I Can't Take Much More.

[Elena Farely]

Everyday... Every single day... Suicide is on my mind. And it doesn't stop. Every day I'm close to giving in. My partner is always giving me little speeches about what will happen if I do take my life at any point. And the things he says sometimes hurts. Because I then think about what affect it will have mainly on him. He's been down the road before of people hurting him. But I don't know about how losing a girlfriend to suicide. I feel like I'm just bringing him down everyday with all my problems, constant bugging, flashbacks, depression.. Just everything...

But I just can't see reasons other than him and a select few others to keep going. I'm not getting anywhere in life. My debt is still there, my mother is basically dangling in my face that she will pay $2000 off my $5000 debt. She got me into a second debt of $400 or so. Which she paid off. But still always brings up that I'm in debt.

"I don't know how you got it into your head that killing yourself will make peoples lives better but it won't. If you die you leave me behind to face this world by myself. Even with people depending on me do you really think I can cope alone? even for a month? I am not as strong as I look"

"and so you want to die and leave me alone? Thanks."

That's just a couple of things he has said to me. And I just get scared when he says those things.

 

[Lionheart]

I couldn't help but notice the thread title, "I can't take much more" and decided I wanted to write you.

I have been there and it is an awful place to be in one's life! I used to drink a gallon of whiskey, take handfuls of sleeping pills, cut on myself with razor blades, and pray to die.....I was so miserable. But what I finally came to realize is that I didn't really want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop.

I don't know if you are are in therapy or take medication to help with PTSD symptoms, but depression seems to go hand in hand with trauma and it really complicates things.

The thought, "I can't take much more" is probably not very helpful, but I think I understand how you must feel. I used to have constant suicidal thoughts and even had a plan to kill myself, but instead I checked myself into the hospital for a 72 hour "vacation" *(several different times). There I was safe from harming myslef and I could take time to focus on getting myself well again.

I hope that you won't hurt yourself. I was a cutter and now realize that my actions were a cry for help.

What I can say from my own experience is that with the proper support, your quality of life can get much better!! It won't always be so intense and overwhelming and eventually the urge to hurt yourself will diminish, but the pain that you feel must be dealt with head on. For me, this took professional help.

I realize that I don't really know you, but I have been through a living hell because of trauma and depression and want to offer you my support. I wonder if it seems to you that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, that is what I once believed, but I want you to know that you can get through this and have a better quality of life if you will continue moving forward.

I am a male survivor of severe, prolonged sexual and physical child abuse and have had years of therapy and medication management. The healing journey takes guts, determination, and a bit of blind faith that things will get better.

Anyway, Please feel free to message me if you need a shoulder to lean on. I receive email notifications and will most likely get your message even if I am not logged in to the forum.

....and one more thing, your decision to continue the journey must be for yourself and not for other people, not your hubby or significant other, but for you alone. You are worthy of a better quality of life, free from the urge to harm yourself and I hope you will find the strength and courage you need.

Wishing you peace, comfort and healing,
Lion

 

[squirtsmom]

I hear you loud and clear Elena! If okay, gentle(((HUGS)))! Know those hurtful words are because he maybe scared that you will do something. He may be worried about you and love you to pieces. He may not know how to respond to you without lashing out like he has. Not sure but this maybe why he is saying the mean things to you,

Know others care about you and want you to live!

 

[Elena Farely]

Thank you Lion. That was very uplifting to read that you had made it through so far.

Squirts, He does care about me very much but I hate putting so much on him. He says I don't stress him out, it's other things that do but I can't help but feel everything is always my fault.

 

[squirtsmom]

Know that he loves you and hopefully no matter what transpires that he will be there for you during this time of need.

Here is praying if okay with you that things straighten around for you and you work through the PTSD with some help.

 

[Elena Farely]

He's been there for me all through highschool when I knew him up until now which is about 6-7 years now we've known each other and dated just over 6 months now. It's just becoming a pain feeling like I put everything onto my partner because I trust him with everything, it's why I tell him everything so he understands what is happening with me mentally at the time.

But then I feel like all I am is a burden and would be better off dead.

 

[squirtsmom]

Know that he cares about you obviously. As he has stuck around even when you have told him some hard stuff.

I am not gonna deny how you feel but I believe he wants to see you happy and his partner. Not putting words in his mouth either but someone that has stuck with you through thick and thin is worth staying around for.

I wish I had someone like that in my life.

 

[Srain]

Elana, I understand those words and year after year I go through times feeling what you are now can be so debilitating that looking for a way out become s a mantra of sorts for me. I love my husband, he is kind and caring but I have say that his being this way can be an extra burden when I am feeling so wiped out from the symptoms that bear down on me. A good thing/bad thing of sorts?

I believe Anthony and/or other members put correctly when they said "I can't take much more of how I'm feeling right now", not so much about living as it is FEELING the I feel right now.

For most of my life I've lived with SI and many many times I have attempted to take myself out of the equation only in the phase of my life I have loved ones that "plague" me with guilt ... they would actually be effected by my checking out. I hate them for it at those times and I feel overwhelmed that I could be so loved at this stage of my that I would even matter that much. I hope this makes sense.

Your partner is there for you in the here and now. Your mother is pushing OLD BUTTONS. I'm familiar with this, my suggestion would to be to work on the old issues and how to deal with her nonsense so that you can enjoy the fact someone loves you just as you are right now.

Peace and healing,
Rain

If this fits okay, if not, no worries.

 

[Christian Price]

Elena, Please don't ever give up on yourself. As a person who indeed used suicide as a way to release himself from the pain I hated I quit on my life. I was at the place you are in life and I progressed to the day I took a rifle into the woods away from help. I imagined I would "fly" away and when I pushed the trigger I realized I'd been lied to. Suicide is a grizzly way to die. The amount of violence dosed into one's life necessary to cause life to cease broke the "drunken" stupor of a lie I'd been listening to for 7 months "suicide will make the pain go away." I regretted what I'd done. The moment was over in the flash of a light but my body is still tender to touch and I suffer from PTSD as a result. Please don't listen to the lie.

Your of value. There is only one of you. I hated I quit on my life and realized life is a gift. When the bullet hit me I would have gladly taken 100 fold reasons why I had just shot myself through the chest to have one more day to live. God bless.

 

[Elena Farely]

I've had the idea for years, if I die, things will be better for everyone. Sometimes when I think of that, I think of what my partner has said to me. And when we were in highschool, we were best friends. Well, I thought of him to be my best friend. But I don't know if he just thought I was someone, a friend, something.. I don't know. And then I remember when we talked one night over MSN and we made a pact. Neither one of us could kill ourselves or die until the other does. He reminds me of that too.

"Remember the promise we made to each other"
"It was just a silly little thing in highschool. It doesn't count"
"It does *****... It's a real promise. Please keep it"
"I don't know if I can"
"Please try... For me..."

Trying is the hardest thing to do.

My mum brought up a carers pension for Centrelink for those caring (Pfft... She doesn't care about me at all.. Or even attempts to...) for someone with Disability/ies. It wasn't a question about a pension for me.. Rather a paycheck and a reason she does not have to work if she was placed as my carer. She doesn't care about my mental or physical conditions. She just wants me for money. And it makes me feel even more worthless. And if I died, she'd just be worried about spending her own money on a funeral.. That or she'd bury me in the backyard next to one of our dead dogs.

My psychologist asked me yesterday to record everyday when/if my emotions. I felt meh today at work... I visited my partner. It was less than an hour. But I felt happy lying next to him and just hugging up to him. Talking to him in general. I get home, heated up dinner my mother left on the bench in the kitchen (for over an hour I presume. It was solid and cold when I got home) and when I went to eat it, there was plastic in the meat and I started to choke. I eventually coughed it up before running out of air. I later told mum. She looked at me and seemed like she didn't care and just said: "Oh.. sorry.." and walked out of the room. Later on, the discussion of the pension came up. I told her: I wont be making a full decision until I find out what is wrong with me in FULL. Not just at a random point thinking I can get away with it. She just wants money... And since getting home, I've been depressed.

I enjoy children's cartoons. Specific ones of course. But, especially My Little Pony; Friendship is Magic. Lauren Faust has made some amazing cartoons. And I followed onto watching her generation of MLP. I sometimes watch it or listen to the songs to make me smile.. Especially the song Smile. But I just can't smile right now. My partner likes it when I smile. I don't know how long until I can really smile again. I guess maybe I'll try again when I see my partner again. (

)

 

[Tinyflame]

Elena I don't mean this as unkind, I know how very difficult it is, but I don't see your partners words as unkind.
I think you are very fortunate to have someone that loves you that much, and obviously you are worth it.

Things can, and will, get better, but you must be the one to initiate the changes and work. Like battling a disease.

Emotional Flashbacks may be really wearing you down.

Imagine how you would feel if someone you love is always one moment from death.
Not to make you feel badly, but to realize you must take the bull by the horns to deal with this.
((((Hugs)))), it will get better.

 

[Elena Farely]

I gave in the other night.. Tried and failed. I had to see 2 mental health professionals within the same hour and I had to speak with them about my problems. Repeating myself to both of them so they knew the story. The second time round, I just didn't want to be around anymore and just had to leave. The first professional I saw wanted to up my dosage of the anti-psychotics pills to see if it would help. He kept asking to not try anything until he could start more treatment on me.

The second professional saw my current mental state as "fascinating" that I had skipped several steps towards the outcome I had planned.

My partner is now the most hated person in the world right now in the eyes of my blood relatives. He knows what I've been going through, I asked him to visit me after I took the pills. I tried to take more but he held me down and hid the box from me. He told me to leave with him. Out of the house that has broken me down so bad. I felt tired less than 20 minutes after taking said pills. Walking to his place with him was hard because I was wobbling the entire walk. I was extremely tired. I slept a fair few times at his place (Between 2pm and 7pm).

He took care of me but then I lost hearing for a moment and he called an ambulance. I protested but he did it anyway. My heart rate went up when in the ambulance. I vomited and my heart rate went extremely high. I stayed over night in the hospital. I was sleeping and waking up every so often. And we waited hours for a doctor. My partner stayed until 2 am with me and then left. I was in and out of it all night. Poison control said all the medications would do, for the amount I took, would only make me very tired.

I had to see a mental health assessor to see if I was well enough to leave. I didn't like her. She was from a previous free medical health centre I had been to before for counselling because my mother didn't want to waste time/money on a real professional. As well as that service had told my mother in detail everything I said not to tell her... So I didn't feel safe or trusting around this woman. She got things I said to her wrong right after saying them. She discredited my psychiatrist because my psychiatrist was trying to get me into a group therapy but things had changed in the last few months and made it those over 18 could not attend the group. She did not get that information and this woman had the nerve to have a say about my psychiatrist who had actually been LISTENING to me and trying to HELP ME.

And now I'm now only allowed at home with my mother. My partner can visit me but I cannot visit him. I see the reason for not trusting him right now. But I am going crazy inside these walls. I know I brought this on myself but everything got to me and I wanted to take the cowards way out. But everything had just gotten to me and I couldn't take it anymore.