I Cant Live Like This Anymore

[DayZer0]

I am 43 years old and was diagnosed in 2009 with cptsd/major depression w/psychotic features, anxiety disorder w/agoraphobia.
I have always known something was horribly wrong, but trusting anyone especially a therapist was impossible, nothing like the therapist opening pandoras box then saying oh our hour is up see ya next week, meanwhile i would end up in a tailspin that would go days on end.
I cant hold a job, if i get a job i get triggered by something=tailspin=isolation=no more job, in the last 25 years I have had over 200 jobs.
My childhood was a living hell of physical, emotional and sexual abuse that started from the day i was born. All i know is that i didnt do this to me, and if one person tells me I should count my blessings that "i survived" i am gonna lose it, who says I wanted to survive, so I can live like this now?
I dont know what to do.

 

[The Albatross]

In my depressive state I don't want to breathe. But in my survivor state, I think of it as a starting point and try to face the adversity. It's the cards I got dealt, but how I play them is up to me.

 

[Srain]

I get it. I feel that way so often, most of my life. Much of Albatross said is how I feel. It's not fair it all falls on our shoulders to clean up their mess, it's not but there it is. I don't feel like I won the prize either, I'm just mopping it up.

I move forward or I suffer the circling vultures picking at me like I'm a corpse as they gather. No easy way out for this pigeon. Rude? I'm sorry, more or less I'm talking to myself remembering why I keep on the path I do. Some days are harder than others. Your question resonates with me deeply, I ask it over and over and the answer for me is a resounding NO! No, I cannot live this way, I must move forward, things must change.

Truth be told you are here because there are answers here. If you are seeking them I swear you will find them. Keep your mind open and work that little area of trust inside and if you don't have much left or you think you don't have any then "hope" for some. Look for a Trauma Therapist if you do not have one and begin the work. If you are already in it and are sick of the work or are stuck, then read up on those that have gotten through those times.

My childhood sounds much like yours, very very sucky!! I have spent years dealing with this garbage and at times I just don't think I can go one step further. Years? You may ask, yes, we each have our own path, mine is not yours so don't panic ;)

My heart goes out to you, very much. Sending light and strength.

Rain

 

[anthony]

All i know is that i didnt do this to me, and if one person tells me I should count my blessings that "i survived" i am gonna lose it, who says I wanted to survive, so I can live like this now?
I dont know what to do.

Maybe not... but you have it, so what are you going to do about fixing it? Well, here you are, that is a good start. You seem quite negative right now, yet complex trauma can be healed, symptoms reduced severely, you just have to really want to give it your 100% to achieve it. It will take a year or two, but its very achievable.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I hope you have had some good periods since your post.

I was involved in a study at a well known university that was a PTSD study. I was in it for a long time. They are finding so many things out. Not all our brain are effected the same way. Some show as actual damage. Some people have fragile brains to begin with. So all recovery does not begin in the same way.

You have a right to feel the way you do and recover at your own pace. I know what you mean about not feeling you can go on. One of my friends did not make it and he fought harder than a lot of people who judged him in the end. However, he had another DX since his childhood that very much complicated his ability to incorporate the treatment into his mind.

Try to keep going! Keep coming here and seeing what has helped others. Have you ever tried DBT therapy? (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). That was the only thing that helped me, but I moved and no one does it is my new area.

 

[Wonderer]

Hi,

You say 'All I know is that I didn't do this to me' and I cannot imagine anyone would deny it. But I think you know a lot more than you can begin to express from so much pain. Those who insist you 'count your blessings that "you survived" are obviously reacting to the horror of what you are describing because they cannot begin to know what is happening inside you...so don't lose it...

I also come from complex PTSD (I like to call it fixed PTSD) as abuse is my intro and beginning in this world. To this day I have never had anyone in my life who knows my complete history. I know your pain under the therapy clock, I've been there...

I know something else; of course you don't want to 'survive' you want to LIVE. You've invested 43 years and 200 beginnings! I think you are resilient and I'd really like to know why you doubt this? Here is an ABSOLUTE FACT: you are the only you that has ever existed and ever will. You don't owe the those that robbed you of the ability to live from this gentle warm affirming insight anymore of your life.

I hope my comments do not add to your pain and I think your are doing the best you can.

 

[Behindthemirror]

I have to agree, to give up would be giving the people that have already drained you of life what little life you have left...and I am speaking from experience. I tried to end my life November 20, 2010, I barely survived and I can say with MUCH certainty I am SO GLAD I WAS NOT successful! Yes, PTSD COMPLEX...sucks! It's hard work and there are days when, like you, I wonder why I bother. The reality is I am going on everyday because I refuse to let them win...they took enough of my life. I know that we do not know one another but I truly hope my words will make a difference to you. I have to believe I was put on this earth for a purpose and that purpose was not to suffer. I will find answers, and, so will you. Keep pushing forward, you owe that to YOURSELF! I think you're doing a GREAT job!

 

[Heather]

You are absolutely 100% correct DayZero it sucks that other people did these horrible things to us and we're left to mop up the mess. I spent 20 years feeling resentful of that fact and I remained stuck because of it. I was suicidal, cutting myself and in and out of psychiatric hospitals.

It wasn't until I realized that l had to stop looking outside of myself and to have and other people fix the problem. My therapist just said to me that I am totally 100% responsible for myself, my actions and my behavior. And I am no longer allowed to blame. Totally not fair and completely NO FUN:p. But I realized he is RIGHT. True healing starts with me. I agree with Anthony

Maybe not... but you have it, so what are you going to do about fixing it?.

No one can do it for you. That has to come from you and making that choice can sometimes be the hardest part of the healing process. Because you are right it's not fair!! And getting over that maybe the hardest part.

I wish you peace. Heather

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I am 43 years old and was diagnosed in 2009 with cptsd/major depression w/psychotic features, anxiety disorder w/agoraphobia.

I was 35 when I was diagnosed with the nearly the same diagnoses as you plus one more. No medications really helped my depression until I was diagnosed and properly treated for hypothyroidism 20 years later. Nothing like doctors treating half the person. :rolleyes:

I have always known something was horribly wrong, but trusting anyone especially a therapist was impossible, nothing like the therapist opening pandoras box then saying oh our hour is up see ya next week, meanwhile i would end up in a tailspin that would go days on end.

Oh yeah, same here about the therapist. Many times I went home feeling raw and exposed. Sometimes it took all the courage I could muster to go back and get rubbed raw and exposed again. It felt as if someone had rubbed 40 grit industrial grade sandpaper on an open wound.

I cant hold a job, if i get a job i get triggered by something=tailspin=isolation=no more job, in the last 25 years I have had over 200 jobs.

Me too. A therapist, one of many before I found the best one for me, helped me get on disability because I couldn't work. And that's when I got serious about my recovery. I took an attitude of now I'm getting paid to heal from the abuse. ;) :cool:

My childhood was a living hell of physical, emotional and sexual abuse that started from the day i was born. All i know is that i didnt do this to me, and if one person tells me I should count my blessings that "i survived" i am gonna lose it, who says I wanted to survive, so I can live like this now?
I dont know what to do.

My childhood was too. I dealt with same feelings for years even while working on my recovery. It was especially hard after a '40 grit' therapy session.

What to do? Dive in and work on your recovery.

 

[IchBin]

I'm sad to hear stories like yours, but happy that you're here. That's a big deal. The ability to take responsibility for your own healing is empowering and a big step. I've felt the same 'I don't know if I can live like this anymore' type of thing thousands of times, but hey, I guess I'm still here, and so are you. Sometimes I like to think of it as a snub to those who hurt you, sort of like, "You know what? You didn't beat me, because I'm still here, and I'm going to prove I can make something better of myself despite what happened to me."

Peace