I can't

[Muttly]

I hate taht I'm making a whiny post. I don't know what else to do
this feels like my breaking point
But Ive been here before and I always drag myself through
I am so freaking tired
But I've been here before and I always drag myself through
What if this is the time time I don't though? When do I get to say "enough"
But I've been here before and I always drag myself through
I know a lot of this is situational, but that doesn't really help. And if it's situational does that make it any less legitimate?
I know, I know, I've been here before and I always drag myself through
If I don't go to work today I won't be able to pay my bills. Even if I go to work, it's doubtful. I can pay my bills. I'm so exhausted. I don't think I can do it.
I know, I've been here before and we will go to work
And just get more tired. And someone will put on a friendly, professional face and no one in the outside world will have any idea. And that makes it feel worse.
And this is nothing but a whine.
And I'm reverting to old thought patterns
And yeah, I've been here before and always dragged myself through
(So the voices say I shouldn't be making this post)
I am so tired
I want to give up
I wish it were an option.
sorry, for taking up this space
because I always drag myself through so I don't really need to be wasting peoples time with this drivel

 

[expectingbetter]

You are not wasting anyone's time.
I hear you. And feel you.
I don't know if that could help you anyhow, but I feel currently exactly like you.
I know how much it hurts.
And I know exactly what the sentence you repeated so many times feel like in reality.
Thank you having strength to share this, I don't even have that much.
We know we will drag ourselves from this again.
But it hurts like hell.
Supportive, understanding hugs from someone who feels the same at the moment.

 

[Teasel]

Me too @Muttly :hug:

 

[AnD]

And me too. Please write some more to easy the pain in your heart

 

[Lionheart]

Hi @Muttly ,

Please forgive me for not quite getting it, but what exactly is causing you to be so tired? Are you just weary of the "end-of-the-month-crunch" (that many of us face) or is it something more? Even if your depressed mood is situational, it doesn't make it any less upsetting for you, I am sure.

Depression is a *^$%&$#+$%@!!! as is PTSD!!!

There is a difference between letting go and giving up, if ya know what I mean. You can let go of putting pressure on yourself by doing your best and accepting that it is all any of us can do.....and you are reaching out too which is good!!! Do you have any vacation time coming to you that you might could take?

Sounds to me like some good self-care is in order and I hope you will take time to comfort and pamper yourself as we all need to be extra special good to ourselves when we are feeling low.

I worked at a job until I literally could no longer stand on my own two feet and then I had to apply for disability benefits. I hope this will not be the case for you, but I understand what it means to get tired and weary of being on the struggle. It bites to say the least and I am sorry that you are having a tough time.

I hope your day improves and that you get the rest and relaxation that you deserve.

Peace,
Lionheart

 

[Freida]

(So the voices say I shouldn't be making this post)

@Muttly tell the voices they can kiss my happy ass. You are not whining. You are sharing how you feel so that those around you can help support you. That's why we are all here. For support and help as we try to navigate this exhausting, depressing, irritating, confusing, annoying, sad, frustrating world of ptsd.

You can hold on. You can make it through the day. We will help you. We will share our strength when yours is low. Today is your day to need help and on another day it will be your turn to offer it to someone else. that's how this works. The voices don't get a vote in that process.

 

[ladee]

^^^^^^^ Everything @Freida said !!!! And lots of hugs from all of us... sending a little extra energy and if everyone has a little to spare, then maybe you will have enough to get thru the day.... we only have today.... Thank the Universe.... !!!!

 

[Muttly]

@expectingbetter thanks. your words meant a lot. I am sorry you are going through this

@Freida Ha, you made me laugh.

@Lionheart777 Nope, vacation is definitely not an option. Almost a year ago, I left my secure job that I'd been at for 15 years. I wasn't happy there and hadn't been for quite some time. I decided to chase my dream. I opened up a pet sitting (and other services) business. I also took on a lead-level job at a grocery store. So, no paid vacation time and no money. I knew this year would be super hard and in many ways a make or break. I've been plagued by low level health issues this year. My car died and after shelling out too much money I had to accept facts and buy one. Almost 4 weeks ago I had a fall at work and blew out my knew. And while it's now clear I need surgery (probably should have been sooner) the whole process keeps dragging out. I'm still working although on light duty. I am still doing some pet jobs but I had to cancel several. I should get money from work (Workman's comp) but I don't know when and as it stands I don't have enough money to pay my next bills. I can't even take a sick day. I have almost no help around the house and am taking care of my 5 animals, one of which is a very disabled dog and needs lots of extra help.

I have a temporary tenant and there was talk about making it a long term relationship. I need the money but I'm not sure what his plans are and he seems to be wanting a caretaker. There's stress there.

I'm not happy about my relationship with my boyfriend. I .. I really just need to accept what his capacity is and change my expectations.

And on top of the PTSD/DID issues I have neurological issues (dyslexia, executive function, etc) that make life a bit more interesting. And all that gets worse when I'm tired. so... Monday I finally got my MRI for my knee. It wasn't fun. I left, drove to the pet store and discovered I didn't have my driver's license. Fortunately, the hospital found it. So, I had to drive back to the hospital. Its just more energy used. More stress. More time using my leg. And it just burns me out further. Today, on the way to the orthopedic surgeon to find out what the official diagnosis and plan for my knee is, I realized I didn't have the CD with the MRI. Turned around and went back but ended up being too late for the appointment and again, it was hassle, energy, stress. The good news is they got me in tomorrow at a much closer location with a different doctor who primary expertise is knees. That's just the two biggest examples, but the disorganization is grinding. And people, please, please don't reassure me that everyone forgets things. I know that. That isn't my point. That reassurance doesn't help. For one thing, I also know I have more significant issues in these areas than "normal" people. I've lived with it my whole life and have developed a ton of coping skills. But the struggle is more than what the average person experiences. And at times, like now, it adds to life's challenges in a significant way.

 

[Muttly]

This whole thread is just attention seeking and stupid. Shouldn't have made it it.

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I have both ADHD and CPTSD (yaaay).
So, I get the whole being extra forgetful thing.
I once lost my entire car. It wasn't just hard to find in the parking lot, I literally could not remember where I had put it.
When you have PTSD plus other things effecting your brain it can feel like the whole world is grinding down on you.
I know that feeling of just the pain and energy drain forgetfulness can cause.
And also it can make people pissed at you and not understand.
And also it can cause those critical voices to start up.
I try to say myself, "There is that critical inner voice again. That is from the past."
I try to use validation for myself
"It is understandable that you feel so bad with all that has happened "
You are not whining by posting.
I hope all goes well with your surgery.
Things will get better.
This will pass.
You can survive this. I am glad you are following your dreams.

 

[Tinyflame]

No it's not whining @Muttly. It's trying to find a way to hang on when everything seems to indicate otherwise.

:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Victory]

Me three, Muttly.
Hang tight...