I Can't Do This...

[Upside Down Eagle]

When I was eightteen, I returned to this country with the intention to study. Back at the island where I grew up, I had already finished all the levels they had to offer, so the plan was to come back, study for five years, and then figure out where I really wanted to live. This isn't my dream country, but my extended family and the opportunities were here.

So I started at the academy of arts with the intent of becoming an illustrator. After two years of struggling as a mailman and as a student (I wasn't on disability yet) and many a breakdown I finally achieved a propeadeutic degree in design. Then, I quit. For one I decided being an artist was not for me after all, and second, my life was falling apart because of yet undiagnosed ptsd & bpd.

At this point I got into theraphy and on antidepressants. I was granted disability and leave from work, and I spend the next year part -time at home and part -time in intensive group theraphy. When I was done with that I decided to resume studying. It's important to me to have some kind of degree, because I loathe the idea of having to work as a cashier all my life (for example) because I'm just horrible at dealing with people and being confined to a small space.

I applied for Liberal Arts & Sciences, but the counselor wouldn't let me. He told me to work on my issues first. I decided he was right and did another year of therapy. Then I applied for Cultural Anthropology & Sociology of Development, which the counselor had thought would be a better choice for me. I liked it, but my life continued to crumble beneath my feet. The university was in another city an hour away with public transportation.

In the beginning it went well, but in my third year I couldn't handle it anymore. Traveling drove me insane. Colleges with other students drove me mad. I decided to switch to another, more nearby located university and continue my fight doing the same study. I had to start in an earlier year due to the switch, so once again I was surrounded by students who were at least six years younger than me and far less serious about it.

The switch happened last September. I was filled with optimism that this time, I would make it. I scored really high, nines out of ten. But then it started to happen again. Everything crumbled around me, the levels of anxiety soar to the intolerable, I started with yet another treatment, EMDR. Now, the intrusive images are unbearable. Any kind of sound at home makes me jump, scream and cry. Everything hurts, pshyically and emotionally.

Shit. I can't handle this bachelor and I've fought for it so hard, for six years since I first entered the academy of arts as an unsuspecting beginner. I don't want to quit and yet I can't focus on anything, I feel like a failure. My college fund has almost run out. I feel so horribly crippled and disempowered by this freaking disease. I want to smash it through a wall like the Hulk.

 

[Mercy]

I'd want to smash through the wall too. Have you wondered what 'the wall' is for you? PTSD is a condition that we have to learn to cope with. It is different for everyone. Maybe you would like to start a personal diary on this forum, in the Trauma Diary section. Many times writing out what you need to express can help a person clarify their needs.

Welcome to the forum. You have already made a good start.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Haha :D I've been here since 2011, but thanks anyway. I do have a trauma diary although I don't write in it often. It creeps me out somehow. I keep a personal diary though.

I'd like to hear from others how they've dealt with this. I'm just not sure how to proceed: I want this so badly, I have the talent to succeed, and yet at every corner there is the ptsd again to stick out its nasty foot and make me trip.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am very sorry this is happening to you Radise. I don't have any comforting words but I do hear you.

I am very worried about my college too. I love college, love learning but it easily overpowers me and reduces me to a crying-in-the-college-bathroom mess. I can be so happy at school but then it just closes in around me. My classes start in 15 days, the first time I am going in a year.

I wish you the best. :)

 

[Marf]

You will finish your degree, even if now is not the right time. Try to be patient with yourself and the healing process. Good luck!

 

[Em C.]

As a fellow university student who is going through this, I completely get where you are coming from. Have you talked to your faculty's academic counselling about this? With documentation they can give extensions, assistance, and sometimes bursaries.

Good luck!!!

 

[arfie]

I have faced this obstacle for so many years that it has been a long time since I have had a professor who was older than me. Some of my professors have been younger than my sons. Still I can't seem to give up my street kid delusions of grandeur. Is it any consolation to you that you have made it further than I have since the first time I was walked into a college classroom in 1976 at the ripe age of 22? I am not currently enrolled, but I am still dreaming...

Obviously I have no successful experience to offer, but I surely am rooting for you. Hopes and support coming your way.

 

[DMerish]

I relate to what you're going through a lot.

Because of my PTSD and other factors, I could not handle going to college full time. I simply could not do it, even when my symptoms were relatively well managed. Fortunatly, I found that I had other skills that allowed me to work and earn a decent living despite not having a degree. I worked on getting my degree little by little and finally received it at age 53. Continuing to work at it, and completing it, was the best things I've ever done for myself. And, yes, it did allow me to get a better job at a better pay scale. Nevertheless, getting my degree was not an end all solution.

The "I can't do this" mentality is simply black-and-white thinking born out of frustration based in unrealistic expectations. Why beat yourself up for not following a predetermined plan belonging to an acedemic organization? Or because you made one decision then changed your mind? Everyone does that.

What I'm saying is that that every step you take working towards your degree is an accomplishment, that I hope you pat yourself on the back for each step you've taken in that direction, and to consider having a bit more self-compassion.

You are worth more than a piece of paper and a "good job" which you may or may not get after you get that piece of paper. You are worthy of having a relatively healthy life with some happiness. Others are encouraging you to be easy on yourself. The key, the "solution" is doing whatever it is that helps you manage your symptoms and carry on in life to the best of your ability. Not someone else's or an outside authority. You can do it!

 

[Ghostybear73]

I wonder if any of the classes you have to take can be offered at an online university? I have an MBA with a concentration in Healthcare Management and there is no way I would have been able to accomplish this on campus. I agree with you, there is way too many triggers.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

When I came here at eightteen, I thought that I'd be done at 22, to be honest. I had it all figured out: it would take me no more than five years and then I'd migrate. In the meantime, I'm 26... so it has taken me twice the time I'd envisioned and I'm not nearly done :eek: The younger students scare me when they turn twenty and start complaining about how "old" they are.

There was a thread on here not so long ago about feeling like a broken record. This feels like one: everytime I attempt to get through with it, I end up back in ptsd -quagmire. Maybe that's just the way things are when dealing with this disorder, and @DMerish, I think you're right about the frustration and unrealistic expectations. But it tends to disencourage me, it always does.

I do think in black and white too easily, it's one of the "perks" that comes with borderline. Also have a tendency to think in milestones, like "if I achieve this, I will be victorious ..." as if at such exact point in time I'd have defeated ptsd forever. I do admit that this kind of thought is more fairytale than reality and not quite based on experiences to the contrary.

Counselors are not particularly helpful when it comes to these things. All counselors have ever told me when I have described my difficulties, is: "quit". If I were to listen to them, I wouldn't be enrolled in university at all, and I think it's dissapointing that they'd be willing to give up so easily. On the other hand they might have a good point as my therapist mentioned it also.

I suposse I'm just scared to death of "going slow". When you feel like an arrow heading straight for the mark, all interruptions do indeed feel like epic failures in a heroic saga (blowing everything out of proportion is another borderline feat ;)). It feels humiliating. I guess I should learn that it is not that bad and that going slow doesn't mean I'm "defeated".

 

[Petchen]

Concentrate on reducing triggers.

Avoid the triggers that do not get worse by avoiding them.

If you need a break from school...set that up don't let things get screwed up by missing class...take a leave if you need it.

Have you set up disability with the school? Use it! Don't let teachers talk about your issue anywhere but private and use the services provided. Use free mental health at school.

Use your counselor or therapist to help with goals. Choose a goal to have done or get help with at or before next meeting. This helped me a lot.

Are you noise sensitive? Get a sound machine. (This helped me a lot, Chemistry sucks! )

Set goals even little ones. 1 a day. Incentivize!

Document! Save paper about your PTSD. In case for school. I had a note I gave to teachers because I couldn't even say the words...i have ptsd. most teachers are still in the dark ages anyway. Yes even socio and anth teachers. If you even think the teacher is one of those "haters" drop the class find a different teacher.

Read anthonys black and white thread.

ok hope that helps and pardon my blunt pedantic ways.
;-)
Been there done that.

 

[franciemarnie]

If you didn't have PTSD, things would be different but you do have it and there is no doubt it completely disrupts life unpredictably. If everyone had PTSD, everyone would think it amazing if anyone got their degree by 40.

I sort of look at life now with the view of how the flow is going. Like - am I trying to bend the river? If I keep trying to do one thing and all sorts of things get in my way over and over, I think maybe the universe is not big on me doing that at the moment or in the way I am going about doing it. I am trying to be more patient and take things slower. Like I enjoy being in good shape and was really increasing my endurance and strength but then I tore my glute, which meant I couldn't even walk for a while so after being upset, I thought I can still do weights and I can do ankle exercises and pretty soon I will be able to walk again and then build up strength again. I know this is nothing like a degree and I am all for your goal of getting one, but if you take a step back - maybe you could change the calendar a bit, consider taking one course at a time and maybe doing some art on your own if you have the desire since you have that talent. Maybe the universe is trying to guide you on a different path with the same end, but a better wider path you hadn't considered.

You will get your degree. I have no doubt. It's human nature to compare yourself with the people in class, but they don't have your past or your PTSD, so it isn't a fair comparison.