I could have done so much more.

[rumor18894]

by this point im so used to the depression/heartbreak feeling when crying that the twinge feels good. good to know I even have emotions at this point tbh
see like
was watching a movie and the heroine was so in love with this guy that couldn't love her back because he was dealing with his own depression and it was an exact parallel of my own college experience and then she tried to jump in front of a train and didn't have the guts and her expression was so.... like i just understood the wave of "wow i can't even do that" sooo so much and its set me off aghh

also that phrase "didnt have the guts" is so wrong but i cant find a better phrase to describe the situation

like have you ever been so taken aback by your own response to something

i think im more scared that the first thing I thought of was "She's thinking 'why am i not brave enough' right there, I get it," like it was unbidden to my head

i never actually acted on my suicidal feelings but when it was bad it was hella bad
but because i didn't act on them I don't think i realised just how painful it was and how much hurt I was giving myself and watching this one sided thing happen on screen plus how depressed/suicidal the heroine got is making me realise just how shitty it was to spend all of my college years pining after one person
and how shitty it is that I was that pathetic
see the heroine here is not pathetic because the movie ended happily like there was a chance for her and she got her man woot woot
but for me?

carrot on a stick for three years straight and everyone else around me knew but this kid apparently didn't realize or didn't give a shit
so when I told them, they said "I didn't know."
what f*cking bullshit is that?????
there's me scoring lines into my heart for someone who was my best friend and apparently they didn't even notice
never thought i was such a good liar
and how delusional was i that I didn't get angry about this situation until just now?????
now ive got another POS baggage to explain to whoever has the misfortune to date me as if what already happened wasn't enough?????
mannn
i could have really f*cked around in college but now im 25 and have had like one good sexual encounter which was unfortunately with a different toxic POS, a handful of bad (consensual) ones, and both csa and good old sa under my belt instead of being able to put more good encounters under my belt to let my brain know that good, consensual sex exists

so now i dont trust that anyone has my best interests at heart, am damaged goods and a prude to boot
also am just in general confused about who I find attractive orientation wise and why (also did I tell you im trans lol is it really me being trans or am I rejecting my femininity because I conflate it with getting assaulted who f*cking knows)
who wants that mess lol
and having people not stay very long after I break the big bad ones to them is like not helping lmaooooo
like sure maybe they're running for a different reason than being scared of dealing with too much baggage but then like what is it about me that is so unlikeable
that a sob story can't give them pause lmfao I thought being damaged was the new trend idek

 

[RecoveryGuy]

Give yourself time to unpack the baggage. You are worth the time and effort it takes to overcome this. I am sorry you went through all that.

 

[rumor18894]

I've been crying ever since I posted and at first I thought it would be best to try and repress it so that I could finish my assignments this week and be free to fall apart later

but that didn't happen because I couldn't stop crying, so I decided to let myself cry and hopefully whatever this is would pass quicker. I was reading suicide survivor stories (not the best idea but it was an itch I had to scratch) and posts in this forum and then tried to distract myself etc. but nothing was helping.

so i tried to go through my support network and it was knife after knife after knife for a while because nobody really got how bad I was feeling. My closest friend was going through her own heartbreak so I tried to comfort myself by listening to her problems (which usually works bc of the feeling that I'm not alone) but then when I told her I could empathize with her, she told me it didn't count because my love was unrequited and it didn't compare to losing something mutual. (She was lashing out because she had also been led on, I think, so in telling me I was stupid, she was also calling herself that and I get it so much but damn if she didn't stab an open wound) edit: she didn't outright say I was stupid but the way she was talking kind of implied it. tbh she's kind of a shitty friend but I still cate about her so idk

I tried to call my mom after this but she wasn't picking up, so i tried my dad. He told me to "close the goddamn door" to my heartbreak (i.e. its been long enough, get over it) and to stop meddling in other people's business (i.e. why are you wasting time caring about your friend).

My mom freaked out because I hadn't finished the assignment which was due at midnight today and told me I should have just hung up on my friend instead of listening to her and also that my dad wasn't good at emotional stuff so why did I go to him in the first place?? (uh you didn't pick up the goddamn phone) and then told me to do my homework after i got angry at her for playing the blame game when I'm plainly already struggling to keep it together. She claimed later that it was because she thought the homework would help me get my mind off of things but like... I reached out because I wasn't able to stop crying in the first place so....

I hung up on her and called my brother (who incidentally is the perpetrator of the csa but he's been trying to make up for it ever since he realised how f*cked up it was and he's also generally a more sympathetic ear tbh idek it's a weird relationship) and he was the one who finally got me to stop crying by actually f*cking listening to my issues and providing constructive advice.

it's an unstable network, I know.

I also had an appointment with my therapist today who was v. helpful but we weren't able to get through all of it. Sent an extension request to my prof who allowed me a day and a half so long as my therapist wrote her a note and I turned in whatever I already had (which was pretty much f*ckall lmaoo) so idk how that'll go.

tbh im sick of dealing with all of this shit like

what a f*cking dysfunctional family ??? when the only other reasonable person is my former abuser who was enabled by an indulging and indecisive mother and an absent father (he was in the house but not socially other than to gripe about how we treated him like an ATM and OCCASIONALLY be present enough to give actual advice) how was I ever supposed to be not f*cked up

the nice part of my brain is telling me to stop portraying my parents as assholes because they're not always so horrible and i love them like they did try their best, just that their best was pretty shite sometimes

 

[rumor18894]

Give yourself time to unpack the baggage. You are worth the time and effort it takes to overcome this. I am sorry you went through all that.

Thanks for saying that xx it's hard and im getting there but whoo damn if it doesn't feel like I have to do it all by myself -.- even saying that is ungrateful but that's what it feels like

 

[osiris]

I’m not in a good enough place to offer wisdom (not even sure I have any!), but I think it’s good that you shared all of this. Try and be kind to yourself. People here are really supportive and will hold you when you can’t hold yourself up.

 

[rumor18894]

I’m not in a good enough place to offer wisdom (not even sure I have any!), but I think it’s good that you shared all of this. Try and be kind to yourself. People here are really supportive and will hold you when you can’t hold yourself up.

Thank you. Being kind to myself is difficult because one of my coping mechanisms was shaming myself into being functional ("get to f*cking work you bitch stop using your feelings as an excuse to be lazy") or shaming myself into not acting on bad thoughts("you're chicken, you wont kill yourself/cut" "yeah you're right I can't do that" etc.). I think at this point I just don't know how else to make myself do things that are healthy for me.

 

[RecoveryGuy]

Thanks for saying that xx it's hard and im getting there but whoo damn if it doesn't feel like I have to do it all by myself -.- even saying that is ungrateful but that's what it feels like

With what you said about your support network and family I understand why you feel that way. Time to expand your network to include people who are more capable of being supportive.