I Disassociate. How Do I Help My Wife?

[BlakeA]

I have been married for 11 years. I grew up with narcisistic personality disorder parents and suffered molestation at the hands of my mother and a Boy Scout leader. I confessed what had happened to my wife about a year and a held ago. After ten years of not knowing why I didn't seem to want to have sex with her or know why I just wasn't there for her she has a lot of anger with me. She keeps saying that she shouldn't have to put up with my issues and she can't open herself up to me because when I flip it remind her of how things used to be when I was flipped most of the time. We are in therapy but has told me she is only going to go one more time. She feels like everytime she opens up to me I flip. What can I do? Does anyone have any sort of experience with this? (By the way, I have not had contact with my parents since this recovery process started by my choice except for occasional emails to remind them not to contact me or send things to my kids).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi I am confused what you mean by flip? Do you mean you flip out as in lose your temper or do you mean flip as in switch personalities (which is along the lines of a dissociative disorder).

Welcome to the forum.

 

[BlakeA]

I flip as in I disassociate. She says it's like I have different personalities. I don't realize I've changed but she senses it. It's like I have multiple fragments but I'm aware of them after the fact.

 

[BlakeA]

I feel really helpless which is one of my triggers (thanks to npd mom). I've been in therapy for almost a year and a half and she says she doesn't notice any difference except sometimes I'm that guy she hated from the earlier part of our marriage and sometimes I'm not. She needs consistency to heal. She says it would be like me trying to heal while still living with my parents or the scoutmaster.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ahhh ok gotcha. I understand now.

I'm not sure if I have any advice. When you "flip" is it brought on by anger? I've experienced a distinct shift in my personality that was brought on by a very helpless sense of anger, but it's been quite a few years since I've experienced it.

Are you in individual therapy? Do you practice grounding skills? I don't know a lot about flips in personality, but I know others here do and hopefully they can give you more advice.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Are you talking about emotional or anger outbursts?

There is a great site for exactly what you have been through if you want something more focused and specific to the pathological relationship you grew up with. myptsd.com is a wonderful support group as well, but I just wanted to give you another angle for your toolbox.

http://outofthefog.net This site here has a forum where everyone there has been affected by personality disorders of all varieties. There is a ton of education there and there most certainly will be people there who know your specific issue to a tee.

There are also many books on healing from this type of aftermath from NPD.

So sorry for what you are going through. Big hugs. I hope you will be able to get the help and coping skills (please do) that you most need and I pray that this will get better for you and your wife. It's a long and hard road. I am 3 years out. You can do this.

 

[BlakeA]

I'm in marriage therapy now. But my T is experienced with PTSD and disassociatve disorders. I try grounding but when I'm in it, it usually doesn't help. My wife has a lot of pain she doesn't want to deal with because of 10 years thinking I didn't want or love her. :0(

 

[BlakeA]

Thank you for the resource ! I'm heading there now!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

But, as Solara asked, are you in your own individual therapy? It's so important to have your own and with someone who specializes in PTSD and trauma. I know how you are feeling. It took me awhile to get through rough patches with my husband because he was a huge trigger for me in the beginning.

I'm so glad you are reaching out and opening up about your trauma. You are so brave. This stuff is not easy. As someone here on these boards told me yesterday, and I'm paraphrasing. "You're not a freak! Dissociating is very scary to experience."

We do understand.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Grounding skills take lots and lots and lots of practice. Try not to feel too discouraged if you're having trouble getting grounded. It took the better part of a year for me to get to the point of being able to pull myself back to earth (so to speak) within seconds, and that was almost two years after I first learned about grounding skills.

 

[BlakeA]

We both (my wife and I) saw individual therapists for 8 months and now we are see seeing a marriage and family therapist. I'm starting to do the grounding technique that involves becoming aware of each part of my body individually to pull myself out of my head and back into my body. I've been doing directed breathing also to try to keep my anxiety down. Do you have any other grounding techniques?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi Blake,

If you go to this thread that I started in the past, https://www.myptsd.com/threads/switch-from-psychotherapy-to-cbt.28000/

Read the first 9 posts. At the 10th post, you will see how my tune changed. I completely forgot that I had posted the thread initially and the dates are even far apart from the original post. If you read through all 4 pages of the thread, you will notice I realized how much and for how long I had been dissociating all of the time, not learning any coping skills or getting myself into proper therapy specifically for trauma and PTSD.

I know you said you are in therapy. That's not why I'm linking the thread. I'm linking it so you can read a little bit about how the people here brought me into reality. They posted links and gave me some very solid and practical advice to start learning coping skills, etc.

Also, I have only just begun using coping skills. For me, it's still shaky. So far, choosing colors in the room, getting a piece of ice and holding it in my hand, drinking cold water and eating a salty food then a sweet food....just to name a few when I need to ground from either anxiety or a trigger. At first, for me, it all sounded so "ridiculous". I put that in quotes because there was a feeling attached to it for me. I was in such agony that I even had to do these things in the first place because before PTSD, I didn't need to. I had a big hard time with thoughts of "who I am now" vs "who I was then". It beat me down a lot because I could not recognize those two thoughts.

Literally, these coping skills I realize are the difference between living and not living at all. That's just been my experience over the past few weeks. No matter how silly they seem, do them. Do them and do them. Practice.

So far, they have been extremely helpful, but I still cannot always ground, but I am getting there. One of the men on here helped me one evening when I was triggered. Instead of being alone with my trigger, I came online and shared about it. That was a huge improvement for me. He asked me if I had a favorite place. I told him it was my husband. He told me to sit there and construct my husband like a 3D puzzle in my head. I did that. After doing that, I was able to ground enough to remember to drink some cold water. Then, I had mounds of anxiety and my chest was hurting. I could not slow my breathing. He told me to imagine my husband standing in front of me, holding my hands, and telling me to slow my breathing--my husband that is. I was able to slow my breathing, go eat some popcorn mixed with chocolate and I calmed down. It feels incredible to come back to the present.

There are so many things. I've found that for me, there has to be some type of meaning in the coping skills that I have chosen to put in my tool kit so far. Everyone is so different, but for now, you can borrow mine if you want. Or you can keep them.

On that thread link I posted, one of the women posts a link in there to a coping thread and some other very very helpful threads to read.

I hope it helps you too.