Sexual Assault Why Now Am I Much More Upset?

[Moxie]

So, I was a victim of acquaintance rape. He would do this by coercion, guilt tripping, indirectly mentioning suicide, and being very persistent. This happened multiple times over the past few years. The coping skill I went with was the toxic self-blame. It felt like I had a lot more control over the situation believing that I was the bad guy. But then I heard that he did it to someone else, so I took it public (on a VERY small scale, to the other person he did it to, as well as the acquaintances female roommate).

Well, in the past, right after it happened and I felt a tad bit safer (clothed, and usually a day or two later), when I told him it made me uncomfortable and to never do it again. In the moment, he'd profusely apologize say how he felt sick to his stomach and wanted to blow his brains out for what he did. Only to, a short time later (days/weeks) refer to it as me cheating on my husband. Which in turn convinced me I was.

After finding out he did it to someone else I knew personally (she didn't know it happened to me) I confronted him privately, he gave the same suicidal comments so I left it alone.

Then I found out he did it to her again. I somewhat feel responsible. I ALSO found out as of NOW, he's done this to four women in total. That's just the women who have come out about it.

I feel so awful. It's hard to blame me for what he did to me, knowing that he did it to other people. And I am now blaming me, for not literally harming him (for lack of a PG word), now that he's done this to a loved one as well, and especially after me. I feel like if I had done something more, it would've prevented it from happening again to me and other people.

I tried to explain to him multiple times that this wasn't okay, and he needed to stop. Again, after the very last time I brought up to him privately, that it wasn't okay. He did it again.

So, I decided to have a conversation about having a confrontation, to the other victim (who I knew personally), and the rapists female roommate. Things got a little out of control.

His roommate basically ignored him like the plague before we were ready to have the confrontation. He was visibly angry and upset so I let him know why we were upset. He immediately went on a smear campaign. Saying things to me like

"Show me what the professionals use to indicate what sexual assault is, and I'll believe you."
"That was seduction. Not coercion."
"No, you cheated on your significant other."
"It's your responsibility to say no. This is your fault. "
"You should wear different clothes"

I don't know why I feel worse now. But I think it's because now that it's kind of hard to convince myself it's my fault and makes it more scary. And because hes done this to others. I feel guilty for trying to be kind and careful about bringing it up to him. Is that the reason it's hitting me so hard now? Because I've come to the full realization of what he did and that it was HIS fault?

I just need to understand all of this and get some clarity because I can't calmly be around people (especially men) and I've now cut my hair off with a razor, and taken one to my skin, as well as locked my animals up because I just cannot handle being around cats (he had one, and it's a reminder, I am rehoming them tomorrow). I harmed myself BEFORE when he did this and I felt depressed and anxious, but why is it worse now that he got angry with me?

 

[Sideways]

Can you seperate yourself from him? At least for a while. It’s harmful to you to communicate with him right now, so if you can, try and put some (at least temporary measures) in place to protect yourself from that.

Do you have a therapist that is helping you with the emotional fallout that you’re having to deal with? You don’t need to be dealing with this alone.

 

[Weemie]

There is no purpose in speaking with him when he is clearly not invested in the process of restorative justice. I speak from experience as a perpetrator - talking with the people you have victimized needs to come from a place of intent to repair the harm you have caused.

That starts with being able to fully acknowledge it. Without guilt tripping. Without blaming. Without shaming and minimizing. Until he can say the words "I am a rapist," without equivocation, he is not and nor will he ever be capable of having a genuine, authentic conversation with you about this.

You keep talking to him and trying to induce this interaction because you are looking for closure and certainty, but you will not find it with him. He is your abuser and he is not interested in participating in a mutual process of reconciliation. He wants to avoid what he has done.

If I ever had a victim come forward and explain to me how I had harmed them the very last thing I would do is go on and on about how I want to kill myself. My emotions in that moment are for me to handle on my own time as at that moment it is about helping my victim, not myself.

That is emotionally manipulative behavior designed to turn the focus onto me and to have you reassure me and make me feel better for shit that I have done to you. That is not your responsibility.

Name him and shame him to your friends, and stop trying to communicate with him. To be very blunt: he is not your friend any longer, and he was probably never your friend in the first place. Cut him off. Start the healing process for yourself, and forget about involving him in that effort as he is clearly uninterested in doing so.

 

[Moxie]

Can you seperate yourself from him? At least for a while. It’s harmful to you to communicate with him right now, so if you can, try and put some (at least temporary measures) in place to protect yourself from that.

Do you have a therapist that is helping you with the emotional fallout that you’re having to deal with? You don’t need to be dealing with this alone.

We're separated now. After I found out that he did it to someone I care about along with his response. I cut him off.

I met my rapist through a foster kid (Well call him Bob) I had dated in 2016, who was my rapist's nephew. I was a child who had come from a broken home. So and even after Bob and I broke up, his foster mother (my rapists' sister) and father claimed me as their own. Unfortunately, due to the pain caused by the FULL realization of the assault. I had to cut off Bob's family along with my rapist. It was so heart breaking. I think a huge part because it's hitting me so hard now is that I had to cut off a majority of what was my family. But to be fair, the mother and father were extremely abusive. This was something I didn't realize until earlier last year. But even so, I am destroyed that I had to go no-contact with my brothers and sisters because of this. I know they're confused and don't understand. (To be clear, me and this family aren't related whatsoever)

It's been suggested by a friend, that my friend that was also SAd by my rapist being around was causing my upset. I promised her when we became friends that I wouldn't abandon her like everyone else has. I don't want to be controlling, but I think this is what's causing the raw pain to linger

There is no purpose in speaking with him when he is clearly not invested in the process of restorative justice. I speak from experience as a perpetrator - talking with the people you have victimized needs to come from a place of intent to repair the harm you have caused.

That starts with being able to fully acknowledge it. Without guilt tripping. Without blaming. Without shaming and minimizing. Until he can say the words "I am a rapist," without equivocation, he is not and nor will he ever be capable of having a genuine, authentic conversation with you about this.

You keep talking to him and trying to induce this interaction because you are looking for closure and certainty, but you will not find it with him. He is your abuser and he is not interested in participating in a mutual process of reconciliation. He wants to avoid what he has done.

If I ever had a victim come forward and explain to me how I had harmed them the very last thing I would do is go on and on about how I want to kill myself. My emotions in that moment are for me to handle on my own time as at that moment it is about helping my victim, not myself.

That is emotionally manipulative behavior designed to turn the focus onto me and to have you reassure me and make me feel better for shit that I have done to you. That is not your responsibility.

Name him and shame him to your friends and stop trying to communicate with him. To be very blunt: he is not your friend any longer, and he was probably never your friend in the first place. Cut him off. Start the healing process for yourself and forget about involving him in that effort as he is clearly uninterested in doing so.

You are right about this. I have ceased talking to him as of a few weeks ago. After I saw through my own self-blame and saw the reality. It became easy to stop talking to him. It took me a few days to be able to block him. I was scared he would get mad. But I succeeded in fully blocking him. I ended up having to block his family as well, who was like family to me, much more so than my own, with no explanation. I think this is part of the reason I so desperately want him to just ADMIT to it. This family sees me as a daughter, but the matriarch is the rapists sister, and they have heavily victim blamed me in the past. So I feel like if he was accountable with me, and admitted it to them, I could remain in their lives. But I know now that this is unachievable until my rapist takes accountability. Which is highly unlikely.

I don't have very many friends outside of our mutual friend group. Only one of my friends is outside of the friend group but she is kind of... harsh... regarding the situation. I wouldn't say rude. But she is very iron fisted about it. It's very hard to speak with her about it.

But, I just cannot stop talking about it. It feels like my head is going to explode. I am confused as to why I was so silent about it for so so so long and am just now fully opening up.

 

[arfie]

I don't know why I feel worse now.

i still have no precise clarity on "why," but i like the onion analogy. peel away the noisy paper covering and i keep finding more layers underneath. the nearer that sweet, juicy heart at the center, the stronger the tears flow. the tears begin to subside after i have digested the heart of the onion.

just metaphoring around. . .

 

[Weemie]

But, I just cannot stop talking about it. It feels like my head is going to explode. I am confused as to why I was so silent about it for so so so long and am just now fully opening up.

It's called flooding! After a serious stressor we sometimes can't keep a handle on our emotions and it all comes spewing out. After not speaking it for so long your mind and body are desperate to expel this garbage.

Good news is that this forum here is the exact place to do that. It's healthier than throwing an avalanche of rape and hell at random strangers (which I have done! Lmao so much for stability) and we are people who really do get it who won't look at you sideways.

Except maybe @Sideways (heeeee. Get it??? God I am so funnaaay.)