My shame …I cannot work right now

[Susan Jane]

I decided today to stop working until I feel well enough to go. I am scared and exhausted. I have been surviving for so long in ….money is security … work more…work harder…thinking and working myself to the point of another episode of …I can’t function. The thought of it … going back there is causing me horrid panic attacks which disable me. I know the feeling, dissociative and panicked…I felt this way as a young child. I feel so guilty for calling in sick, my mind tells… this is all your fault, why can’t you just be normal, like all the other employees. I used work as to distract myself from my trauma and loneliness, and being a perfectionist has made me fall back into this episode. The sun is coming up, I have been awake for hours, and well another day in this state is not my idea of fun. Any thoughts?

 

[OM_™]

I feel so guilty for calling in sick

Don't feel guilty. Be kind to yourself when you are not at work. Bad mental health is sick. If you are lonely and can't find someone to talk to, perhaps therapy might help or some community activity. In the past when I have really struggled, I have used free community and mental health telephone helplines. Hope this helps...take care.

 

[Susan Jane]

Don't feel guilty. Be kind to yourself when you are not at work. Bad mental health is sick. If you are lonely and can't find someone to talk to, perhaps therapy might help or some community activity. In the past when I have really struggled, I have used free community and mental health telephone helplines. Hope this helps...take care.

Thank you so much! I am trying to feel this truth and hearing this helps

 

[Starfire]

I decided today to stop working until I feel well enough to go. I am scared and exhausted. I have been surviving for so long in ….money is security … work more…work harder…thinking and working myself to the point of another episode of …I can’t function. The thought of it … going back there is causing me horrid panic attacks which disable me. I know the feeling, dissociative and panicked…I felt this way as a young child. I feel so guilty for calling in sick, my mind tells… this is all your fault, why can’t you just be normal, like all the other employees. I used work as to distract myself from my trauma and loneliness, and being a perfectionist has made me fall back into this episode. The sun is coming up, I have been awake for hours, and well another day in this state is not my idea of fun. Any thoughts?

My experience is guilt about everything. Why can’t I be normal? I should be able to do a,b,c. And most likely all at the same time,

You are taking the bull by the horns and doing what is best for yourself. congratulations!

 

[plain_and_normal]

My family (probably yours as well) worked this land for GENERATIONS and created everything we see before us. They never took time off, they paid taxes their whole lives and never received any subsidies.

WE as a society have been over worked for generations and are suffering from hyper vigilance and generational traumas while others float through and laugh about it.

Our people have this attitude that if you don't work, you're useless. They need to account for every penny of every dollar and every minute of each day.... it's a sickness we carry.

Much of your post chimes true to me as well.
All the money in the world ain't worth it, take time to heal and focus on yourself. Forget what is happening on the job and what is being said. Get help, get subsidized if possible and don't feel bad.

Furthermore, with the amount of taxes that gat paid and are unaccounted for, the streets should be paved in gold and we should all be rich. This system is a disgrace and running its citizens into the ground...

 

[Susan Jane]

My experience is guilt about everything. Why can’t I be normal? I should be able to do a,b,c. And most likely all at the same time,

You are taking the bull by the horns and doing what is best for yourself. congratulations!

Thank you Starfire

 

[Susan Jane]

My family (probably yours as well) worked this land for GENERATIONS and created everything we see before us. They never took time off, they paid taxes their whole lives and never received any subsidies.

WE as a society have been over worked for generations and are suffering from hyper vigilance and generational traumas while others float through and laugh about it.

Our people have this attitude that if you don't work, you're useless. They need to account for every penny of every dollar and every minute of each day.... it's a sickness we carry.

Much of your post chimes true to me as well.
All the money in the world ain't worth it, take time to heal and focus on yourself. Forget what is happening on the job and what is being said. Get help, get subsidized if possible and don't feel bad.

Furthermore, with the amount of taxes that gat paid and are unaccounted for, the streets should be paved in gold and we should all be rich. This system is a disgrace and running its citizens into the ground...

Thank you! I know you are right. I called in and said I couldn't deal at the moment. I have worked all my life and yes money is not worth being stuck in fear/flight I need to get my balance back. Our system is a disgrace, it caters to work yourself to exhaustion, get a thank you sometimes. The capitalists dream of let them eat cake and give them more coffee.

 

[arfie]

this hit me on two fronts which i work fairly hard to keep separate.

1) guilt and shame. i hold this as the most irrational symptom on my psycho smorgasbord and work to vent it, unanalyzed.

2) distraction. when i have been too unstable to hold a job, i tend to use the extra time to drive myself crazier.

 

[Susan Jane]

this hit me on two fronts which i work fairly hard to keep separate.

1) guilt and shame. i hold this as the most irrational symptom on my psycho smorgasbord and work to vent it, unanalyzed.

2) distraction. when i have been too unstable to hold a job, i tend to use the extra time to drive myself crazier.

Gosh I love your humor! I am getting better with the guilt and shame, at least with my closest people. But sometimes I am also to exhausted to care what others think . Distraction is a good thing when I am really out there. I am trying to take care of myself now slowly getting stuff done that has been sitting for as long as I can remember. Going out for walks and trying to listen to the birds … really glad to have found this forum and look forward to our conversation back and forth… let is see how long I can be with me . I hope this new scary relationship with myself works out better than my marriage !

 

[arfie]

I hope this new scary relationship with myself works out better than my marriage !

may that scary new relationship with yourself usher in the greatest love story of your life. it is physically impossible to spend more time with other people than i spend with myself. i hold that relationship as the most important relationship any of us will ever have.

is it weird that improving my relationship with myself has netted me better relationships with other people. when i cannot love/like myself, i have no love/friendship to give.

then we get to marriage. when that going gets rough, working on myself gets me further than working on my marriage.

 

[Susan Jane]

may that scary new relationship with yourself usher in the greatest love story of your life. it is physically impossible to spend more time with other people than i spend with myself. i hold that relationship as the most important relationship any of us will ever have.

is it weird that improving my relationship with myself has netted me better relationships with other people. when i cannot love/like myself, i have no love/friendship to give.

then we get to marriage. when that going gets rough, working on myself gets me further than working on my marriage.

Well I sure hope so . My relationship with my son has only gotten better since I started being open about my struggles. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my struggles with him. My mother tried to make me responsible for her. Therefore, I have shielded him from my other world. I now tell him it is okay to come over for an hour, when I isolate, so he doesn’t feel shut out. It is not my intention to shut him out, but protect him. It has been very healing to let him in and be myself and not everything is great mom. It was too much pressure for us both.

My friendships have become better since I have been more open. I have also closed many relationships, which has been good. I do not do well in groups and I hate small talk. Accepting that has made me stronger.

Marriage well that didn’t work out for me. I married for stability and a family. It seems I was the stable one, and I raised my son emotionally alone, his father did pay me for my son, but he was never around. Ah ja such is life

 

[Chrispy1]

My family (probably yours as well) worked this land for GENERATIONS and created everything we see before us. They never took time off, they paid taxes their whole lives and never received any subsidies.

WE as a society have been over worked for generations and are suffering from hyper vigilance and generational traumas while others float through and laugh about it.

Our people have this attitude that if you don't work, you're useless. They need to account for every penny of every dollar and every minute of each day.... it's a sickness we carry.

Much of your post chimes true to me as well.
All the money in the world ain't worth it, take time to heal and focus on yourself. Forget what is happening on the job and what is being said. Get help, get subsidized if possible and don't feel bad.

Furthermore, with the amount of taxes that gat paid and are unaccounted for, the streets should be paved in gold and we should all be rich. This system is a disgrace and running its citizens into the ground...

Hello plain_and_normal; I agree with virtually all you write. The sickness of our insane "work ethic" cultures and societies leave many people clueless and uncaring about any problems that are incapacitating, but not visible like a broken leg. Many, including me, are subject to rejection, damned as being useless, and left isolated so our problems don't disturb the more important activities of others, such as their shopping for socks on sale. /s

I especially agree with, "Forget what is happening on the job and what is being said. Get help..." Because of our societal norms and ludicrously excessive expectations about the importance of work for work's sake, I wasted most of my life working myself to near death multiple times, leaving me no time to even attempt to enjoy my life or take proper care of myself. Working to try to collect all the money and possessions in the world means nothing in the end. What you remember are the people who you loved and loved you back and the memories made together.

Guilt about missing school or work when we need to care for ourselves is pounded into us from an early age by a society so sickened by its warped perspective about what's meaningful in life that it's incapable of recognizing that sickness, no matter how extreme and obvious it may be to some. My simple advice (that I admit can be quite difficult to follow) is to recognize how sick our society truly is, and how following its "rules" because of the guilt it induces when you don't just serves to increase the very real sickness and problems we face and try to deal with every day.