I cry all the time and can't sleep at night. 2 didn't care about me and were verbally abusive, 1 didn't care at all and 2 seemed to care but never stuck up for me when the 2 oldest daughters were verbally abusive to me. I just couldn't take the abuse & disrespect anymore so I unlisted all contact information for myself, i.e. email address, home & cell numbers. If I could have moved somewhere undisclosed I would have. It's been 3 months now and I am so miserable, they have not tried to contact me at all and if they did I don't know how I would react, angry or welcoming! I am 73 and alone...I tell myself that they are better off without a useless old woman, I don't work anymore and don't contribute to society in anyway. I have stopped talking to ALL of my neighbors, don't take care of my yard anymore, everything is dying . In the beginning I was so angry that if someone spoke to me, I would yell or cuss at them. I have mellowed out somewhat, and the anger has dissipated a little even though I am still very defensive if someone is the least bit negative to me in any way. All my blinds and windows are closed, I stay shut up in my house and only go out at night to the store or walk my little dog. I think a lot about suicide and have researched the internet for surefire ways to succeed and not leave myself a vegetable. I do have 3 very old cats and a 12 year old pup that I don't want to leave to be uncared for and euthanized so I have even thought of ways that I can take them with me, i.e. charcoal burning in my house or gas. I ponder these things constantly especially late at night when I cannot sleep. I tried to find a mental health person through my insurance but unable to find anyone close to me and I am not really sure that I want to talk with anyone anyway. Some days I want help and other days I do NOT! I am not looking for advise (I don't think), I guess I just wanted to say it out loud, hence my registering for this site......
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I Disowned All The People I Love
- Post starter Judith42
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D
Deleted member 28740
Hope the venting helps. respect that you are not looking for advice. PTSD info here and the community excellent resources. Welcome.
NewDayTomorrow
Silver Member
Please believe us here when we say that we care! I am sorry that you feel so dark lately. I hope things get better for you someday soon.
First and foremost, thank you for sharing as much as you did. You have inspired me tonight and for that, I truly thank you. I do not believe that you are a useless old woman; and I don't even know you. I'm nowhere near 73 (I'm 21) but I can tell you that I can understand some of what you're feeling, even if we're not faced with the same situation. Hugs if you accept them. :hug: I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're being treated the way you are. It's not fair and it's perfectly valid to feel the way you're feeling. Life is... well, it can be a cruel place. Those who we look up to, those who are supposed to love and respect us are often the ones that hurt us the most. I'm sorry that they didn't try contacting you. But even with that being said, I totally get it -- I wouldn't know how I'd react either, if they tried contacting me.
What I've learned from life so far is that silence is the loudest sound in the world. My favorite quote is "I kept my mouth shut but spoke to you in a million different ways." I too, cry most nights. Mostly because, like you, those who I "love" misconstrue who I am and/or verbally abuse me. After my sexual abuse as a child, there's only so much I'm willing to take. I no longer contribute to the household, so I'm seen as useless and weak. I lost sight of who I am and what once made me, me.
You may not always like where you are in life, but I truly believe that life gives you only what you're strong enough to handle. I can guarantee you that those who verbally abuse you or who have mistreated you have not walked a day in your shoes and if they do, they wouldn't be as strong as you've been, carrying all this weight around with you. I think of suicide many nights when I can't sleep. Why not, right? The world will still rotate on its axis without me. But I learned that if I do end my life, then I allow those who have led me down a dark path, win. We're only guaranteed one life. That's all. We're eventually, all going to go. If there's anything I've learned, it's to hold on to things that matter to you.
The moment when you start to wonder why you're here is a sign that you deserve to be here and are worthy of so much more than life has given you. If you think disowning those who have broken your heart allows you to move on, then I think you made the right choice. But I do know that there are so many more new people that would want to get to know you and care about you. The funny thing about life is that it's so unexpected. We can't truly understand it. The last thing you'd expect to happen is sometimes the most likely to happen and sometimes not.
The past has a direct influence on the present. You can't do anything about that, but try to understand it. People in your life are either a blessing or a lesson. But let that be a lesson for them, not you. You've done nothing wrong and I know you're in a lonely place right now. If you want to talk, I'd be more than happy to. But in any case, I do hope you get better and I truly hope you find what you're looking for and that if you're looking for a sign to not end your life, well... this is it. You've still got lots of people to meet and great things ahead.
PS: I'm the same about sometimes wanting help and then other days, not wanting it.
What I've learned from life so far is that silence is the loudest sound in the world. My favorite quote is "I kept my mouth shut but spoke to you in a million different ways." I too, cry most nights. Mostly because, like you, those who I "love" misconstrue who I am and/or verbally abuse me. After my sexual abuse as a child, there's only so much I'm willing to take. I no longer contribute to the household, so I'm seen as useless and weak. I lost sight of who I am and what once made me, me.
You may not always like where you are in life, but I truly believe that life gives you only what you're strong enough to handle. I can guarantee you that those who verbally abuse you or who have mistreated you have not walked a day in your shoes and if they do, they wouldn't be as strong as you've been, carrying all this weight around with you. I think of suicide many nights when I can't sleep. Why not, right? The world will still rotate on its axis without me. But I learned that if I do end my life, then I allow those who have led me down a dark path, win. We're only guaranteed one life. That's all. We're eventually, all going to go. If there's anything I've learned, it's to hold on to things that matter to you.
The moment when you start to wonder why you're here is a sign that you deserve to be here and are worthy of so much more than life has given you. If you think disowning those who have broken your heart allows you to move on, then I think you made the right choice. But I do know that there are so many more new people that would want to get to know you and care about you. The funny thing about life is that it's so unexpected. We can't truly understand it. The last thing you'd expect to happen is sometimes the most likely to happen and sometimes not.
The past has a direct influence on the present. You can't do anything about that, but try to understand it. People in your life are either a blessing or a lesson. But let that be a lesson for them, not you. You've done nothing wrong and I know you're in a lonely place right now. If you want to talk, I'd be more than happy to. But in any case, I do hope you get better and I truly hope you find what you're looking for and that if you're looking for a sign to not end your life, well... this is it. You've still got lots of people to meet and great things ahead.
PS: I'm the same about sometimes wanting help and then other days, not wanting it.
D
Deleted member 29920
Welcome to the forum, Judith, you will find a lot of great people and support here, you're not alone.
Hi judith42
I want to commend you on thd strength it takes to keep on going with these thoughts and feelings. I very much relate right now and would rather talk to someone like you who truly understands than any kind of counsellor. Not for advice or to give advice, but for mutual understanding.
It's hard out there on your own - and I too find myself very much alone. The closest people to me are all gone - either dead or changed by life events so much that I no longer feel I know them.And I have changed too.
I know there are people that care about me but nobody really knows me any more.
I can only guess that your situation has been complicated like my own, and also offer my own shoulder - not a very strong one though!
Sometimes nobody gets it. It's very far from a perfect world and people are quick to tell you how to be, what to do, how you should feel when all you really want and need sometimes is good old fashioned friendship.
Here we are on the Internet. You could be my neighbour! How do I know?
It would be lovely to know.
No one can take it all away but I just wish we weren't all so isolated. It's the more sensitive who suffer the most - and god knows this world needs the more sensitive!
I hope something changes in your situation very soon. Most of all I hope your loved ones do reach out to you! Why don't people do that any more???
I really don't know. The world has gone mad.
Wishing you strength
I want to commend you on thd strength it takes to keep on going with these thoughts and feelings. I very much relate right now and would rather talk to someone like you who truly understands than any kind of counsellor. Not for advice or to give advice, but for mutual understanding.
It's hard out there on your own - and I too find myself very much alone. The closest people to me are all gone - either dead or changed by life events so much that I no longer feel I know them.And I have changed too.
I know there are people that care about me but nobody really knows me any more.
I can only guess that your situation has been complicated like my own, and also offer my own shoulder - not a very strong one though!
Sometimes nobody gets it. It's very far from a perfect world and people are quick to tell you how to be, what to do, how you should feel when all you really want and need sometimes is good old fashioned friendship.
Here we are on the Internet. You could be my neighbour! How do I know?
It would be lovely to know.
No one can take it all away but I just wish we weren't all so isolated. It's the more sensitive who suffer the most - and god knows this world needs the more sensitive!
I hope something changes in your situation very soon. Most of all I hope your loved ones do reach out to you! Why don't people do that any more???
I really don't know. The world has gone mad.
Wishing you strength
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