I Can't Possibly Have This

[ms spock]

Oh and now I'm worried the residential place will contact the CC and she'll think I'm using them to chase her and hate me. I know I'm a nag, I know I'm annoying, I know I sometimes don't hide well enough that I think she isn't doing her job properly.

But she might not think that at all. She might not think anything, but I have to fill out those forms I have been meaning to fill out and just do that.

But gosh I so understand those fears and I don't know what to say but I get stuck in those places as well.

 

[ms spock]

I've never though of that as a flashback. I have seen it referred to as "made thoughts".

I frequently find that as I pass through a doorway I think / believe " I have no right to exist", and I am increasingly finding that I can't think of any medicines without thinking about taking large numbers of them. .

Have you read about emotional flashbacks? Reliving those painful memories and thinking through overwhelming feelings, is a form of emotional flashback to my way of understanding things at this time.

Have you read about Internal Family Systems (Schwartz, 1995) Seems to me your Managers and Fire fighters are fighting to keep those Exiles away. That is a hard way to live life. Everyone with that amount of pain needs help.

You are remembering your trauma through feelings and your body. (van der Kolk, 1995)

Give peace and your poor amydagala a chance @stenni (also for entertainment purposes like @Neverthesame).

 

[shimmerz]

You drove a car into the part front of the building?

I feel like this should be a whole different posting. This sounds like a 'sit down with popcorn' post. :rolleyes:

I know I'm a nag, I know I'm annoying,

As I used to say to my ex AND ex ex husband. You get the right to treat me like a nag when you actually get off your ass and do something that is helpful. :sour:

 

[Sandstone]

I am not totally sure why you are arguing against the frequency of one specific symptom.

I don't trust myself. I don't know what normal looks like, so I don't know which bits of my experience are abnormal. The more I read, the more I can pathologies my day to day experience. But I have to balance that against the normal tendency to read a medical dictionary and acquire every disease in the book. I grew up with a mother who has been convinced since I was 13 that I have TB - it's nonsense, but if her judgement was that out, then by heredity or conditioning mine probably is too.

Can you do any self soothing? I often can't so no judgement there, though I am improving.

I don't think I'm distressed or agitated, just normally unhappy.

This is not the way healthy people live.

This is a constant theme for me with latest T. I've completely forgotten that any of this is out of the ordinary - it has become my normal, because life is just like that. So I don't report things as symptoms; for me they are just life.

nappy rash cream.

No, I was wondering whether it was possible to be affected percutaneously. Just an example that there are bits of my mind that aran't to be trusted. I won't allow the prescription of any drugs for me, because as soon as I think about them I want to take seven

She still hasn't phoned.

 

[ms spock]

I don't trust myself. I don't know what normal looks like, so I don't know which bits of my experience are abnormal. The more I read, the more I can pathologies my day to day experience. But I have to balance that against the normal tendency to read a medical dictionary and acquire every disease in the book. I grew up with a mother who has been convinced since I was 13 that I have TB - it's nonsense, but if her judgement was that out, then by heredity or conditioning mine probably is too.

Maybe not - was she as aware of you that she had problems with working things out?

Heredity or conditioning don't always follow. You experience is real and important, even though your mother never validated it for you.

You are in a very difficult situation waiting for treatment which is activated your neglect, attachment and/or abandonment issues.

I don't think I'm distressed or agitated, just normally unhappy.

Okay so unhappy needs self soothing and comforting as well.

 

[ms spock]

She still hasn't phoned.

And this is not easy or helpful for you.

 

[Sandstone]

Okay so unhappy needs self soothing and comforting as well.

Oooh! Challenging idea!

You are saying that unhappy isn't
a) perfectly normal
b) entirely my fault
c) morally wrong
d) shameful

 

[ms spock]

You are saying that unhappy isn't
a) perfectly normal
b) entirely my fault
c) morally wrong
d) shameful

I am saying that unhappy is not perfectly normal - didn't know that whilst I was growing up though.
Indeed it is not entirely your fault at all - I understand the complex trauma self hatred, self loathing and nameless dread though.
Unhappy isn't morally wrong in my book.
Unhappy isn't shameful either - it can be a little bit sad, and a shame that it feels like that to you so much.

 

[ms spock]

You are in a very difficult situation waiting for treatment which is activated your neglect, attachment and/or abandonment issues.

And you have waited for a very long time.

 

[Sandstone]

It seems I don't have them in my budget after all. It was the Care Co-ordinator who suggested it

Ok I've done what I can. I've phoned the Residential place itself and arranged to visit them. That is reasonable, since I have them in my Budget for a week already. I need to know if it a place I can feel safe for four weeks. I'm fairly confident of that, it has good write-ups.

I'm fretting because
the woman I spoke to seemed surprised they didn't know about me
I've never seen a copy of the Budget or linked plan,
and suppose it isn't included at all?


but I'm pretty sure it is in, as I had to sort out a problem with the Finance Dept. at the council, who thought the whole Budget was under contingency when only the respite part of it was. So surely the contingent part must have been in?

It seems I don't have them in my budget after all. It was the Care Co-ordinator who suggested it, and she told me it was in the plan. Given what i've written above, I don't understand. It's all turning out very "Through the Looking Glass" . I thought it was odd when I asked the CC if I should contact the Respite place, and she said no.

Suppose I'd been desperate and needed it.They have so few NHS beds, I'd have been on my own. I just do't understand what happened. Was it some form of money-saving - if it wasn't approved I couldn't spend that bit of budget and they could take it back? Now I'm going to have to demand to see the documentation, and she will tell me I have problems with trust.

 

[Sandstone]

Went to visit yesterday. It didn't help that I was having a grim day. It's in a lovely setting, the view alone would recommend it. It was noisy though, and I like . There was a big commercial freezer in the dining room that was so loud it restricted conversation, and music TV playing in the main living room.

The people seemed OK. However I'm not sure it would do its main function of stopping me OD - I'd be able to go out and buy anything, and be left alone enough to take it. Maybe there would be enough contact to pick up the change in my mood, but I know I'm hard to read.