I Can't Escape It

[kagamine]

I hate this bs.

I made a post on instagram with a pic of my stuff being packed, relatively innocent, a comment about moving in two weeks and some hash tags. My hash tags in this case being #nobodycares and #documentingahobolife both of them being mostly in jest, because I move around a lot, and I don't usually post about my life on social media because 9 times out of 10, nobody cares , I only really have a facebook to keep in touch with old friends and I post here and there so people know I'm still kicking.

So my dad runs across this post, and decides to call me and tell me he's pissed off, because people will think my family doesn't care about me. He finds it offensive that I would imply that considering "he's done so much for me" which, to be honest those posts are supposed to be sarcastic and it wasn't actually lobbed at him or anyone. But in reality, what the hell has he done for me? Violently kick me out several times while I was a teenager leaving me homeless? Demean me?Emotionally and physically abuse me?

I do everything, I take care of my life, however successful I am at it. 99% of my family either ignores me politely or has abandoned me altogether. He feels the right to police my social networks and tell me all the things I'm doing wrong despite having no desire to actually help me in any concrete way, not that I'd take it or want it.

I maintain an awkward and delicate relationship with my father, because he is my father, because I've already lost my mom and I know what it's like to lose a parent and how it hurts despite whatever else. I can't hate either of them entirely but I don't feel warm and fuzzy and loving, that's for sure.

Don't know if that harsh, but it's where I'm at. He has no right after all these years, and it's clear he only cares that people might think bad things about my family. Guess what? I'm not covering for you anymore, I'm not responsible for maintaining the good family facade.

I've tried to cut him out before but I can never follow through with it. It's like I'm still waiting for my family to become normal and I'm just sitting around hoping for better. It's not going to be better.

 

[desiderata310]

Ok. First, BLOCK your dad. No, don't unfriend him, just block him so he can't see your posts. It's the kindest thing I've ever done for me and my mother. She can't deal with ANYTHING and everything gets taken out of context.

Second, you aren't alone in feeling like you're waiting around for your family to become normal. It's hard to push those people out of tour life even when the relationship is toxic. You don't have to but you DO have to set up solid boundaries. If your dad calls about that again you have to say only , "I'm sorry you feel that way" and tell him you can not talk. It's your life to lead not his.

Finally in his defense, even bad parents (speaking from experience) want to at least try to believe that we did the best we could- even when we failed miserably and ruined the relationship. Seeing something like that would probably have destroyed me, though I would have never called my child to Confront them about it.

 

[kagamine]

I may have overreacted a bit too, maybe I was harsh.

But it's like, what does my innocuous statement have to do with him? Nothing at all. More than anything it was self deprecating, but he chose to make something about me about him. Like it always seems to be. It's partially just our personal history that tripped me up so much, he denies some things ever happened and has told me that every abusive thing he's ever done to me was "because I made him" I know it's hard to look at yourself and acknowledge you weren't the best parent, which is why I don't go there. I'm not a child and I can only have a relationship with him knowing I'm an adult and that he can't mistreat me. But mostly, he wasn't even that angry that he assumed I was calling him a bad parent. He was angry other people might question his parenting.

Failing as a parent is one thing. Maybe it is guilt who knows? But it seems like more of the same.

If he calls again I'm not going there, I have a life independent of my family's opinions of me despite what they like to think and that's what's most frustrating.

I'm mostly just frustrated I can't even have my boundaries respected after growing up and moving out.

 

[anthony]

There is no right or wrong to these situations... like your post pretty much screams, its complicated. Familiar relationships are typically nothing but complicated. I find very few families, even close knit ones, who don't have some type of complication with someone in the family that is difficult or problematic.

Maybe the solution is to block them from your social media profiles, so they don't misconstrue such sarcastic comments in the future as personal?

 

[kagamine]

In retrospect, yeah, I kind of regret posting this it was a bit TMI. I guess the problem partially is that I post cryptic comments just as often as I say cryptic things, on social media people notice more, and not everyone takes it the right way. I forget sometimes that most people don't view things the way I do, which is why I can sometimes say messed up stuff casually.

I don't post very often on facebook because I don't want to be misunderstood, and this kind of reinforces that. I'm not going to delete it but I will take a hiatus from checking it for a while. I don't know if I'll block him, if he figures out I blocked I'm kind of worried about how he'll respond.

As for my dad. I can barely talk to him about anything more personal than the weather without it turning hostile, so for him to tell me what I can say on the internet is just too much.

I'm not entirely sure why I got so worked up, this thread topic probably should have gone in my diary, sorry :/

 

[anthony]

This is all learning... and one reason why I often say to people to start such posts with, "venting" or such word, just to let people know they are literally venting frustration or such, and things shouldn't be taken literal. That applies to social media...

 

[desiderata310]

It's ok as far a I am concerned. I have also learned that 'social media' is a very mixed blessing.

I went through leaving my ex and his crazy peroid of stalking me and making threats openly on Facebook. It was terrifying but very helpful. One night, I walked in to find the back window to my house standing wide open, as I was investigating (thinking the kids has locked themselves out and left it open) my BOSS called me to tell me to leave my house immediately as my husband had just made a very serious threat to my life on FB for all to see. He has left it up there for about an hour before taking it down.
Turns out he has been in the house looking for me.


I also learned to be very careful about what I SAY on FB because it could and often would be used against me. I quit putting much of anything up that eluded to my personal life. I instead started posting items I found amusing or inspirational only.

All that very long winded stuff to say, if your dad is your abuser(kind of sounds like he might be) taking precautions to shield yourself from his 'attacks' is something that would probably be well advised.

I hope your move goes well.