I Cannot Control It.

[Ronin1]

I cannot find myself these days. Just the smallest things will make the cup tip and make me angry, sad, confused or stressed, and I have no way to control it.

I called the veteran center in may, a month before I became a dad, and told them that I could use some help, because all the symptoms came creeping up on my again. I have not received any help yet. None. Sip. Nothing. Still waiting. I'm so frustrated. I called them my self, so that I could get help, and that way help my new little family....

Oh, well. I got away from the main topic.

I begin in school tomorrow. I was suppose to be on sick leave until February next year, but I can't find any good structure in going around ad home. So I talked to my school and they made it so I could start now, and retake a module for an easy start.
That means that I should only take some classes. I shouldn't take any of the group based work. Instead I should take care of my self, my family and my "Disorder" in that time.

Today I found out that I'm put in one of these groups, and it makes m head freak out. Such a little thing just f*cked up everything. I became depressed about starting again, and angry and a whole bag of different feelings.

The worst part is. It's like this all the time. The smallest things make the jar tip, resulting in an tsunami of feelings.

Another example. Next weekend, we are going to my cousins birthday in the afternoon. Later in the evening it was the plan that I should go to and Christmas party (They begin very early here in Denmark), but I was freaking out about not having time, and just the thought of being stressed made my stressed, sad and angry..

I hope you guys see my point.

I just had to have it out, that I cannot control myself, and I cannot do the same amount of things as before. And it frustrates me...

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Your dong fine Johnny, you can't move an unmovable object. That's the nature of the VA. Hang in there my friend.

I find that sometimes you have to do the best you can and then give whats left over to someone else.

Ba

 

[reddevil1111]

Glad to see you posting again Johnny. I think you have to make things a bit more simple. It sounds like you stress out about the future a lot. Maybe keep a calendar to keep track but only look at the next day. Force yourself to only look one day ahead. That might ease some of your stress. When you hit the party, just find somewhere you can chill out and not face large groups. I focus on helping out in the kitchen. I find helping out keeps a lot of stress off of me and no one objects to getting help.
I think if you can refocus your energy you will find a lot more happiness. Good luck brother.

 

[Spock]

Johnny,
Pulled this motivational site & it reminded me of your post, might help you focus when things feel overwhelming:
Center your mind, body and spirit
When feeling the stress of time, it is easy to break from the routines that are so important to healthy living, like exercise, self-reflection, and meditation. Investing the time and energy to maintain and even enhance these centering practices during difficult times pays off handsomely, as scientific studies show. It gives your mind greater clarity and can be the source of new, out-of-the-box thinking, necessary to solve your most vexing problem.

 

[Chin Strapped]

I hate groupwork too mate. I actually have to do that today. If you speak up to your school they will help you. I have found it to be easier and not say the ptsd label, just list Your symptoms, that appeared after tour. I found that helped anyway.

Keep chasing the therapy mate and use this website and the folk on here. Good iinfo and good people. (not talking about myself, that would be egotistical :-)

Good luck mate, we have your back.

 

[AverageJoe11]

Johnny, when you mentioned freaking out because of events being planned in the afternoon and evening you described how I feel also. I think that's why I hate holidays. There is too much going on. When I can't get out of a party, I do what Red suggests and help in the kitchen. It gives me something to focus on.

 

[Jimmy1]

I cannot find myself these days. Just the smallest things will make the cup tip and make me angry, sad, confused or stressed, and I have no way to control it.

/quote]

Johnny, it must be the moon or something, because there are quite a few of us in the same predicament. I can't find myself either. I even went out and bought some high visibility shirts and put on another 10 kg. All joking aside, I can't put a finger on it. It's an uncomfortable feeling that I can't seem to shake.

I get out of bed in the morning only through pushing myself. I am up at first light which is 5 am here. I take my pain meds to get the joints moving and go downstairs, do some stretches then make a cuppa and log on to the forum. I have a heap of projects around the yard to do which I am slowly getting through, but by 10 am it's about 30 deg Celsius with about 60% or more humidity.
I made my veggie garden and am just about to plant some stuff, I have cleared most of the timber by the creek to stop the water in case of flood, and I have a whole heap more projects to go. I am not happy though. I can't find that spark anymore. I love Margaret to death, but in all honesty, if she was not around I don't think I would be.

I see my therapist, and MD regularly, but what I need has to come from within. It's just a matter of finding it. I know I am depressed, majorly depressed, but I force myself.

That is the key thing, forcing yourself to go through the motions till you come out the other end of the roller-coaster of hell.

An old Vietnam Vet down in town here that I know told me to 'Fake it, till you Make it'

 

[reddevil1111]

I remember hearing depression is a symptom of anger. I am deeply depressed as well and many days I cant figure out how or why I keep going on.
I play a lot of music and avoid the television. I have no clue how to get out of this funk.

 

[Jimmy1]

It's probably the moon. It's where the term 'Lunatic' came from. lol.

My therapist said that when I get like this it's alright. As long as I force myself to do one productive thing every day. Today I planted my corn and will make Chicken Cannelloni for dinner.

 

[Spock]

quote="Johnny, post: 35502, member: 1879"]...That means that I should only take some classes. I shouldn't take any of the group based work. Instead I should take care of my self, my family and my "Disorder" in that time.
Today I found out that I'm put in one of these groups, and it makes m head freak out. Such a little thing just f*cked up everything. I became depressed about starting again, and angry and a whole bag of different feelings.
The worst part is. It's like this all the time. The smallest things make the jar tip, resulting in an tsunami of feelings...[/quote]

The others & general public always are one of the biggest challenges...you'll get better at avoiding triggers and coping with each small step and each exposure but they will usually push your buttons and probably not even know it.
Best of luck Johnny with the new challenges

 

[Ronin1]

Thanks guys. It's nice to know that I can come here to let out some steam, and no one will judge me for it.

Yesterday was a good day. School was great, and so was the new class. The group thing I feared was nothing. My teacher had judt put me on a group, so I had someone to go to if I needed help with school related stuff, witch is fine.
The people of my new class seemed to be very kind. And lucky for me it is an "Soft" education where we actually learn to deal with people like me (PTSD and other psychological illnesses)
I came home, and used the evening playing with my daughter, and just having a great time. I sleept all night with unly once to go and make a bottle for the little one. I had no nightmares and everything seemed perfect.

Today I got up, and made my self ready, and went to school. (I have to go on bicycle 8km each way)
When I came to school I went to the restroom to chance into normal clothes. I then felt the feeling of an "Attack" or panic attack creeping up on me. It was out of the blue. But I manage to go to my (Not sure what it's called) supervisor.
I had a big attack, with crying, hyperventilating, tears, snot, the whole nine yard.
My teacher was very kind to me and talked to me afterwords.

Well. I probably doesn't come as a surprise. But I drove home again after that. I have used the whole day sleeping (I get so tired after an attack) and watching documentaries on you tube. And, over eating of cause.

I have had a lot of these attacks, and there is usually a few month between each. But I'm so afraid of them coming when I'm in public.
I do not know what triggers them. It can be everything, small as big.

Do any of you guys have such attacks???

 

[Spock]

I've had one grand mal seizure, several partial seizures and one big panic attack & one small one (that I know of or count as one) but nothing like you describe. Likely just your way of dealing with anxiety at this time but sucks that you cannot identify a trigger. Maybe need to keep working through some stuff. I'm sure someone will come along soon that can share similar events though...