so much for your reply! Really helps me a lot:) I'm trying to think about your reply whenever I feel this way, so thank you a lot!!:)

If your boyfriend is anything like me it’s worth trying to explain things to him and ask for his help in dealing with things. There are men who are open and honest and kind and empathetic and who care about things much more meaningful than sex.

You’ve taken a huge step in reaching out here and asking for advice. There are others far better qualified to offer you advice based on their own experiences. But it’s good that you are speaking to a T and are open to seeking advice and help for what you’ve been through. Be kind to yourself as well.

Thank youuu!! My bf knows every small or big issue I'm dealing with and it's been really helpful for me discussing this with him.

Thank you for your reply:)

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks for your perspective, @dcb2410. Really, your posts are encouraging and supportive. I also am reminded that it's not just for me, but for the relationship that I need to communicate needs.

That's a good reminder, @Friday. Sometimes my bf doesn't always say and do the right things. Usually, they are at times when I can be more forgiving, but it doesn't mean you should give up, nor does it mean that the trust can automatically be blind.

To answer your question, @PTSDisaster. I've been triggered with my bf several times, especially in the beginning when I felt really suspicious and distrustful. During those moments, I could always find good evidence for how I was feeling. But as I began to trust my bf more, I realized how much my ptsd was generating the "facts and evidence." For example, several months ago, I got triggered and I got it in my head that my bf was trying to ditch me to meet someone else. That's a typical trigger - my bf is dissing me in some way or other, whether it's not texting me because he doesn't care (even though he's just busy at work), or he's not pioritizing me, etc. Sometimes my feeling of worthlessness is manifested in my fear that he likes someone else more.

I got to his house after when I thought he met with someone else. I looked around, and I noticed how the jacket he was wearing in the selfie he supposedly just sent me was no where (obviously the picture was taken another day), the lies he was telling to cover up, etc. I had the whole picture lined up in my head, and was actually going to break up with him that day. But after just a few minutes of conversation made me realize like a slap in the face that my mind was making up the whole damn thing. I never recovered that whole day because in my mind, I thought there was this big drama that should have lead to a break up. But it was all in my mind. The best thing I did that day was to actually NOT share my trigger. To top it off, on my way out, I saw his jacket hanging on the chair (not the coat rack where I looked). In the past, I think that I just had these suspicions, confirmed them in my own head and thought assumed that they were real. Now I'm really questioning my distrust and suspicions. It's incredible to what extent I believed them. They were real as far as I knew until they got checked by actual reality.

 

[Tinyflame]

My sense of trust is really miskewed, -or 'mis-cued'. Sometimes I look at people and am for a minute confused who I'm looking at.

It's a lot to process. :(

I am going to try to trust in what I know (of trustworthy people), not any other's bs.