My shame …I cannot work right now

[catsr4me]

I decided today to stop working until I feel well enough to go. I am scared and exhausted. I have been surviving for so long in ….money is security … work more…work harder…thinking and working myself to the point of another episode of …I can’t function. The thought of it … going back there is causing me horrid panic attacks which disable me. I know the feeling, dissociative and panicked…I felt this way as a young child. I feel so guilty for calling in sick, my mind tells… this is all your fault, why can’t you just be normal, like all the other employees. I used work as to distract myself from my trauma and loneliness, and being a perfectionist has made me fall back into this episode. The sun is coming up, I have been awake for hours, and well another day in this state is not my idea of fun. Any thoughts?

Don't kick yourself about needing to stop work PLEASE! I worked my butt off to become an RN, then worked in my favorite unit (neonatal intensive care), but I too had far more sick call outs than anyone I knew. 90% of the time it was because I was having mental issues. My last day working was I was taking care of a very fragile sick infant and I could not get crap out of my head and was crying. I needed to ask a co-worker for help. I realized that night, I need to quit. I did and never went back and let my license I worked SOOOOO hard for go. I lived for years in shame and anxiety about it. The worst part is I applied for social security and when I visit my parents my step dad is always bitching about people who are having the government pay them and they are just lazy. It has happened more than once and last time I went my mom and sister were joining in bashing one of my sisters neighbors for being a stay at home dad and collecting disability. They were all like "he looks fine to me, I am so sick of all these lazy people". HELLO!!!! I AM ON DISABILITY. So anyways, I digress. My long winded story was to show you, screw people who do not understand and screw a society that makes us think if we cannot work we are somehow less than. PTSD is so real and disabling and isolating and people who do not have true PTSD have ZERO idea how it feels. I guess that is why we are all here on this forum. To connect with people who feel similar:-) As for pulling out of your episode, I wish I knew the golden answer. I know Risperidone medication as needed helps my episodes and forcing myself outside or to like a store, except 90% of the time I cannot even force myself to do that. Hang in there!